SELFISH!
SELFISH!
SELFISH!

My love,
what is your schedule like tomorrow?
do you have time to say "i love you"?
do you have time to get my birthday presents?
to remember it's our anniversary?

My love,
is it too much trouble
to step away from the television?
I know you love your re-runs,
but I can be entertaining too

My love,
did you forget?
when you thought I was beautiful?
when you appreciated me?
when you wanted to make me smile?

My love,
wouldn't you agree?
that no one has ever given you as much as me?
that my happiness is just as important as yours?
that I at least deserve your honesty?

My love,
I'm sure you're right
facebook, sportscenter, warcraft, television
they deserve your time and attention
after all, I am only comfortable and convenient

My love,
Don't worry
I understand
we all need a warm body
to use when we need a hand.

I'm not saying I'm self-serving,
but I'm only sorry if I have to be
and I hope that's good enough.

I cut down the bridge with my hands
bashing teeth and skull into mush.
I rushed everything for this.
I went ahead.

Distort shadows and repeat offenders,
every other day is a rust belt nightmare
and when it rains it washes all
the **** away, and out of sunlight
it all looks a little less desperate.
It all looks less desperate.

It started with an itch
something so mild and unexpected
barely brought into existence, yet there
once acquainted to its surroundings
it slowly grew into a being
it was selfish, demanding
this creature knew only hunger
its own desire fueling its every action
pushing and pulling at everything
screaming and crying out so loudly
it was the only thing that was heard
finally receiving the attention
that it longed for
then...
it vanished

no sooner than it had taken
for it to become something,

it then fades into nothing.
Forgotten.

I was crying into my bed and I realised that I was completely
Alone.

And all I could think about is how
I wanted someone that I could
pour my heart into,
and they won't choke.

Do I want a lover?
No, I do not.
I just want any form of
emotional closure.
And society got me into thinking that
a bond of a romantic sort
is the best type.
But
Lover, friend, counterpart...
It does not matter.
All that matters is that I'll have
someone.
Anyone.

I do not want a lover.
I don't want to love you when
I can't even love myself.

I do not want a lover,
I just want to be loved.
(And I know it's selfish, but I frankly do not care.)

kiss me -
the bareness of my neck
the fragility of my collars

trace me -
the curl of my ear
the geometry of my spine

choose me -
over &
over

I'm selfish
I can't bare to see you in the arms of another
I'm selfish
I crave the taste of your tongue
I'm selfish
I need your arms wrapped around me tight
I'm selfish
I hold you back from what you could become
I'm selfish
I won't let this end
I'm sorry
I'm too selfish to let you move on.

ITS GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT WHEN I LEAVE FOR COLLEGE I WON'T HAVE EMOTIONAL GOODBYES OR GOODBYE PARTIES WITH MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO ONE THERE TO MISS ME. I PUSH AWAY ANYONE WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M A SELFISH *****.

Its amazing how fast the world can change.
Its astonishing how something so similar
to a peace corps,
can turn into a firing squad
without even knowing about it.
how it can go from caring and understand,
to demanding and humiliating.
It has grown to extreme to control.
The fear of being shot to death if an argument starts,
and a strong chance you'll never get up.

Something so simple,
that might not even involve you,
can get you taken to the shooting range.
begging for forgiveness
or trying to rebel.
the firing squad knows no mercy.
not any more, anyways.

A man with little to no power
will stay with the peace corps.
will be there with open arms.
A man who demands power
will BE the firing squad.
will be there to break arms.

A man who asks himself the wrong questions.
Asking "why won't the corps help or stay with me ?"
As he continues to demand from others.

selfish. selfish man.

Why doesn't he ask himself the honest question:
"why did I leave?"