the cold would send little snow drops
trickling down my spine
dancing and singing praise to the moonlight
gestures of repentance despite knowing my damnation I continue to sit there, looking for my salvation
But with the icy cold drops, that warm me
and a look back into my bitter stained history
i have released and accepted what has always
been known to me
that salvation and emancipation has only been a dream

Depression is an addiction
A saddists representation
Of what is a fascination
You want love without pain
But you end up with pain and no love
No this isn't freedom you don't end it with a white dove.
You're happy but you're fighting that feeling
To rip your skin till its tingling
And you know your okay
But the pain could return any day
And you long for that certain kind of sadness
That energy you get from all the badness
And your mother said no
But your heart said don’t let go
And you’re fighting a war inside your head
And the place to find rest isn’t your bed
You prey, you pray
You let go of the fray
But you don’t fall

God is that you? Am I dead? Is it true?
Why child don’t you see? I sent my son to save thee.
You’re not dead. Not even near.
I’ve come to take away all your fear.
Oh God I don’t deserve this.
This heavenly abyss.
I’ve done wrong for all to long.
I don’t deserve your love. I don’t deserve to be up above.
Child be at peace. Your sin is yet to cease.
You are human are you not?
Or have you forgot?
But my mercy is abundant
And you’ve yet to pass your judgement
Child I will give you what you seek
If you may ask me, if you’re not too meek.
Father, forgive me, all I have is yours
It may not be much but I’m down on all fours.
Child I forgive you, but this is your cue
Go out and spread my word
My beautiful song bird

Lighthouse keeper by the shore, watching life pass he did the most
Eyeing ships, so bright and lively, that would sail near his post
'Til one fateful night one ship seemed to be set ablaze
Gravitating toward the sight that was a rarity in all his days
One door he swung open, leaving his beacon, bolting downstairs
Of peril and risk, he cared not; to him they seemed like minor fares
Fiery reflections undulated from afar as the keeper dashed to shore
Yanking his rowboat into the water, he paddled toward the source
Opening his eyes truly, he awoke to hands without a single oar
Under a guise he would man his post distractedly in the night
Realizing that the ship was a dream, he turned around to a fright
Precariously placed lanterns had fallen, shattering as he slept
And flames began to claim his home and post, as if collecting a debt
Sleep walking had moved him to the shore, by grace he was alive
The lighthouse keeper would rebuild, but this time he would thrive

Feel like crying,
What should I do to be deserving?
When you are giving me everything.

Self doubts started coming.
How can I stop this from happening?
Am I really worth saving?

i am lost in a dark sleep
a never-ending maze of demons
haunting ivy crawling on stone
rotting wood covered in moss

i wind around corners
meeting new horrors with each step
a figure with no face
a beast with ****** fangs

i try to run but my feet are concrete
slowly consuming my legs
becoming one with my flesh
yet i persevere

i see a light through a thick fog
my heartbeat cracks the concrete
i rush with the wind
breathing in salvation

i break through the fog
light pours over my body
bathing me in life and love
i am reborn

All the colours, electric green
Rose and violet shades sereine
Crimson clover and loyal blue
yellow ocher, burgundy too
Take up arms- a graceful stance
to "Yeah Yeah Yeahs" modern romance
Yet all the colours and shades that be,
Could never truly release me
But prop me up- so I realize
the prusuit of art is faithfully wise.
Every morning and every night
I choose my pallet, scared to fight
But still I start for love and duty:
Passion and anguish, courage AND  beauty.

Caught up in a cacophony
of curses and the tragedy
of forgetting that You love me

I wring my hands tight
with every single fight
that I watch myself lose again
and again
and again
and again
and my sin
whispers words that
fall like anvils dropped from
the empire state building
and that cacophony gets that much louder.

And I come to find I certainly lack the power
to do anything that seems even of the slightest
worth
to me, to you, to every friend that I threw
away
because those anvils that hit me yesterday
hit me just a little too hard and
I don't want to get hit again because
I just might die next time.

My memory offers me nothing but unrest as my
conscience is put to the
test that I keep forgetting that I was supposed to study for
and it's easy to blame it on the dog because it ate my textbook
or at least I say that because I don't want to look
at the words of life that I come to find only condemn me
for all the things I know I was supposed to do right the first time.

You know,
there was a song You sang to me
the day we met for the first time
a resounding sound so sublime
a melody of mercy and love
washing white all I had ever done
and somehow by some incredible mystery
you won my heart then.

But now all I seem to do
is wonder why I can't hear the melody
only ever feeling guilty
that the grand staff where you wrote that song
strikes nerves instead of chords
leaving me feeling depressed, broken and even bored
and around the song you've composed an impossible score
that I'm sure I could never perform
well enough to feel like I was worthy of Your love.

But the person you sang that song to back then
I'm pretty sure he hated you
only longing for his sin
that he was head-over-heels for
a nightmare he said was his best friend.
He had broken all the rules
Spent his youth trading treasure for fools
gold that he dug up
and buried the truth in its place
He cared nothing for mercy
And felt no need for grace
I still remember very well that he even spat in your face but that person...
You still took his place.

Instead of striking him dead where he stood
and pouring out all the wrath you could
It would have made so much more sense
to take his life
To make him, to make me pay the price

I mean, You never did anything wrong
It should have been me, but in that song...

The lyric rings, "Jesus paid it all."

Oh Lord, how I long
that the cacophony
be drowned out by Your symphony
that I would hear every curse
Reorchestrated to instead sing of mercy
That every anvil that falls
in a hope to fell me
would cast into the infinite sea
of grace where my body was buried
and it was!

The old me is dead and done
only a memory and no longer
what I'm doomed to become
because the price You paid

I confess, God, it's enough.