“I wanted to be happy”
The words crept from my lips like scurrying little spiders when their home disturbed amongst darkened cobwebs in an untouched dingy room
Intrusive thoughts
Dismaying salvation of pathologized compliance
Masking behaviour for acceptance
“Stop spinning in that chair- it’s annoying”
Self expression became punishable
Dismaying youth- retribution beyond reasonable understanding
Belted and crying
Please stop, it hurts
Fearful avoidance
Nothing feels safe
Transmitting adulthood with repressed memories though awakened by medical emergency of your cat
Navigating uncertainty since July; desperately attempting to understand inner workings of trauma brain
Complex post traumatic stress disorder
Medical diagnosis though intrusive thoughts still catastrophic
Chronic pain with desolation
Desperately craving the touch of another human
Covid times; worsening depression combatting betraying myself with fathers abusive words while unproductively masquerading oversleeping
Powerlifting self regulation though collapsing under the bar.
If they wanted to talk to you
They would make effort
Though I still fawn my way to self acceptance
After all;
That’s what my parents taught me to do.

The walls have managed to keep me well-aloof and apart
It was March just the other day
My prison cocoons me in the cool autumn wind
Not sure of what danger is out there
War, virus, riots and ****
It’s a crazy world, I am safe.
I question my safety now and then.
My sanity I question more often.

I twirled in front of my dresser
Posing for acquaintances
Smiling through the boredom
Of never-ending video conferences.
The strain is showing through
On threadbare patience
Straining at the slightest provocation.

The glaring screen tempts me  
Into one last indiscretion
Of unreasonable outrage.
Elections, propaganda and
Undeserved praise
Who is worthy? You say.
Valid question.

The stench of my stale room
Reeks of carbon dioxide
The air around me
Threatening death
Inside outside
Masks always existed
Now they only cover more
Not just your intentions
And it is fine; Nightmares
Are better hidden

My prison cell comforts me
And I get accustomed
To the confinement
Of my own house
Months have passed
Days are passing
Minutes seem longer now

They saw world through closed eyes

In explanation
Had grown up too fast

Eyes traumatized
Sights not meant for such young
Supple bodies

But never opening to realize I am not her

The rain that drenched her as a young lady barely grazed me

Maybe I have closed eyes to thank for that

I longed to exist, to actualize.  
               To be cognizant, to perceive.
          I longed to feel and communicate,
                   for a moment of relief.

                            ....................

  So I stood on Earth, consumed by Fire.
My skin crackled and crisped under the heat.

  I wished for release from the searing sensation, a moment of relief.

  Then Water rushed in, meeting me and  Earth.  My skin cooled, Fire squelched with a billow of steam.
  
  Though, while I stood on earth, mud and mire formed.  I found myself stuck in a vacuous trap.
  
  I burned for the freedom, once known.   For a moment of my own.

  As I stood stagnant, a mighty and benevolent gust of Wind caught the sails of my desperation.   And lifting me up, it took me away.

  My heart soared, as did my spirit, and felt the rush of air sweep me to freedom...but I felt untethered...flipping and falling....

  I longed for the structure I once felt, standing on Earth.  Stable and unmoved.  Knowing nothing but stuck yet safe.

I longed for fire to consume me....

                               ..................


          I long to die, to be non-material...
      I long to not be aware, and to not see...
I long to feel no pain, and to speak no more
       For a moment not so disappointing..

Waking up with you near
I no longer have the first breath of my day be fear.
The way you kiss my forehead,
Press your nose against mine.
For these moments everything is divine.
It’s when I leave the cover of your arms.
The warmth of your embrace.
It takes me back to a less safer place.
To the home I had that was haunted with fear.
I wish my husband didn’t almost die so many times in that year.
You know what to say when I need it.
please just be gentle with my heart, you don’t know how many times it has been defeated.

Twisting the knobs
On comes the water
Crashing, drumming down
On the tub floor

After a moment
You step in
Absorbing the warmth
Embraced by the pattering droplets
Soothed by the simplest of things
Eased into a sense of safety
Naked, yet somehow,
Never more clothed and protected

Inaudibly, rivers run
Down your cheeks
To your chin
To the floor
Crouching, close to the ground
From whence your ancestors came
Longing to claim you

Too afraid to stop
To turn it off
To emerge into the open air
Yet
Flesh turning pink
Like that of a kittens nose
Signals you it is time
To cool down

Slowly, carefully
Standing
One last moment in embrace
Caressed by the water
Then
Going through the motions...

- Jay M
May 28th, 2019

I remember being a young girl at the pool
Playing this game with myself
Where I would float on my back
Belly, face, and palms to the sun
I’d see how still I could be
And once I was as still as I felt was possible
I’d exhale and feel myself sink
Almost close enough to where my nose was underwater
Just before the moment where air meets water
I’d breathe in as deep as I could manage
And feel myself rise again
Back to the surface
Back to safety
Sometimes I still do that
Maybe you do too
Just in a different way