in my bones there is a rattling

inside there are flies
they lay their eggs in my hope and love and all the warm wet feelings i have
the eggs hatch, the maggots feast, the flies grow up, and then they die

"theres a rattling in my bones," i say
the doctor does not look up from his papers
"perhaps," my stomach tightens and i feel the maggots bite into me
"you just need to lose some weight?"
i thank the doctor for his time again
he does not bother to notice my jaundice
nor the stench of rotting fruit

each step sounds like jingling keys
i found fear in the sound once, and then comfort
some days i barely hear it
some days its so loud i cant hear anything else
maybe one day itll go away
or at least stay a consistent volume
until then i do not walk

"my bones," i tell the doctor.
"they're fine." he tells me
i ball my hands into shaking fists
the corpses of flies bounce around inside my knuckles
can he hear the noise?
can he hear the rattling?

in my mind i beat the doctor
his skin is split and his bones are broken
i eat the marrow
my wings vibrate behind me
i lay my eggs in his hope and love and all his warm wet feelings
and curse him to live like me

outside i smile
i thank the doctor for his time again
and i leave

It's okay to lie down underneath your blank ceiling
Until twelve, one, two and counting...
Cutting your skin to pieces,
Eating your unfavorite chocolate Reese's,

Until your body fall into sleeping,
Mixing old dreams about running away
From a cult or an unknown creature
From someone you know or a foreign soldier.

It's okay to make mistakes as you run
It's okay, as they say, "You're only human. "
How you talk and swear too much through our thread
How you ignored and made every part of them bleed
How you call your every episode special
How your own mess and theirs wrestle

Until you open your eyes to see the same ceiling,
Still blank but with a hint of late morning blaze.
Time to repeat the same heat without healing
I apologize to you, one from the doorcrack who gazed.

Looking for inspiration
In a desolate dreary wasteland
The same **** just different days spent
Hoping life will finally make sense
Cos I've got bored and aggravated
With the drama I know will unfold
Is this really the end of the road before me I behold?
So I form facts from fiction
To try avoid repetition
Of dreary events to which each week ends
But my yesterdays tomorrow
You know so my yesterday will follow today
A bit like Bill Murray
From that film Groundhog Day
But with a lot less adventure
Or comedic reflection
A script not to question
And no seams between scenes
I'm caught in a dream
I can't see me come free from
Those are the facts son
There's no lights camera action
No glitz and no glamour
Definitely no famous actor
With the hardest tasks keeping track of...
Straight from morning to night
In the flash of an eye
The same simple ending
A yawn then a sigh
Only to wake with a shudder
Butterflies inside flutter
Feeling nothing but gutted
No new day
No new dollar
It's the same as before
As I walk out the door
The same route to work
To live out another day stuck
in my white collar Call Centre curse

Another time, another space
A breath from fear and grieving
The sunlight fills an empty void
But soon I will be leaving

Tire tracks on dusty roads
Her crimson heart lay beating
Generations of divided families
Yes, soon I will be leaving

The destination was never known
Each path opaque and deceiving
As soft as ravens opal wings
And soon I will be leaving

Watching rose blossoms grow
This gift is for receiving
Comfort found in the daze of summer
So, soon I will be leaving

Don’t run, please stay awhile
Hope and love can be deceiving
My back turned towards the bell tower
For now I will be leaving

I'm happy, but I don't feel that way.

From cutting wrists and tormented sleep,
I've come so far,
but sitting alone in my car,
I know just how close my feeling are to being dragged right back to when I felt nothing at all.

Life's good, but not good enough

My smiles were fake,
Only real when I got baked
But even that somehow felt better then being so close to falling back into that dark place

I think I loved the chase,
but it's over now

I'm happy
I guess,
But terrified too

Because I know the only feeling that can come next

Stuck in a societal routine she hustles a monotonous 9-5,
Shuffling through days that melt into weeks,
Awaiting to escape arbitrary rituals - she seeks release.

.
Play.

I do not know which iteration of myself
I am pleading with this time,
but let me ask on my knees if I will still be you
when I get to wherever I’m supposed to end up.
When you say ‘try again’ I reset,
slam myself into doors and windows until
the milk of my bones seeps back
into amniotic fluid, and then I am here again.

I am here again, and now
I have new mistakes to make.

Pause. Confusion. Breathe. Play.

There’s a body in the glass,
fragments plucking themselves
through parallelities;
there’s something beautiful
next to something that stings,
and they pool together
like watercolours against a sky
where you can pluck your finger
from the air and lay claim to the spot
where you think the end might be.

If you want the end to be yours,
then take it. Tell me
how I should be going about this,
and if you can watch as I
ruin everything again, let yourself
become dust in the air
and surround me with the control
that I do not have.

I’m not in control.
I’m never in control.
And there’s something absurd in the air
that pushes the day to the horizon
again.

It’s up to you now.

Pause. Rewind.
.

Baby I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean,
Meaning is that I don't want to sin
But what can I do, if I don't feel it beyond my skin!
Oh No! Oh No, that means! She's sorry again

What a fool I was, to make her bear that kind of pain
Pain that is not meant, never meant to be seen,
Something I am to avoid, so keen.
Oh No! Oh No, she's sorry again!

She asked me if I was bored, I told her not,
Hurtful words I said, I accept this fact,
I'll try my best to never repeat this act.
Oh No! Oh No, alas! She's sorry, once again!