You’re on my mind I thought you’ve left, you knocked on the door and waited on the step. You got impatient and knocked again, you don’t think I’m home but it’s just pretend. I don’t want to see you, you make me feel blue, I think I’m better off just not answering you. I’m waiting for you to leave so I can go on, but with you on my mind it makes it feel wrong. The third time you knocked, I started to give in, you’re back in my mind once again.

I'll go bottled blonde,
I'll be, again, fragile and skinny.
In plastic surgeries
I want to waste every penny.
I wear makeup
until my skin's all messed up.
I took thousands of pills
until my stomach said stop.
I work out until fatigue,
I write down every meal.
When you say I look better
it gives me self esteem.
But fear strikes evey time
that I get closer to the scale.
It scares me that instead of a number
it'll show the word whale.
I desire to be
the prettiest in the land.
I long to have
the perfect golden tan.
Delicate flower
for everyone to stare.
The magnetic one
that has nothing to repair.
I want to look radiant,
I want to look like a star.
My idea of the perfect weight
will make me take it too far.
But I don't really mind
about my health nor my spirit,
as long as I'm adored,
as long as I have a merit.
They only see you if you're pretty,
they ignore all the wrong;
You may be unstable
but you're worthy of a song.
And I'm not even concerned,
not like someone will notice.
No one did the last time
but anyway I'll tell you this:
I don't care if you find out
all the things that I conceal.
You can talk all you want,
I have nerves of steel.

Miniscule and tender
Not much can offend her,
not much can phase the girl
Will Peace ever try to befriend her?

Melancholic and complacent
Her bygones always adjacent
to the being that she can be.
But you can’t say where her grit went.

Strength and tenacity
Replaced with insanity?
Knows not if “it’s a part of me”
but it’s sure got authority.

Introspective and aware
Forms herself an untouched lair
Carefully crafts and moulds so
she cannot be found in there.

She digs, and she burrows,
No hope for tomorrow,
Just an empty darkness,
An empty dark sorrow.

Tight and confined,
Yet far from blind.
Suffocated and held captive
by the subconscious mind

Nothing left to lose,
a choice to choose,
The rocky road to recovery
Or a bruise, some blues, and *****.

I take the first sip
then take a deep breath
A sigh of relief
Reassurance of my comfort zone

My head is quiet
I feel alive
I feel everything
Everything feels great

It's a few sips later
I feel a pain, the pain
Just under my right breast
I am killing myself and I can't stop it

my monsters are silent
no one hears my screams
these demons are violent
and they conquer me in teams

look into my eyes,
my synthetic smile,
I'll hide what underlies,
crying's not my style

Through the thick I drag these chains
chronic mental pains
Over me my demons reign
misery my veins contain

Through the dust I try to see
the lifeless creature that is me
I'll set fire to these trees
and my life, I will seize

the scabs heal
leaving behind faint pink marks
over time the pink fades
only saying hello in the shower
you’re proud
because you’ve been clean
for over a month

but out of the corner of your vision
a silver gleam catches your eye
your blade lies on your desk
whispering sweet nothings to you
gingerly, you pick up your razor
and tenderly ****** the edges
caressing the red tinted tip

first you tell yourself:
“i’ll only make a scratch”
which progresses to
“i’m fine as long as i don’t bleed”
to
“**** it”
as you slice yourself like bread
and warm blood drips down
alongside tears
for you’ve relapsed once again