sleep deprived and head on overdrive. heart racing a mile a minute at the thought of you and i.
la vie en rose, blissfully tragic.

i have always loved You in black
anxiously tapping your foot on the floor
the one evening I was grateful for the bubbling alcohol in my brain
as You watched me and I watched you back.
the way you pulled against my hands as I tried to make you dance ("please dance with me baby") Your nerves making my heart
ache
we all know i cannot dance.
the car was warm on the way home and you (angrily) chided me
again and again for being irresponsible as I caressed your skin
again and again. sighing.

i kissed You hard --two weeks left baby-- before running, dress flying behind me,
into my dark house. the grass was wet and my heart racing. i told you to
drive safely (promised that I was safe) (promising to be smart)

you fell asleep calmed down and I fell asleep breathless, imagining you dancing. the way You move, moves me more than adrenaline
ever will

I remember my fan whirring loudly with the occasional CLICk.... CLICK...cliCk ... like the random beating of my heart  

...............

the way you take my hands now, "let's dance baby", I am breathless at the way you have grown
black socks and soft hands
You kiss me hard --two days left baby--

Country Cups and Picnic Races,
Welcoming smiles on rustic faces,
Bush ballads in these places,
Galloping steeds and friendly faces,
A good time is had by all, eh!
Summer race day in the country,
Galloping steeds and bush hospitality!

It starts
with a bang
A single shot
Followed by a
Chorus
Of clacking
Clicking
And whirring
As though
The bullet
Tore a hole
In the sky
And now
all the air
Is rushing out
******* us
With it
A spectacle
To witness
Such great pitch
And movement
A steady buzz
Buzzing
rolling
Cacophony
Fueled by
Ambition
aggression
And panic
Elbows out
Jarring
Sparring
Until we settle
Into our rhythm
Carbon and metal
And organic
Mass
Undulating along
Whoosh
Wooshing
Flying
on the ground
Escape velocity
Hurtling along
Pushing
A wall of air
The winds of
Our arrival
Surrounding us
An envelope
Sealing
This new singularity
From the rest of
The universe
Until it collapses
On itself
And vanishes
Until
The next
Event
Horizon

I want you to touch me
Press your lips against mine
I'm feeling flustered,
But I won't hide...
If you'd just touch me,
I might lose my mind.

Yes, it's the Spring Racing Carnival again,
What a glorious sunny Spring day!
All the frocks are gathered to the fray,
Should I wear my fascinator again?
Need  I really wear all  this lingerie?
Look, my dress trimmed in broderie anglaise,
Here we are at the races again,
What horses? They don't rate,
Good excuse for best champagne,
Party frocks are gathered to the fray!

Put Sleep to Death
And let's purify madness
We shall practice giddy boils of imagination
It would show up a Bachus shambles
(By comparison, an amateurs stumble)
Put Sleep to Death
And bright
And quick lives could flare
Brief celebrities
Hastily added
To this new chattering evolution
There'd be little tongue for morals
And sorrows would be
Swift experiments
Once experienced
Abandoned
Uncovered as unimportant
Let's make all lives
What they really are
Let's put Sleep to Death
And be recognised
As blurs
As shots
As stars and grime
Firing in this universe
This playground
This raw wash of activity

They say one thing leads to another
but I wish that wasn't so
how does One Stop racing
One thought... then the next
They all used to be good and suddenly without warning  they just
turned around
Did a 360
Like I did on that dirt road at 17 thought we were going to die
Laughed afterwards... Adrenaline Junkies but now it makes me want to cry
wondering why I didn't die
From double lung pneumonia or the
anaphylactic shock when I was really young that penicillin
Hydroplaning off the road,
jumping an 8-foot Stonewall and having the car crushed to my chest
No one could see me in the down there
in the rain even my brother drove by
Couldn't breathe but somehow I made my way out with broken ribs down the road to a phone
that's all I remember about that
Endless stories of trauma I wonder if everybody's life is a city of it
like mine
I can only imagine it is
The terrible thing when your fight-or-flight response is all messed up
Looks like more than a Crossroads
Looks like an endless maze
Covered in a murky Haze
I hope I can find my way back though going to be a while...
I know the brain is a miraculous friend
I'm thinking way too much
They say the more intelligent we are
the more difficult it is to recover
so I wish I was less intelligent now
Or at least I could close this Pandora's Box
The memories that go round and round like the car in the parking lot that I kept spinning till it the engine died
I keep wondering if all that was just a dream
like getting thrown from the horse
There's a whole lot more that I got to shove
into a bottle
every time they're inside my mind
and I chuck them out into the ocean
hoping that they smash and burst on the shore and I will return to who I was
once more....
Keep focusing on the fact that there are more good days and bad
Try to look forward instead of looking back try to keep track of what's important
Right now I guess that's me.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

I'm with everyone I know,
Running in our lifetime's race.
But I just can't shake this feeling
That I'm never going to place.

They all have their hearts set on something
And is it something that I have done,
To cause me to run with aimless footsteps
Simply chasing the horizon?

They're all clutching onto something,
And they put their hope in it.
But for some reason, I never seem
To be able to commit.

One by one they find their goal,
And take off sprinting away.
Leaving me in the dust,
To chase the horizon again today.

And it's not their fault, I know.
They think that I am running too.
I told them I was coming,
But I'm just watching them run through.

Why can't I see their inspiration?
Each time I think I know,
I trip and lose the thought I had.
And I'm far to tired to go.

I'm tired of having no purpose,
Just living an act of treason.
I hope they'll stop for a breath and see,
That I'm a runner without a reason.