Boy, do I looove you
And God only knows I can’t be the only one
But if I spit those words into your Happy Meal,
I think you might actually start to cry
(He’s not loving it, in fact,
he never could, for it isn’t in his nature to love

Or at least to love me)

Puny, frail things catch your attention left and right
Like the bright colored toys wrapped in plastic
You rip each one of them open and play your games
Of make believe and pretend
Until the first time it falls off the table,
Or into the mud
And you couldn’t give less of a ****
The toy will shed a tear, and you will say it’s being a *****

But I know your double cheeseburger soul
Craves more than what you physically desire
But the guilt of eating unhealthy food
Has never stopped you before

I feel like I should write
Though I'm not quite sure what to say
It seems like I feel everything so intensely
Until I try to capture it and it's gone

Words don't seem to work well these days
I'm really not even sure how I'm doing
I feel ready to have a successful week
Yet I also feel heavily disconnected from you

Maybe I am finally accepting my feelings for another
Allowing myself to explore the potential new flame
Maybe I felt held back by your distaste towards her
I realize now that it heavily tints my interactions with her

But it's not about her
And It's not about you
It's honestly about me
And the way I've been living

I have been so consumed by
Our love and all of this polyam drama
That I'm forgetting to live as an actual human
Forgetting that I exist without you too

I know it heavily affects you and
Stresses you out far more than I
So maybe this distance is for you too
Then again, you asked me not to pull away

What else can I do though
When you're consumed by another
And I feel empty and alone too often?
These feelings have led my life far too long already

So I'm stepping up my focus
I am working more on myself again
Because if somehow things get rough
I need to have someone to fall back on

For the first time ever
I've found the healthiest opportunity
The most reliable choice I should've made sooner
And it's me

I am my own foundation
My world exists through my own perception
So in the likely event of some sort of chaos
I am finally ready to catch myself

I will be ok regardless of circumstance
And that's extremely liberating

I've been searching for the source of these emotions
Because jealousy and other things
Are typically a result of your own perceptions
And it took me awhile to figure it out
I lost some blood along this unknown path
But then I came upon the answers
Because of something my best friend said
And now it all makes sense

I have always had a problem
With investing too much of myself into love
I begin identifying too strongly with the relationship
And any roadblocks feel as though
My entire universe is crashing before me
And looking at this one here
I've done the exact same thing

When we were first together
I told you I needed to continue working on myself
In order to avoid giving you all of my energy
And as soon as I stopped doing that
I fell into old habits

So it makes sense why I feel entirely crazy these days
Why I can consciously recognize that
You having another partner isn't the end of my world
Because you still love me
And I love you undyingly
Yet I still had overwhelming negative cognitions
That made me feel like dying

And now I realize that
In order to deal with these feelings
I have to focus on me again
Recognize that I need to improve myself
For myself
And then this will get easier
Thankfully it already has

Because I love you so much more
When I'm taking care of myself
Because instead of feeling like I have
No real choice but to stay
It now feels like a beautiful privilege
And it truly is

I know I've been a ***** lately
And you're definitely not used to that
And even if I'm angry at you
I know you don't deserve it

You told me not to push you away
Because I'd rather get wasted than tell you how I feel
Because this **** is killing me
But if I tell you that
Nothing will change

So why would I tell you that this is the most pain I've ever felt?
Why would I tell you how much I hate this whole thing?
Why would I say that I'm fighting all my instincts to run?
Because you know I won't
Because I love you
And leaving would hurt just as bad as this

And why would I tell you I don't want you to have a third partner?
Although you kind of already do
And even staining those words on this screen
Makes me want to ******* die

We're supposed to work through ****
But what if I can't?
I know we've all felt this way
But we are not the same
You and they cried about it
So did I
A few times
But now I'm just angry and resentful
And I feel nothing aside from that
Except the urge to hurt myself

Why would I tell you that hanging out doesn't help me?
It really doesn't change anything
Because even when we're together
I accidentally see her name across your phone screen
You mention her in a story
And my insides implode and I
Immediately
Wanted
to leave

But we were in a group
And I didn't want to answer any questions
Because these thoughts feel juvenile
And my aggression that's normally hidden
Tucked deep inside where no one else can see it
Is starting to break free
And I don't know what that means

When I'm at work I want to die
But when I go home I feel the exact same
And if you had came over today
I knew it was out of pity
And I don't need that ****
You cannot fix me
Nothing helps this

I feel ******* useless
I feel replaceable
I feel angry and aggressive (because I am)
And I feel invisible
I feel like I don't matter at all
And what I feel means absolutely nothing
Because you'll do whatever you want
And even though I say that's fine
I'm ******* suffocating
And I really don't know if I can hold my breathe much longer
Before I lose myself
And leave

We used to text all the time
We hated texting
But we always wanted to talk
Now my phone is silent

We used to say these cute things
Like I love you forever
And I'll never leave
And now it just sounds forced

We used to always want to sleep together
Talking all night
And cuddling close
And now we're canceling plans

You say your feelings won't change
But our interactions have
These seemingly small details
Feel like everything for me
And being around you doesn't feel the same
Because I know you've been with her
She's probably more fun than me
Especially with all the negative **** I'm feeling
So how can I blame you for bringing her up in stories
When I can barely look at you

I feel so alone
Even though we're still together
You've got two other partners now
And I tried to find one other
but that didn't work either
Because I didn't feel the connection I feel with you
And I honestly don't think I ever will
And I hate that
I resent you for that
Because I am dying right now
And I want to ******* run
But if I leave I'll die anyways
So what's the point?

I lived with depression
For almost my entire life
And this hurts more than that
I've been cheated on many times
By many loves
And this hurts more than that
I take blades to my shins
And this hurts so much more than that
Cause that's the only thing that sets me free anymore

Because I am ******* trapped
You've taken all of the control away from me
And I know it's not intentional
But I can't stop this anger
It's consuming me and I'm taking it out on you
Parts of me want to

But mostly I want to be alone
Because I'm a ******* mess right now
And I feel entirely isolated anyways
And having people around will only hurt more
Because it doesn't change anything
Nothing does
And I don't know if it ever will

Why does this hurt so badly?
My emotions are circulating like a tornado
Alternating between crippling sadness breeding burning tears
And intense anger at not understanding
Why need more?
Which is an offensive question but that's how I feel
Why make your life even more difficult
When you claim you don't even know how you feel?
If you don't then why are you still pursuing it?
Why are you sleeping together more regularly?
Why is this not enough?

And as a poly person myself I should understand
But this is ******* killing me
I've been hoping you'd text me at least once today
And now I only want you to so I can ******* ignore it
Cause this **** hurts
And it burns
And it's tearing up my soul
Because I love you more than you'll ever know
And I just don't get it

I know I should keep an open mind
And try to be accepting of all of this
But I flat out don't like her
Which is immature because I don't even know her
But from what I hear she doesn't respect you
Not the way they and I do
Not how you deserve to be treated
Maybe it was a one time mistake
Or maybe it'll be worth it for you
But right now I can't even breathe

Even though I'm putting you through the same thing
It's still different in some ways
I only have one partner
You're looking at three
And I know it's stupid to count numbers and compare
But what the ****?
If it's hard enough now
Why can't you just work with this
Why add another person to the mix?

But I also want to support you
Because I love you undyingly
And I want you to be happiest
But I can't even think about talking to you
Knowing you're with someone else right now
I can't think about you without thinking about her
Wondering if you've kissed her
Questioning how you feel and
If you're actually being real with me

And yeah I should try to think this will pass
But what if I don't want it to?
What if I don't want to numb myself to this pain?
Cause it hurts
And I'm not ok
But I chose this and I knew this could happen
And I'm angry at myself for these feelings I carry
And I wish I could be numb to it all
I wish I didn't care so much
But I do
And this ******* *****

Our relationship is defined
By sleepy closing eyes
Suddenly fluttering awake
Because we realized something else to critique
We move through this life
Stuck in the definitions of the systems
But we know better
We know to question everything
From endless rants about capitalism
To minorly correcting the others word choice
Anarchy fuels our veins
As our hearts beat in sync
To our own vibrations

I feel your soul as you lay beside me
Sound asleep but I'm still awake
Days like these I wish I could hold onto
But this much emotion also breeds fear
Fear of hurt
Fear of pain
Fear of losing myself again
I love you
And this is hard
Even though you're under the most pressure
This situation is pushing me too
Of course it's worth it
But that doesn't make it easy
I'll always keep trying though
Because this love is worth it