10/20/2021

Retreating shadows, the night has lost
Victorious day, but what is the cost?
The trees leave their leaves around
In piles here and there on the ground
The cold air stings my lungs and my face
And my numbed bones become like a brace
The black of night turns greens to yellows
The lack of light is poison the world swallows
Blue skies slowly give in to the grays
Low clouds with white flakes and dark haze
It’s daytime now, but what did we lose?
The night has left us bitterly bruised.

"There is no greater need than a hurt person's need for more hurt"
I spent hundreds of nights crying to a God I believed didn't love me
I was so sure my miracle of being born was a mistake God made
But God doesn't make mistakes
And so I spent hundreds of nights crying to a God who owed me nothing
I owed no one anything and they owe me nothing
then He made me feel as if I owed him my entire being
He was a monster in the making
He was a boy who was raised that way
He was a tormentor
I spent hours crying to a God to take away my debt to him
It took me two years to realize I owed him nothing
He picked me apart piece by piece
He made me feel like I was sick
He had felt like the cure to the poison I created
It took me two years to realize I was poisoned by everyone who ever cared about me
I poisoned him right back though
He was sick and so was I
We needed help but knew we wouldn't ask
We were two people poisoning each other with our sickness

We owe each other nothing
I was broken and begging for help
He made me feel as if I were dramatic
Attention seeking
Fine
He made me so angry I forgot what it was like to be sad
I operated under the impression I was less
I was unlovable
Because no one in my life had told me otherwise

We owe nothing to each other
I owe my love to no one
I do not deserve or earn love
People give love freely
And so do I