The only time
is now

No future yet

All past gone

A spot in
eternity

forever.

Eelco van der Waals

I felt your skin
strip away from me-
you said you’d be right back-
as you slipped into foreign bodies,
lips soft with easy dinners,
who forgot the lightbulb burning out,
the lid left rattling on the counter,
a suit of pots dented, stacked,
steam lifting from a rust-ringed drain.

That studio in the Texas Riviera
was never meant to last-
brown carpet, AC rattling,
bass beating through drywall,
neon from the Whataburger sign
bleeding through blinds.
We were two beautiful accidents
in a month-to-month, always paid late,
your sweat a spell pressed into my skin,
ankles grinding on parking lot gravel,
the road outside a forgotten promise.

And when you smiled I held you
like a chipped glass,
rim still sharp enough to cut.
The ember died against porcelain,
the glitter was swept with the crumbs.
Your armor slumped in the pantry corner,
rusted tins, lids unfastened.
You walked away, naked and ordinary,
the light left buzzing in the kitchen-
outside, asphalt slicked with oil-sheen,
my body, also, dissolved
into the shimmer of the road.

am i the only stalking other people's lives?
checking their whereabouts, current engagement - basically their life now
am i the only one restricting myself from doing so but only ending up from clicking that **** account.
that **** photo.
that **** profile.
why am i so curious about their lives to the point that i always have that tiny split of moment where i think nothing but just them?
am i envious? i don't know.
am i wishing them bad? ofcourse not.
am i somehow comparing myself? i guess? i think so?
you see, it's a look in the past that's still passed on to present.
and right now.
but now.
remember this time, september 11, at this **** moment - eveything's erased in my system.
nothing but only for my growth, well-being. basically all about me.

and to those reading this right now, we got this. once out of your sight, it'll be out of your mind.

focus on oneself. focus on your own life. focus on your dreams as you always did. don't even blink an eye.

May Contain Triggers

I cut all my hair, everyday
the black slowly drifting to the floor
I poured pink into my life, onto my head
to stain into colors, my vision going purple, black, then red
My once clean room piles up in the corner of my eyes
And I flinched away from the piles and piles of lies
to be ignored and locked away
just for another day
I cried all my tears, so now I sit and stare
And I for once can't somehow care
like I used to, and how I loved
many things, and grew flowers with my hands cupped
I wonder if time will forever stay still
so calm when war goes on, the murders. the kills.
I draw on skin, feeling far away
sitting there with rain dripping down my face
water to wash the blood, down, down, down
If I could hurt for my sins, maybe I'd get what I deserved
little by little,
and they all refuse to know or see it all
and I sit here with my heart starting to hurt
I stand at the edge everyday, below me I watch
the waters turn and churn into a whirlpool I can't stop
The bridge that I stand at is so far up, and I cannot see into the darkness
And reality soon begins to lose it's hardness
not sharp enough, not deep enough, not enough to lose it all
and they all believed they saw
but why did they believe I was worth it?
Even when the candles fell to create fire, but from me they were lit.
I look in the mirror, and see the pieces fall
and it cracks and beyond I hear a small voice call
If i'd made it in time, I would have made it there
But now my world crashes, and the voice disappears
so quiet, so sane, so protective, so safe
But it all still drops away
I listen to music, with the world drowned out
To watch it go by, quietly. Earth's calling in dispair
but nobody will listen
nobody will care.
Sometimes I sing, maybe because I know it will be my last
or maybe my past love I had then is now lost
Because this world goes so so fast,
and I don't know at what cost.
Every night, I sleep on the side of the bed
piles and piles below me,
and pressure and pressure from above
up I stare, and see stars I do not,
I look up at the ceiling with my windows still locked
I wish to be held, but to be never touched
to be called out to, but to me, no one shall talk
it's what I want, but I miss the old traditions
of losing myself in all the equations
I have no time, yet i have the world
though I wish I didn't
everyday I wake up, I'm afraid of the sights,
that I continue to see.
These memories I must keep,
this act I must play,
keep my mouth taped, or sewn shut
Maybe one day the thread will wear off.
But for now the waters fight itself below me,
and I wonder how it'd feel to jump
to take in a breath
and to let it hold me like  I let no one else
or do I still sit here as dawn starts to ring its bells?
We will see
we will see

hide
against
angry screams
nobody knew where we were
if they opened the door
us like statues
every second
shaking
blank
switched off
motionless
still warm
checked pulse
nothing
no breathing
fall back
dead weight
rising like a heat mirage
cry

Smoke smudges the canvas,
and despite my best efforts
it starts to smear
as it runs down the pages and pages
And drains into the dark of the night
as the sidewalks become ice,
and the sky becomes light
Slipping and sliding
through the words that are meant to comfort
but I flinch as though
the words themselves raise their hands
towards me
Nights spent
curled
In the closet where I thought
I would belong
But the rain still pitter patters
on the top of the roof
that I tried to build to keep me safe
but still it leaks into the room, and onto the naked
parts of my arms, my neck
where I cannot let them see
For where they'd send me
i don't want to know
and for that I am too afraid

May contain triggers

Her eyes are blue, but sometimes they look green
or grey in the light, or brimmed with tears
in my lap, in my arms
she cried and cried and cried
questioning why
His eyes were blue, but they had yellow in them
Sometimes they would also look green, or grey, or sometimes black with his emotions that he kept to himself, questioning why
nobody knew, and why nobody cared
when his breathing became tight, and his arms
became sandpaper
and his body didn't seem like his own
Scared
full of fear
Eyes that saw and didn't see, eyes that would no longer
open and his chest would not breathe
and I would beg him to take a breath
that wasn't there
Her eyes were green, so green with glints of color
Loneliness became glitter that made her eyes shine
with gold, and silver that twinkled in the light
Her clothes stayed unfolded in the corner of her room,
and her necklaces stayed locked away
Her songs became silent melodies that no one would listen to
and the place that she treasured, she hated school
Her eyes were brown, from once blue they grew to black
like obsidian, with anger that she'd never tell
we'd all question why, and who hurt her
in this family of barbed wire
and glass eggshells
Her eyes that became amber in the light,
and the eyes that people ignored and avoided
the eyes that love too easily, but pushed away too fast
the eyes that cry, and cry
while punches get thrown
His eyes are green, but people say they're blue
from the grandmother to the child, they'd not shared much words
But he stays alone, eyes locked on a screen
because it's all he has, his father is miles away
his mother does not listen, and he looks in the mirror
with hate in his eyes, looking for the God he questions is real
begging him to listen, but he cries out with rage
Her eyes are blue, with dark on the outside
Her eyes are full of pain, and with anger
and with a coldness that isn't comforting
Her eyes are the ones I avoid, and fear fills me
if I stare too long,
Her eyes are fascinating, because they're not green
nor grey nor brown
they're the morning sky before noon has taken the day
they're the ones that went through all and went through none
always questioning, not feeling, always wondering
thinking past her worries, and thinking of a fantasy
Her eyes seem brown sometimes, her eyes seem blue
I can never place the color, perhaps they are emerald
maybe they are golden, or perhaps the color of coffee
they are the eyes of terror, of a child grown too fast
of a smile held by the child within her,
questioning her life, questioning her scars
drinking away her worries, drinking away her fears
Draining her sleep, so she'd get what she deserved
But it was never what she deserved
her are the eyes that needs to be held but cannot trust
hers is the eyes that cannot feel
her eyes is one of whom is lost, of whom can't find
something to grab on to so she is forever drowning
My eyes are brown, and always wishes to change
the color, the way it shines,
Wishing it would change into another person
who deserved the life she has
Eyes that spent childhood crying
In front of people, and stared into nothingness
the locations changed, slowly going behind locked doors
until it wasn't her eyes that cried, but her skin
the droplets slowly forming on her wrists,
down her elbow then down the drain
The eyes that are black, a void that cannot be filled
always thinking, never stopping,
even when sleep takes them, placing it's warm hand
on the lids
Until she wakes with no recollection
and thinks again of stained carpets and waters
50 feet below her
and windows into the ice that could drain
her energy into the earth
that she's beaten and burned and loved
into the life that she'll take into the one she'll hold

Words written into a letter
that I know you won't read
messages left unread
and I can't help but wonder if you've already left
Questions that become drawings upon my skin
the ink already stinging, drying
I've become the target in my mind, a thing to hit
Striking home, staying at home crying
Holding myself because you're so far away
but still I know you like a stranger, no matter what you say
Closer than I'd let,
closer than i'd imagined
just one year becomes life
and I have to let you go
I wonder what's holding you back
Is it all of the stories, to take you away from this world
Evil, evil world, with it's shadows
convincing you not to eat, less you get sick and hurl
yourself into oblivion, to not be awake
One last thing before you take