I can only throw the ball once

When playing fetch with my dog

Otherwise he gets a complex

Thinking he didn't do it right

The first time

Falling from my head
These thoughts that make us worry again
These thoughts that make us wonder again
These thoughts that make us
Falling from my head
This paranoia again
They’re watching us again
They’re always there to
Make me wonder
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they hear me?
Can they see... Me?
Falling out of time
I dip and try to hide
From the monster I am inside
This monster growing
Makes me wonder,
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they see?

In the dark, I am no longer taken,
No more pursued by those judging gazes.
Absent from this world I stay, forsaken,
But existing - hiding from dead faces.

In the dark I am suspended, frozen
Forever in this world which feigns to care;
Time has been lost, the days and weeks broken.
I stand still, decaying into nowhere.

In the dark, I waken to the calling
Of one too many thoughts pulling me down.
This place of solitude - it means nothing,
Not when tomorrow's the day I will drown.

In the dark, I can hide for no longer,
Those dark thoughts grow forever stronger.

Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
My nerves have failed me yet again.

Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
My senses are overwhelmed again.

Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
My body can’t handle what it’s taking

Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
My diaphragm is twisting and turning.




                     I’m scared.

Obsessively thinking, about thinking
I'm thinking the thoughts in my head, were placed there.
Something is wrong with the part of my brain that does the linking.
The seams that were made when my last therapist took out my brain, are starting to tear.

I'm lost in the flow of my words. Planted words.
Am I losing my mind? I can't lose it a second time.
The verbs I produced, destroy me, with slicing, and dicing.
And the rhyming, has turned into pantomime.

What were the words I spoke minutes ago?
Have they even taken my memory?
A part of me doesn't want to know.
But this is different, this is treachery.

Stolen thoughts, stolen memories, stolen words.
Am I the "crazy" that everyone imagines?
My mind keeps getting split, halves, now thirds.
I think the diagnois matches.

I guess I was meant to be crazy.

is there anything worse than losing yourself
i can think of many things stuck on the shelf
must be something else that slipped my mind
perhaps a feeling that someone left behind
i can't just pretend that it isn't there
i cannot see it so i shouldn't care
that sounds fair but i keep having nightmares
then it hit me, it was always right there
paranoid nostalgia just thinking about ya
now my voice is louder but it doesn't have the power
the power to lead me away from my misery

I guess it is a relief to see you
Again, my old friend. Cloaked, your head of blue,
You wander among the graves like fireflies,
Absolute darkness, jittering night skies.  
It never seems to fail to startle my
Child-like sensation of life passing by.
Orderly rows, rigid cartridge paper,
Ink and tax reports, functions to cater.
Misanthropic, naïve, idealistic
Degenerative and narcissistic,
Paranoid, poisonous, parasitic
Fear giver. Fear receiver. Entropic
Skeleton, dancing in caustic acid,
Looking on. A quiet, forlorn Aphid.