There are only two ways of which I know how to deal with the hurt.
The first way is simple.
Cry.

For months my cheeks have remained permanently stained with invisible tears. The constant rivulets have become so part of me, my friends have stopped noticing. They don't ask what's wrong anymore.
Bottle after bottle of water I force myself to gulp down. Not to clear my skin, or keep in good health, but in response to the dehydration headaches, caused by crying too hard
for too long.
I thought I ran out of tears to cry, just a few short weeks ago. I felt no pain when I spoke his name. I did not feel that familiar drop in my stomach when I saw reminders of what we used to have.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I awoke the next morning, my eyes betraying my gentle sleep, the dream of that boy still fresh on the movie screen inside my head. It's quite jarring to wake up in tears, alone.
Turns out what I had hoped was me moving on, was just one of those days where I feel absolutely nothing.
Empty and numb.

I miss your beautiful blue eyes
Your sweet addictive kiss
The pain and sadness of loving your broken soul
Is one part of you I will never miss

you made me
feel like i'm a trash;
you're the reason why
i don't trust myself that much

This isn't 2007
You're not as pretty as you think you were
Or as fit as you were back then
You're not in high school
You didn't even win Prom Queen
All your juvenile accomplishments may have meant something to people who cared about high school
But then nobody cares now
Suckers are falling for the cruelty of compliments
And they can't tell the difference between an insult from your mouth and kindness from a good person in the form of me delivering you to the painful truth
That when you were somebody
It wasn't preparing you for anything
You're going to be nobody forever
Just another face on TV
With 15 minutes of forgetability
Because you were never really giving. You never knew what it meant to defend the defenseless, fight for what was right, or think about making somebody else look good when they needed a win.
You only think of survival in the jungle of pettiness
And when you feel you've done some sort of triumph
It's always about you

I want to have you, yet I cannot take you.
I want to leave you, yet I am bounded to you.

To slowly be torn piece by piece,
to forever be tortured in the midst of joy.

To forever be shrouded in blood,
amidst a field of white roses.

To be forever dying,
in the arms of unrequited love.

I crave bad things
smoke and heartbreak
cuts along my thighs
romanticized pain
because that's what they don't want
what they don't want
is what I am

Life was perfect- nothing to worry about
Enjoying everday, every minute, not and second
Never worrying about anything bad happening

But then, one day, things took a drastic turn
I'm now on the verge of ending my life
Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing matters anymore

The only thing that's stoping me is that:
I'll be hurting those around me, those who love me and everyone around me will be affected in some way

I can't do this to my best friend, she is everything to me
Without her, I'm nothing
I now found reasons to not **** myself

And I learned that life is going to be more painful death

But I just have to live through it
And one day, all will be different- a good different