Whenever there’s a storm,
And I hear the rain pour,
As the wind blows,
I’m reminded of the coziness of home.
That feeling of safeness,
A place to hide from the darkness,
When it seems hopeless,
A bed for your tiredness.
Though I know,
Not everyone has a home,
Or one that is safe,
One without pain,
So I feel empathy,
For those who may not be,
Lucky like me.
As I write these words,
I hear you,
And I’ll hold you,
In a tight hug.
It’ll be okay!
The storms aren’t here to stay.
Even though the winds may blow,
You can find a home.

When I rattle this cage, it brings me no rage
I resign myself to being a tragic part of you
Its like I burnt the greatest words from a page
And like an escaped bird who could not grew

Wandering alone and is it too late?
My heart stops beating to this fate.
Is it time for me to pause and relate
How about what I use to appreciate?

I say, stop this but I can't be alone to every beat
Now a savoury treat but it used to taste so sweet
My heart, it breaks, but can you feel everything I relate
Is it too soon to try, be able or will this too I will break

Hey, you're alright? battle's over but can't we pretend
That we can find a way to avoid reaching our end
But truth is naked, more sacred than our lives
We still see the doves above with their pure cries
Inside of us, poison ivy grows and will judge our lies

There's only a cliff in front, hug me and please wait
With baited breathe, has to be but I can't find an escape
Both tortured souls, just mist around us
but this I can't contemplate......
Not for you anyway, not like your sins could ever match
I need to save you, but the darkness now engulfs

I love you with all my heart, we can just stay and not jump
Who cares what comes next, don’t dare move to the front
I can’t allow you, baby just listen, if you die, I can’t take it
I can’t be here alone, please be calm, stay here, do not split

Don't leave me.....
Ever again.......
I know......
But I can't...

Let go......
Please don't go.....

Things have gotten dark for me since we first shared a drink, things I didn’t know i had forgotten now I think.

Things that I had pushed away to places I thought lost, things that I thought buried but have always had a cost.

Things that come to haunt me when it’s dark and I am alone, things that take me to a place which feels so far from home.

Things that they have done to me, things they made me feel.

Things that made me small and scared, these things I wished weren’t real.

But wishing doesn’t matter when I am lying in my bed, and things they circle round my room and trap me in my head.

But things they cannot beat me though I feel how hard they try. The things that think they’re winning when they see me shake and cry.

For they are only things now and these things belong to me, the things of pain, the things of shame, the things of misery.

These things of trauma I will own, yes I will fight and win. These things will not define me but be part of who I’ve been.

And who I’ll be tomorrow? Well the things don’t get a say. I do not fear tomorrow, I am me, and me I’ll stay.

I gave up chronic alcoholism a few days back
as I got some severe pain on my left side just
below my rib cage. Strangely I still have that
pain but only if I poke the region with my finger.
The pain went away after 2 hours and came back
after eating a meal the next day but now I can only
feel the piercing pain if I poke the region.

I was drinking 3 liters of wine a day or a bottle
of Bullett Bourbon or 30 cans of strong beer for
the last couple of years.

I saw my doctor and got meds that make it impossible
for me to drink as it changes the taste to very ******.

Today I saw him again. He took my blood pressure and
said it was high. He's getting me to take a blood test
tomorrow first thing in the morning after fasting and a
***** test.

I believe the results are going to be bad but I deserve
the bad karma anyway. I really did hurt a-lot of people
when I got smashed over the 2 and a half years.
I could barely put my shoes on before seeing him. It made me exhausted and I've been breathing far more heavier and strained. I always have flume in my throat.

My eyes are yellowing  but not my skin. I do believe I'm in the early or mid stages of liver disease and possibly diabetes but that's on me for the path I chose. Early liver disease can be reversed as can Diabetes. My family has always been very heavy drinkers. My uncle used to drink a bottle of whiskey a day for 40 years and when he got asbestos poisoning, his liver was ironically perfect. His doctor said to him
" I bet you have never had a drink in your life" My Uncle replied " You are on the ball there"
Heart failure and attacks are what kills the men in my family.

I'm not scared of death, I'm scared of not being able to show in 6 months that I am a much better human being and I wish to build bridges again. I need forgive-ness but that will only come with action. My goal in life if I survive is to help elderly men. Drive them to the shops and appointments and just be a friend to them. I'm planning on taking the course soon to be qualified to do this.

I want to change from the demon to a selfless human and feel humanity, empathy & the way I was before I hit the bottle.

I need to survive long enough to answer to the terrible things I have said & apologize truthfully.
I won't accept a new liver though as I don't believe I deserve it. I would rather it goes to someone much more deserving.

I awakened myself with a start
and crammed my medicine down
Opened old with fresh wounds
hunting myself with a pack of wolves

My soul choked within the morning
as it crawled to my daily tasks
Performed them standing on my head
when the wolves went to take a nap

(see me)
                See me running while I sleep

(tease me)
                   Tease me with that slab of beef

(please me)
                     Please me as I feel no pain

(free me)
                Free me with sweet insomnia again

Lulled me to sleep with soft panting
I opened mine eyes within your dream
where stones and metal ease the pain
Holy eyes closed in unholy sleep

The night stampeded like oxen
My soul dimly lit your face
My home now this haunted keep
since I never woke again

Just try to pull me from my bed
and flush my medicine away

Try and close my open wounds
and put a lead on the wolves

My sleep will only get deeper
The dosage will only get higher
The wounds more infected
The wolves bigger and faster than you

(see me)
               See me alive when I awake

(tease me)
                  Tease me then let me wholly partake

(please me)
                    Please me by letting me feel again

(free me)
                Free me with sweet peace again.

Two hurt souls with a hope to find tranquility, two lost souls torn and wasted, restricting them selves form falling for cupids temptations, souls attracted by their similarities in spite of the odds, desperate to find a way out, to find a soul mate that would rescue them from eternal solitude, they find eachother with an intense force and passion so desperate causing impact at the slightest touch, they evolve into a storm moving the skies violently without a care for destiny, they move through the friction and dance through their dark clouds and at the slightest graze the skies  roar again, lightning consuming their sky, upon realizing they can not be one, they make a desperate attempt to hang on to eachother Grasping violently  hurting one another  with every carress thunder cracks through their sky once again bringing down a deluge of tears, pain and insatiable nights that evaporate slowly into a heavy dew falling over the streets they once walked. The silence that fills the air  dense with emptiness the skies are clear the sun shines and the only solace they will find lies in the ghost of their storm and the grey in their skies