Decided to become that version—
Heartless. Ruthless.
No place for love.

No emotions dictating,
Only silence, always calculating.
No chances taken,
Nothing to hurt, no pain to endure.

But then it dawned—
Even this was emotion dictating.
Just a bargain with time,
To postpone the pain.

No one is invulnerable.
No one is unstoppable.
No one can escape,
When love decides to pay a visit.

No one can escape
The joy that it brings,
And the dreaded pain that follows

There's a little
boy that hides in
the dark corners of
my soul.
He doesn't want to
be hurt anymore.
I spent eight years
with Beth.
For the most part,
it was hell and
constant pain.
She made nightmares
look good.
I heard the
little boy cry
late into the
silky night,
while snails got
smashed on the streets
of Ventura.

When I drank, which was often,
the little boy seemed
at peace for awhile,
while swans were
murdered in Venice,
and I tasted the ashes
of Neruda.
Years flew by
like seagulls;
up
down
and darting.
The little boy
continued to
hide in the
dark corners of my soul.

He wanted to
come out and be loved.
He was thirsty for it,
but there wasn't
any around.
It was dry, like the
deserts in hell.
It's too late for
sorries here comes
the plow.

He began to see
the pattern of life.
Some monsters walk in the light.
Vulnerability equals pain.
The little boy got mean.
And now he carries
a knife.

I want to know why
You started treating me like somebody else
I miss who we used to be
It was just us
And we seen each other every day
But now I can see the color fade
In your eyes when you see me
And the weight of regret.

I want to know why
You started acting like everyone else
They got tired of me
Because I love so violently
And now, you pull away
When I want you close

You lied, about a few things
Like wanting to get married
Or wanting to breed
I just wish you hadn't wasted my time
With false hopes
That I will ever be happy
And my ******* OCD
Keeps cutting into my stomach
To let me know I'm alone
I guess I won't say a word
Because the last thing you'd do
Is check your phone.

Can't you see me through heaving breathing
a hand which grips while shouldering
A feeling wishing I could one day feel good,
but its like I don't know if I deserve & should.

Canaries never fly with guilty eyes of sorrow,
The crows will wake me up early tomorrow,
The zombies beat to parades of marching death
but I turn a corner, remembering everything she said.

We wish upon blown candle wax on birthdays,
until the day our little smiles turn to sobs and cries,
and as adults we will flame worse than kerosene & ***
and we'll walk to our death to beat of our lives' drums.

He buries a small hole in the garden,
wraps her thoughtfully in a pink blanket,
inside a small wooden light coffin.
Tears will flow down his skin so hardened,
the crops that sail in the wind, no gambit

Lowers her gently, tilts her head forward,
tries to pray but his trembling words slur,
Every day-break she was with the orchids,
Carefully clipping and hand watering

He still has a seat for her at the dinner table,
letting go of it has been far too painful,
He keeps her room as she had last left it,
scattered drawings and her red draped jacket.

"Take a break everyday,
Grieve what burdens you", they said
I chose my tea time
One hour in the evening, everyday
But I do not know why
It never seems to end
When one ends,
The other starts
The sun rises, the sun sets
Day ends, a new day starts
But I have a tea break
That just never ends

I'm so sick of writing about pain, and how it's taking me over.
I wanna scream for everything to stop.
the pain and hurt and sickness.
curl myself up in a ball and forget what it was like to feel.... I just wanna stop feeling everything so deeply for just a second so I can start thinking clearly.
I'm somewhat convinced the darkness hates me, refusing to give me any sort of rest.
I've forgotten what the word sleep means.
nobody knows what happens behind that door after 11. the room slowly starts closing in on itself, leaving me such little room to breathe.
It reminds me of everything I've done wrong, everything I've lost.... you.
I've tried to tune it out.... refusing to let it get to me, but always.... it always found a way to rip me apart so silently, so meaninglessly.
no one would believe me even if I told them.
"how can the darkness be so cruel? go to sleep."
I can feel their voices clogging my lungs, everything they say is another stab to my already bleeding heart.
I will scream.... but nobody will hear my pleas for peace.

I’m running through the streets

I left part of me  in those sheets

I run home to you

Crashing like waves on the ocean’s shore

This city can’t contain me anymore

When they told me it’s not normal

How she made me feel this abnormal

How she played me like a fool

Just because I was too cool

And now I’m haunted by the memory of her

I never asked for this, why me?

Haunted by things I cannot see

My heart’s beating fast

My bones remember the past

Every inch of my body aches

period period go away
i do not need you
for i am gay

period period back again
why are you here
i am a man

period period my stomach doing twirls
i cant get pregnant
i **** girls.