How can you sleep knowing that you can easily hurt someone close to you?
Easy, it's because they don't know you're hurting
You put up all these walls to the point that saying "it's fine" is the verge of tears
You know you're not fine, but you push through it all
Trying to stay focus on one project a day gets harder as days pass
You just wish for someone to ask if you need help with any of your projects
...but no...no one ask, but it's fine
It's fine that you can silently cry and no one will notice your puffy red face
It's fine that you had to suppress emotions to make your friends and family happy
It's fine that your parents haven't seen you have an anxiety attack
Wait, no...change that, to the fact that parents think my anxiety is part of a phase
If it was a phase, I would like it to be over already
A phase is what my parents were thinking when I wanted to dye my hair
A phase is what my friends thought when I realized I liked girls
But hey, it's fine
Generally okay with the fact that I will rarely get support from family
But it's fine because my "family" that I have created thanks to some loyal friends will be there holding signs, screaming my name louder than everyone
It's fine that I can barely speak about myself without getting mixed up emotions
Emotions that have been hiding under my bed with the monsters that stopped existing
The emotions everyone clearly don't want to see with me...so then I put up more walls
Each wall stronger than the last one
Using all kinds of materials for each wall
But its it's okay because I think it's fine.

I’ve been happy today
It’s... it’s been so long...
I... I feel okay
I feel... human...
I feel... I feel like living

I'm supposed to be healthy.

I work out daily,
My eating habits are normal,
I'm physically healthy,
My grades can be fixed,
My mental health is becomming better,
I'm in a loving, non-toxic relationship,
The connection to my family is alright,
I'm close with my friends.
I have a lot of hobby's and interests
I don't feel empty most of the time.

Why, Why, Do I Not Feel Okay?

Please, do not ask me
if I am okay.
I do not want to
add that lie to all
the reasons I had
to die.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow | Alek the Poet

Progress
faster at night
faster than light

The infectious blight
the margin is tight
keep it in your sight
Just know
that it’ll be alright
that your feelings are slight

Even though everything is better when you look in hindsight
open your headlight
Because there’s nothing you can rewrite

Nothings ever black and white
I will be your satellite under the moonlight
Forever and ever including tonight

And you think everything is gonna be okay?
You think you know me?
You don’t ‘cause how could you?

I don’t even know myself.
I don’t recognize the fact that I'm walking around with I wall build so tall nobody is ever gonna reach me.
But I suppose that's fine cuz why would anyone even care.

I don't even care anymore.
I'm just waiting for it to happen.
Waiting for the whole world to fall apart.

Then maybe someone would care.
Maybe someone would bother enough to see that I'm breaking.
I'm breaking and I don't know what to do about it.

The soul hunters came for me the other day
but it was okay,
because I don't have what they want
anyway.