curtains closed, I sit in darkness
as I wait for you
if you don't return,
I will have spoken to no one all day

full of graceful accomplishments,
my river still runs dry
with the thought of sleeping alone
and waking with surprise
at the empty sheets next to me

every time, I sigh
and I hold back the urge to cry impulsively
distraught over a broken nail
as husbands die of cancer
in the hospital down the street

oh, how I'd cry then,
if it were you dying,
but you're just simply gone -
off to work, doing your duties

as I wait in the darkness,
and I think of you
please don't stay at your mother's tonight
I promise,
your little brother will be just fine

I sit on our recliner,
Luna bar wrapper on the floor.
My robe is cinched
too tight, a reminder--
your fingers should meet
around my waist, but my ****
and *** should spill out of your palms
because defined curves and wiles
are the definition of a divine
woman worthy of insta-fame,
tumblr posts, and right
swipes.

I'll twist and turn and pose
in front of any mirror, desperate
for a flat-planed stomach and fuller
cleavage, the whole time
wondering if you look at me bent
over the bathroom counter, fixing my eyeliner,
and think that I'm a dime disguised
in a size 0 dress.

If my sides could shrink as fast
as my self-esteem, I'd never crunch
my abs into idealistic numbers again.

Lately I’m obsessed with the black and white photos of the world. The way they bring out the details you didn’t think you’d see in your life.
Lately I’m obsessed with the hidden greyscale of my life. The little spots or blemishes I didn’t know I had in between the cracks of my mind.

Lately I’m obsessed with knowing all I can know about how to forget my past. How to find those ancient remedies or dark coffees and fruity teas that will stop the pain in my heart for a little while.

Even though these obsessions seem so tiny compared to my big thoughts and wild dreams.. I can’t stop thinking of what’s next. Mystery lies on the horizon of my new obsession & how I will handle it.

Look at me.
Just look at me the way you look at those other girls.
They’re everywhere, little miss ‘perfect’s
who have *******, big bottoms, blonde hair
what’s wrong with me?
Just because I don’t look like that.

Talk to me.
Just talk to me the way you talk to those other girls.
You know the ones I mean,
the ones that initiate conversation through the eyelids they bat,
through their smell that lingers as they walk past your table,
you just can’t help but want to talk to them.
What’s wrong with me?
Just because I don’t smell like that.

Be with me.
Just be with me the way you want to be with those other girls.
The way that you slide into your covers of a night
and ponder what it would be like to be in theirs.
I can’t help being who I am.
What’s wrong with me?
Just because I can’t be like that.

Well maybe I should stop watching you.
Well maybe I should stop imagining you.
Well maybe I should stop,
         maybe I should stop being with you.

A week ago, I noticed
a cramp in my neck
veins aching,
old bones cracking because -- I don’t know how to use them anymore

I only hold myself like this now.
In a position with a one-track mind
where I only look at my feet.

A part of me.

A month ago,
I noticed a cramp in my thumbs.
The veins in my wrist at a stand still -- no blood
because I don't need blood for my thumbs to type.
But soon…
my veins, my bodies connections aren’t helping
and I can no longer move my thumbs.

Disconnected
Wireless
Obsessed with me & my own person

I can’t make eye contact.

all I see of my friends anymore are words and emojis --

There is no depth.

All I see
Is the tile beneath my feet where my roots cannot grow
wi-fi…
is a broken system

Last night I walked into a cafe where love is blind and so am I

And whether or not is a newspaper or laptop
I won’t talk
because I am scared to ask
the article he is reading,
the essay she is writing, or the game they are playing.

If I do talk, I will look at their
Ears
Nose
Mouth
Hair
Forehead wrinkles
Or the space between their eyes because
I am afraid.

My name is Robert Nelson.
I’ve been married for fifty years
and I do not know the color of my wife’s eyes

My name is Jill Lennord & I cannot see the greens,
blues, or browns hidden in my husband’s face
and I have not known them since the cafe.

I can’t read a compass.
I tried turning it, but I only found an x.

X

The dependent variable.

ME

Dependent.

dependent on a broken connection, a broken system separating tables & people in cafe,
Dependent

searching for a Y variable.
but that requires that I look there
or there
or there
and I can’t do that I can’t find why I can’t
I can’t find my independence.
I don’t know why.
I can’t find my Y
All I have is my safe spot.
My feet,
My roots,
Me.
My obsession with me.
I’m obsessed with a disconnect and
EYE don't know why…

I can’t just look up.

I saw how obsession led to the rotting of your mind,
and threw you onto the path of madness of a kind;
it all began when he stopped looking at you the way he used to;
yes it all began when you realised he'd never even loved you.

You thought you could win his heart,
if only you could make yourself look like a work of art,
so you dropped six stone and dyed your hair blonde,
everything to keep him from his need to abscond.
And you pierced your nose and got a tattoo,
all because you knew that was the kind of girl he was into.
You became emaciated - a skeleton so withdrawn,
no longer the person you once were and now so forlorn.

I saw how obsession led to the rotting of your mind,
and threw you onto the path of madness of a kind.
Now you're just a shell of a girl I used to know;
a ghost who lost her once golden glow.

i'm obsessed with light lately
it's not that much of a surprise
i was in love with you, wasn't i?

When the moon
And sun connect
I sit and wonder
Where you are now
Pondering on what you could be doing
Hating that you
Are not with me basking
In the sunlight
Do others not know
That you are my everything
You are my daylight
You are my sunshine
But what am I doing
Professing this unadulterated
Love
When you only know
My name
Only know
How I look
Only know that
I am the source of your
Disgust

Silence,     screaming lies
The lion in the sun
Bathing     in the bubbling      s p r i n g s
The grass towards the sky kissing
Lips, dead or try
Harder, faster,      cry
Now,   again   , on high--
The pastor, to the choir
Sing PRAISE                        Hallelujah...
Lord!     Oh my and my fingers
Round' your ears, caressing skin
Me alive, as long as I'm here
                                           By your side.

"Watch that lady. She has been standing there for as long as I remember. Still waters hold no treasure that's why ocean flows with unwavering current. Watch her closely she's obsessed with her phone; changing display pictures forever...  smart girls change fortune"
-Matthias Pantaleon, [Act Like A Champion]