I remember that phone call.
Being frozen in my room.
Heard the words,
Felt the pain,
the emotions flooded in.

"He's dead," they said.

My heart sank to my knees.
Every piece of me hurt.
Why him?
Why now?
Why?

I was on thin ice.
Barely walking with out crashing down.
That morning I sat in a church pew,
Praying that this week be the best week every.

That night,
He died.

They don't know why,
They don't know how.
But here I am crying,
Lost without you in this world.

Now it's been a year,
My wounds have since healed.
Maybe they just have gone numb,
I can't seem to feel anything.

Numbness to the world,
I felt to much, now I can't.
No way to feel relief,
If my heart won't let me breathe.

Empty emotions,
But heavy heart.
Makes for a deadly combination,
That has no good result

Your tongue danced across my skin.
I could feel my legs quiver.
I guess you could feel them too because you smiled at me.

I could feel your body press against mine
and your breaths were heavy with excitement,
every contact left a tingling echo.

I could feel everything
and yet, somehow in my heart,
I felt nothing at all.

The cold has abandoned the world
Everyone has come out
Of their houses
Rejoicing
Because the frost has finally melted away
Everyone but me

I couldn’t be warmer if I tried
I have no heat left
I gave it all away

One degree to those people I
Used to hang out with 3 years ago
Who caused me so much turmoil
If I had had the choice
Even then
I wouldn’t have chosen them to be my friends
They were too nice
Too good for me
But they were also horrible
In all the ways I am not
I did not belong with them

One degree of my heat went to
The girls who were always so nice to me
I didn’t have a place
And they took me in
They made me feel secure
Too secure
I felt so secure
That I thought I could leave them
When I really wasn’t strong
enough to ever do that
But there are some things I can never get back

One degree of my heat
Goes to my weird, wonderful friends
The ones whose hearts beat to the same tune as mine
I didn’t leave them
They didn’t leave me
I just realized
There was never enough between us
To even call on of them leaving
Abandonment
I just saw the love
They had for each other
And pretended they had it for me, too
It worked for a bit
But only for a bit

I have no heat left
What degrees of it I had
Have been lost to the storm
The blizzard that chilled
My heart
The snowstorm that cooled
My bones
The frosting that froze
My body
The cold that crept into
My mind

I am a frozen corpse
I have been a frozen corpse
But this is my last season
My last winter
For I have become too cold
Which will push me to finally do it
To finally thaw my frozen corpse
To finally end it all
Then everything will finally be warm

There's nothing in your words,
There's nothing in your rhymes,
Nothing I haven't heard before,
I don't care, I don't care,
I'm numb.

There's nothing you could say
I don't hear every day,
Those stupid talk shows and interviews,
I don't care, I don't care,
I'm numb.

I come home once a week,
And this is all I hear,
It floods me as it always has,
I don't care, I don't care,
I'm numb.

Prejudice and guilt,
Judgement in my ear,
It's my first thought and my last,
I don't care, I don't care,
I'm numb.

There's nothing in your words,
There's nothing in my voice,
There's noise and boys and prayers,
I care, I care,
I'm dumb.

For he with the blonde curls,
Who set you from stone to glass,
For he with greyness and age,
Who set you from virtue to lust,
And for the fathers who warned,
Who set you in a statue of shame,
With his constant looks of disbelieving.

For she with the stars of freckles,
Who set you from glass to shards,
For she with the condensation of coldness,
Who set you on route to loneliness,
And for the mothers who neglected,
Who set you with no comfort,
With no help after the males visited.

For the creaks of floorboards,
Threatening unholy arrival,
For the thousands of bed squeaks,
Helping by gifting distraction,
For the hotel clerks gentle knowing smiles,
For the cheeks I can force upwards,
For the sacred of tears that disappeared with new numbness,
For the child within me who had such urgency to grow up,
And for me...for me.

I smoke until I can feel nothing
Because it is better than feeling everything
That's what it is. Everything
My heart is like my head
A thousand different thoughts, shifting and twisting
Changing, over and over again.
And I feel everything.
Always overwhelming, endless emotions
That never dissipate, but only build
My body is too small to hold all of this
It shouldn't be possible
I'm bone weary
Exhausted,
I'm stuck in a current and I can't get out
Wave after wave after wave and I can't catch my breath
The world is spinning above me
And nothing will still
I feel everything
So I smoke until I can feel nothing

A gaping hole
Straight through the brain
Perfectly cylindrical
Holds no mercy as it rings
Through my body

The gun is still smoking
From the heat of his hatred
Shot right through my brain
Can’t even consume it
The idea that he had done it

Silver bullet through my brain

She held flowers to her chest
as she falls asleep.
She prayed and wished for her death
And the universe sadly granted it.

She started fading away
As she closed her eyes.
All the noises and pain—
It was gone along with her life.

Everyone wondered
As to why she ever did it—
Killing herself with a blade
Leaving her wrist with a slit.

They said she was a sad girl,
The kind of which who always cry.
But none of them ever saw her
With a tear falling from her eye.

They felt sorry for the girl
As they watched her lie.
But she was more beautiful in death
Than she was when she's alive.

A dark pool of people
Was shredding tears on her grave
Little do they know
Of how long she's been so brave.

What is sadness for the mind of madness
It might be odd to bear witness, but the mighty warrior who welds words like weapons
With shield of indifference, will no yield under falling havens
What hurts is that small tinker of needle
Plucked from the rose we touched in haste
What is sadness for the mind of madness
It's saying take care instead of I love you
It's saying goodnight instead of I miss you
It's saying bye instead of stay
But no, we'll not say… will not plead
For the painkiller needs to be kept on the shelf
Not be taken as a meal
A toxic relief, Not something that they need to keep, note to self stitched in skin : keep away
What's happiness to the mind of madness
It's fear nothing else