The words won't spill,
Even though I'm overflowing
Mounting pressure with no reprieve
So many things that need to come out
But instead they fill me until I can't speak

You can never run or hide from your greed
Twisted by your tainted hands of sins
For you are not afraid to rise your sword aimlessly

And mercy never crossed your pitiful mind
As you drown the innocent with their own anguish and blood

You have become someone your hateful soul molded
As you rise from the ashes of your once beautiful life
And destroyed the peace of the world

You have caused sufferings amongst the humankind
The world of people you once loved

Living like a demon
So much darkness
And so much numbness

You have lead your own blood lust world

I was birthed into darkness
An aura inside isn't right

I was constructed from darkness
A broken down youth resurrected as a hopeless adult

I am surrounded by my darkness
A spotlight that is a black hole

I join others
Laugh, connect, smiles all around
I have to distance myself
I hide, I cry, I am rude and ungrateful

I have also felt the need to leave
Flying, soaring, far

They clip my wings
Judge, condemn, shame me for 'not putting myself out there'
I'm trying my hardest

To be happy, to enjoy, to find a purpose
the hate drives me back to my place

I cannot leave and I only see darkness on my horizon

I began my life active with sports and other meaningless award systems.
Girl's recreational soccer, basketball, bike riding, math competitions, the works
Today, I feel weightless
useless would be best fit
As if all the running, jumping, yelling, point requiring statuses pushed the light out of my transitioned life.

I find myself sitting in one area often, as one may do
But different than sitting on a bench or sitting actively in company of others
I sit wondering exactly who I am looking at
Why am I empty lifeless longing towards an imaginary spot in the distant wall
I imagine some events in these minutes of stoic despair
Hearing goes weak and frozen, in this second, while I continue my Sunday brunch with non-conformative attitudes and her mother, the sweet old dementia
I don't mean to have their meetings often, I must of first acquainted as the first grade trauma or the Broadway rendition of Alone Thoughts featuring the Broken High School Years.
I hope to work the wheels again, to end these meetings and to live for once, in the midst of motion and pause.
This time, stopping and starting as I please.

I've grown so accustomed to this numbness.
It spreads through my body
like wildfire
consuming dry skin and chapped lips.
It overtakes all of me, fills my being
from stomach to heart and
eventually my mind.
It begins to feel like brush on the forest floor,
stale and easy to catch
but quick to burn up.

------------------------------------------------------------­---------

Our ship is sinking
so quickly.
Blink and you miss
all the little moments we could have had
that you failed to see.
Your blindness and My complacency
like cannonballs
punching holes in our vessel
and me in the stomach.
You don't even seem to care Captain.
We're patching up a sinking ship with bandages
but it won't stay afloat.

i feel like everything's falling apart,

if i would be in movie, i'm lost and i do
n't know the parts.

the world doesn't make me feel alive anymore,

i can't even feel the beat of my own heart anymore.

i was thrown into a loop of feeling nothing and being nothing,

noise, disturbant noise, is all i could hear

black, pitch black, is all i could see yet i feel no fear,

numbness, is all i could feel, even though my limbs are ripping apart.

no light, no pain, nothing.

and all at once, i feel nothing with the beat of my own heart.

- i know that my heart beating, but i'm barely breathing.