The cold has abandoned the world Everyone has come out Of their houses Rejoicing Because the frost has finally melted away Everyone but me
I couldn’t be warmer if I tried I have no heat left I gave it all away
One degree to those people I Used to hang out with 3 years ago Who caused me so much turmoil If I had had the choice Even then I wouldn’t have chosen them to be my friends They were too nice Too good for me But they were also horrible In all the ways I am not I did not belong with them
One degree of my heat went to The girls who were always so nice to me I didn’t have a place And they took me in They made me feel secure Too secure I felt so secure That I thought I could leave them When I really wasn’t strong enough to ever do that But there are some things I can never get back
One degree of my heat Goes to my weird, wonderful friends The ones whose hearts beat to the same tune as mine I didn’t leave them They didn’t leave me I just realized There was never enough between us To even call on of them leaving Abandonment I just saw the love They had for each other And pretended they had it for me, too It worked for a bit But only for a bit
I have no heat left What degrees of it I had Have been lost to the storm The blizzard that chilled My heart The snowstorm that cooled My bones The frosting that froze My body The cold that crept into My mind
I am a frozen corpse I have been a frozen corpse But this is my last season My last winter For I have become too cold Which will push me to finally do it To finally thaw my frozen corpse To finally end it all Then everything will finally be warm
I can’t Feel anything I sit I blast music in my ears To drown out the sorrow from my brain I can’t stand it The tidal wave of nothing in my head It has settled at the bottom Rising almost all the way to the top Where my only living emotions lie Pain Exhaustion And their friends I want to end it all I have to end it all I can’t end it yet But I wish I could But what’s keeping me from doing it Nothing I have is worth keeping I’m not worth saving I wish I could die It would be better that way For everyone else And me No one will miss me Least of all those close to me I am a scourge to all those around me Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I **** myself? The answer is all to plain to see: I am a coward I’m stuck in my ways I’m passive I can’t even bear to do something Anything That would improve the quality of life For all those around me I don’t have to be here I don’t want to be here I shouldn’t be here So I ask you You over there You You have a knife You have a stick You have something You can do it Do it for the world Do it for yourself Do it for me It would really be a favor for yourself, though Go ahead Rid the world of my shadow Let the spot used to fill me encapsulated in light The world will celebrate my death There will be a national holiday Dedicated to celebrating the lack of me And remembering that I, too, would be celebrating if I could It would have been the only time I could feel joy
I should be reading right now The stack of books in my room glares at me Wondering if I’ll ever deign to bring them to my eyes I hope I will They’re due back to the library in two weeks I’m still only in the first one Which is, frankly, 980 pages long But I’m only halfway through with A person on my tumblr account Read it and the book before it In the week it took for me to read half of the one I have now Not that I’m a slow reader, of course I just have no free time Lucky tumblr user
I should be working right now The director’s script for a documentary I helped produced is due on Monday That’s tomorrow We haven’t even started it yet When I was watching the documentary earlier yesterday I noticed that one of the infographics I spent many days of hard work on That I had changed multiple times for the sake of being included in the final product Was not there I wasn’t even consulted When my hard work was washed all down the drain Not like anyone cares, though It’s not like I’m gonna kick up a fuss Or something Just a little “hey, can we cut this out? We need more space and this information isn’t really necessary anymore.” I would have said “Yes, of course. Anything to help.” But that never happened Now, there’s just work waiting to be done That I don’t want to do
I should be with my friends right now Not like they care about me, though I hate to break it to myself, but they don’t really love me Like I love them Perhaps they see me around sometimes But they won’t go out of their way to meet me They’ll do it for each other, though I’m just an interloper on what they have together I could never hold a candle to what they share We don’t even have classes together Not really I see them with each other more than they are with me I could never have what they have They think I’m insignificant And they’re right When the year is up, they’ll leave me in the dust For each other I’ll try not to be sad But maybe it’ll give me the courage To go home Get something And end it all
I should be writing right now No, not this depressing ******* But actual creativity I have a WIP Keyword: in progress That I’ve had for the past two years I’m so close to finishing it So close But far enough away that I don’t want to try I don’t have the energy for this Maybe I should just give up Nothing I make is worth anything anyway I’ll die young and decrepit No one will remember my name No one will want to Someday, someone may discover this page A shrine to who I am To who I will never be I can’t wait for it to be over
I should be painting right now Even if I’m not very good at it Even if nothing I make is worth anything to anyone But maybe I’ll feel better If I’m surrounded by the things that I’ve created Not happy because I formed something better But because my building blocks were at least in good taste But it’s too cold in my basement It’s too cold in my heart I can’t foster warmth For I Have none myself My work lacks quality
I should be doing something right now Anything to keep the depression away To keep the sadness for nipping at my heels To give me warmth, something to live for To give me happiness, like a warm blanket To give me life To give me energy To give me something But I have nothing And I am nothing Insignificant Worthless I’m just trying to burn time before I start to cry And have to know the pain of being alive Which begs the question Why do I stay at all?
I’ve been cold since December The trees groan and ache in the wind, just like these old bones Passed down from mother to mother Until they finally reached me Do these bones hold art? Do they hold forgotten names? What storms have beheld these stories? Why do they grow cold at the growing shadows?
My home has been cold since December Winter weather penetrates the walls, chilling These Old Bones Where has this cold come from? Why does it seek me to embrace it? But most importantly If I do embrace it, what will happen to me then?
My soul’s been cold since December It knows that it was the month I was born in It knows I shouldn’t have lasted this long It knows these old bones are ready to collapse Why have they waited this long? Who are they waiting for? Who is going to come to collect me? Why have I been born if only to die?
My heart’s been cold since December No, since before that Not even the summer sun can thaw loneliness I have frostbite in my chest What would happen if I just took it out? Could anyone dare to love me then? I’m not asking for much; just asking for a friend Perhaps if I take out my heart, then my wounds may finally heal
My life’s been cold since forever To say it hasn’t been that way for a long time would be to lie It’s not just the winter sun that lacks heat I have nothing left to live for Where would I be if I was worth anything to those around me? Where would I go if everything I touched didn’t wither and die before me? Who would love me if I could be loved? Who could love These old bones?
No one asked for me to be here Least of all myself I know I am unwanted That I am a wrong being I was not made to be loved I’m sorry to all those who have tried I know you think I fall for those smiling eyes Those next to kind words But I know the truth I am insignificant, and you know this to be true I am only a side piece to a true connection People would only miss me Because they feel like they have to Or because they’d tricked themselves into thinking I was worth something That’s not just their problem, though It’s mine How can I expect myself to leave when I will leave so much sadness in my wake Even if it’s not warranted Even if it’s not asked for I’ve already caused so much harm by being here By being wrong But I can’t end things now Because that would make everything worse I know no one truly should care about me But some are too good to see that And try to love me anyway They can’t see that I was born broken I cannot be fixed But I won’t let them know Because I don’t want everyone to know there’s something wrong with me I shouldn’t be here at all I shouldn’t be alive So every night, I ask myself, “Why am I like this?” Why am I alive?
I try to take down my day In a journal. I used to use a Purple book, But that ran out of pages So now I use my goldfish one. It has a hard cover Cerulean blue sea of fabric backing And a goldfish Embroidered on the front. It has a drawing of a Statue of Caligula And an illustration of A Terra Cotta Warrior. But it has so much more. If you flip to the end turn a few pages you’ll get to the start of my second journal. It’s written in black ink Messy handwriting And crunched form. But it’s my own And I treasure it beyond all others