All I need is the rush... the rush of emptiness which used to fill me up, the rush of agony which I used to ache for, which I still somehow ache for. I want to burn, to cry, to hurt; I want to feel empty. The sad thing is, I do not know how to live when happy. This happiness is suffocating, like a noose of positivity is choking me and I cannot escape. Let me plunge into the cold depths of pessimism and swim through glimmers of beauty to which I am blind. Let me be blind to this world I do not belong in. I am just afraid - afraid of losing... this. I am afraid of becoming lost to freezing cold waters as soon as I find comfort in the warmth. *I want to be empty so that the pain doesn't have to take away this incredible fullness.

i wonder if it’d be cold against my neck
or if it’d be hot, or if i’d have to heat it just to be sure.
i wonder if it’d be as comfortable as sleeping,
but nothing’s as comfortable as sleeping:
as dreaming, as breathing, as thinking of being—
as being nonliving and no longer breathing.
so i doubt i’ll ever hang myself because to be fair,
the dead can breathe no air.

undermy stormy eyes
filled with sorrow and pain
standing drenched in tears
falling like silver sheets of metal
like a hawk in the night I'm listening
to the sound of my pounding heart
tasting my own salty tears

pressing my face against my mirror studding
all the possibilities of what was wrong
closed my eyes silently like the shutters
that hung over my bed room windows
then very gently, I took another look
alone in this glass world wanting to scream
but I can't because every wall was easy to break

mind was struggling to escape from this darkness
it felt like a tightened noose around my throat
fighting for air I could feel my body falling
this is madness, insanity, I'm so confused and lost
all I feel is the pain like a fist in my stomach
I just stood there staring at the floor with tears in my eyes
I never thought my heart would break because I guarded is so well

These unspoken words
Are the noose in which
I hang myself with

I know a girl who's hurting,
But you don't see her cry or pout.
In fact, you'd never know it was her
Unless I pointed her out.

She tries so hard to keep on smiling,
To hide her noose and gun.
But inside, I know she's dialing
Her depression's 911.

All that you can see her as
Is happy, skinny, tall.
But long before you knew her,
Her hopes had begun to fall.

There's still some left of what she was.
Independent, Loving, and Strong.
But there's only so much you can do to cope,
When you've been so sad for so long.

You'd never know she cuts herself
For every sorrow she keeps.
You'd never know that every night,
She cries herself to sleep.

You still think she's so happy?
You haven't reached your goal.
Instead of listening to the stories she tells,
Try listening to her soul.

i don't want to look there anymore for fear of the clockwork ****** that i make of my own memory every time i pass that house on Sheridan Circle. it is filled with the ghosts of childhoods well spent but long past and i can't help but think how the rope by which the old swing used to hang looks like a noose, which it may as well be. maybe one day i will swing from it for the last time.

The day of my funeral, I felt guilty and watched as my parents cried.
The day of my funeral, I laughed as I watched my clueless three year old brother fool around with my clueless baby cousins.
The day of my funeral, a watched how dismal the clouds were in the sky.
The day of my funeral, I sighed as my body was carried to the gravesite.
The day of my funeral, I got one last glimpse of the scar on my neck from the noose that killed me.

I walked hallways and corridors that led me to
nowhere but haunting blood scenes
and ***** nooses hanging with emptiness
where the bodies used to be
whispers screaming to be heard from the ceilings
and the corners
like bone edges on her body, ribcage swallowing
the birds up whole,
feathers between the lips
and blood on the fingertips where her hands
once held the carcasses of lost souls

My dear
little
ghost
on a noose,
help me
break
through the
clouds that
drown
the world
and darken
the shadows
beneath
my restless
eyes.