Hey, I guess it's been a while

But thats good

At least for me

I mean, I've been happy

I've been absolutely amazing

But then that changed

Even if it was for a second

And now I realize your still here

You didn't leave you,  just locked yourself in a room waiting to come out

I don't know, I just thought

Well who cares what I thought

Because your back

Now things are starting to pile

Even the small things stack

Well , its finished I feel at peace once more

So I guess its time to shut this door

Well, it was nice talking

Goodbye sadness

the exits that way

Hello happiness come right in

They ask what I am
As if they could draw a map
On my skin
Paved by my color
My hair
And my name

But even I can’t trace the path.
I’m a mutt of people
Lost
In time
And yet I am here.
And I am human.
Is that not enough?

I've excused the abuse,
because by now I'm so used to
being refused
the option to choose
what I gain, what I lose,
or the ways that I'm used.
My body is bruised.
I've pumped myself full of *****.
my hearts beginning to ooze...
I'm so ******* confused.
I'm only ever accused
of the things I cant do,
and I try to defuse
the bomb that you use
but I always run out of time.
This life's a game made to lose.
I really just need to transfuse
all these feelings of feeling used,
and abused, and confused, and targeted as a muse.
But it's like they're all fused
to my ******* broken soul.
my body's constantly shaking,
I'm unable to hold
onto anything worth taking.
"You're unloved because you're cold.".
I'm not trying to push you away...
I swear my heart's made of gold...
And yet, here I am
unmoved, unimproved
still not doing what I was told.

Trust me.
I'm no longer dying.
I'm fine because,
I'm no longer trying.
I mean I am.
Trying to be better, I mean.
I'm improving even if,
Sometimes I careen,
Towards the edge and,
I fill you with fright.
Sometimes I'm dramatic,
But really I'm alright.
Except when I'm not.
When I pick the scab open,
Then I really just need,
Something to hope in.
Scratch that, I'm all talk.
I'm just looking for attention,
I'm sorry I'm so childish.
I really shouldn't mention,
Things like that,
Moments that hurt.
It was selfish of me,
To put you on alert.
I'm fine.
Except when I'm not.
When I overanalyze,
And I drown in thought.
I don't need you to coddle me.
That's not your responsibility.
But I wouldn't mind it.
I'm a little lacking in stability.
Just forget it actually.
I don't mean to keep up this game,
Of cat and mouse, it's silly.
Frankly it fills me with shame.
I don't want to be needy,
I don't want to have needs.
I don't want to be anymore,
Don't indulge me, it only leads,
To me telling you things.
Things that seem much worse,
Than I mean them to.
Confessions that I rehearse.
Thoughts that repeat in my head.
Try to stop them, don't know how.
But they're just thoughts.
So I'll stop scaring you now.
I swear I'm okay.
Except when I'm not.
When the world is crumbling,
Every inch of me is pulled taut.
When it never stops raining,
I'm drenched to my soul.
I shake violently and can't stop,
Nothing can fill this endless hole.
I've given up on hoping,
And I can't describe how I feel,
I know that I'm in agony but,
I don't even know if the pain is real.
.
.
.
Hey I'm sorry.
Sorry for all of it.
In fact I never stop,
Being sorry for sins I commit,
For getting lost and falling short.
Point is, what I'm trying to say,
Is that I'm better now.
But trying is the part giving it away.
Because I can't seem to say,
I'm doing just fine,
Because I can never be sure,
Because I walk a fine line.
In the end I can't tell you,
What's up and what's down.
If a girl keeps crying suicide,
She looses the trust of her town.

I'm laying in my bed
and yet,
I can feel the waves of the ocean.

I'm sitting safely in his car
but it feels like
I'm a passenger on a crashing plane.

I'm standing in my front yard
and even though I recognize the scene,
I'm in a whole new world.

I'm talking to you like everything is okay,
and you think you know who you're standing with,
But this person you see before you
is no longer me.

I'm no longer happy.
I'm sad to say that now
I can't look at a mirror
without coming face to face with a stranger.

I want to get better,
but things are getting bad again.
and I don't think that I can do it by myself...

But I know you're still here.
And because you're still here,
because you haven't left me like the others,
I know that I don't have to.

Not quite white
Not quite latino
Not quite anything

Too dark to be white
Too light to be latino
Too mixed to be anything

Not quite that language
Not quite that accent
Not quite anything

Too feminine for this
Too masculine for that
Too mixed to be anything

Not quite this thing
Not quite that thing
Not quite anything

Someone must have taken a spatula and stirred me,
feelings that were discrete are now perfectly mixed together,
popped into an oven, preheated,
and maybe its okay I don't remember the ingredients or recipe,
as long we enjoy whatever comes out the oven,
perhaps even together.