douse my beehive mind
in liquid amphetamines
to steady the blurry split screens
of multi-tabbed greyhound speed
barking madly at stalking shadows
fallen from my heels
jolting me out of my skin.

throw a rope ladder down
into the entrapment basement
resident stage to the passive aggressive
clinking cutlery orchestra
conducting butter knife cutting taunts
torturing my melted butter split aura.

hanging on to the edge of a chair
inside my chest where every breath
echoes the beat of a marching band
& trembling hands stand
on melting ice as they somersault
in the winter solstice
frozen from cavity vault to my face.
              
i look to see through sleeps eyes
where the mercury penny drops
under arrow pierced apples
in shade dripping with nights clarity
on a melted sea beneath
the flowing eastern wind
blowing the misty uncertainty to smithereens.

neuron explosions sketch constellations
out of flame infused
squeezed citrus peels
as sparks dance
where beasts of land, air & sea
collide in dotted starry symbols
drawing borders across synchronicity.

my rubber soles are worn thin
while stones fill the insides
but rubber-band wings stretched wide
bending tides & mountains appear as molehills
from weightless vapor heights dissolving the sky.

i seek the calm of crocodile waters
where i can stretch my legs
on fertile silt riverbeds
& soak in the golden sunshine smile
washing down in spectacular arrays
of scepter conjured waves.

open the gates to my airborne castle
where hope finds ****** interpretations
along the path to eternal symposiums
i'm lead to Jericho's jenga answers.

Flowers bloom
The sun shines bright
The outside seems alright

But you're there
All bottled up inside

Storms don't last
But yours felt like
Clouds of dust following you
All year round

All you wanted was to shine
But all you see is their squinting eyes
So you stayed behind
Waiting for the crowd to be kind

So you wished
If there was another universe
Where your feet wasn't chained to the ground

You started your first day
Thinking of new beginning
But you stayed inside your head
And ended up running
"Maybe I couldn't"

Strangers and friends
Didn't differ that much
Gone faster than the wind
They wouldn't look back

All pray for sunny rays
But the sunny days have
gone
a--way
lead astray smokey grey just to say
good--bye
Yeah,
I must have blazed a few back in my
Hey--day
But the skies still blue turns a different hue
but only on May--
Days
Well.,
I guess that's the reason why the meaning of life
Or at least for me?
is so
un--substantial even tho some-times we fold
but don't forget_ to line it with hope
Or maybe much so?
that our minds are now frac--
tured
So..
Don't tread on my mi-cro frac--
tions
( As I would often say )
Seeing that mines are both split / in personalities of my current
Reality?
Yo.,
But that's just a very small frac--
shun
in this type of  re--
ac-
            tion

I don’t want to feel this way.
Lost in my own head,
A fog of pain and confusion,
A storm of heartache and void.

I believe there is more than this.
There is sunshine
And hope, my dreams,
My future
And love.

I don’t want to feel this way
Because it makes it so hard to move,
It becomes impossible to smile
To think
To breathe.

I know this is temporary
That darkness is followed by the dawn
Or a flick of the light switch
Or the flash of a torch
Hell, I’ll even take the spark of a match

Because I don’t deserve to feel this way
And I refuse to
Even if I can only fight it off for today
Or the afternoon
Or an hour
Or a minute

That moment will be mine
I am not going to let this beat me
Because I still have strength to fight.

I don’t want to feel this way.
I don’t want to have to fight to stay.
I don’t want to hurt those I love
I don’t want to lose myself.

But I don’t get to have what I want
So fight I must
And even if it's just for today,
Right now,
I choose to stay.

It’s been a while…
It truly has been a while since I’ve written here, but yesterday I was triggered, inspired if you will; inspired to write this and let it be real.
When I was a child, 2nd grade to be exact, I befriended a ******* the school bus and long story short she spent my entire 2nd grade year manipulating me into all kinds of ****** acts not only with her but with other classmates. I was told by this girl, my classmate, another child, a second grader that everything we were doing was okay, it was all okay. Why?? Because her and her sisters did this kind of thing all the time.
To me as a child it made sense I guess, but she also threatened that if I ever told anyone as in ANYONE she would tell them it was all my fault all my idea. All of the staying in classrooms when no one was there, hiding and being told to do things that were beyond a child’s or even some adult’s comprehension, the hiding anywhere and everywhere and the fear of being caught it all was in my hands, and if i told I was to blame.
This went on for an entire year, or so who knows I blacked it out, but I vividly remember using a journal I got as gift to document it all detailed and when I got scared my mom would find it… I ripped the pages to shreds. And I killed the memory. I went my entire life until 19 years old that I realized it was never a dream.
It was real.
The point of this all is during a deep discussion With my best friend, I expressed to her the moment after all these years that remembered the girls name.
I told her one day my mom found a different journal I wrote in as a child, she found it a couple years ago and I was intrigued so I flipped to a random page… and on that page it was a prompt that asked my favorite and least favorite things about school.
My least favorite thing about school is: J**h .
There it was!!! Her name .
I told my best friend her name and seeing as though after I left the school district she stayed, we recalled the girl and how I can’t see her face in my mind but she knew she had a twin sister and they left the district after 2nd or 3rd grade and they came back in middle school. However by middle school I had transferred schools.

Long story short it shock my entire being that I missed this encountering this girl again . And I will never know her face or why she chose me but all I know is she was just the beginning of my trauma.

Sometimes-
I feel too much.

Sometimes-
I feel nothing at all.

I’m sick of the sads,
The come and go blues,
Tired of depression,
It’s becoming old news.

I’ve got the melancholy
Lodged deep in my bones.
It follows me everywhere,
So I hide all alone.

I’m exhausted of existence
That demands my great strength.
I’m out of ignition
And my apathy stretches at length.

This pattern starts at the beginning of October.
It stays through the winter,
I am like the weather,
Cold, gray, and bitter.

I’m sick of the sads,
These come and go blues,
The yearly cycle of moods,
I keep falling for the ruse.

I am sick of the sads,
Tired of depression,
Clinging to my sanity
Through its brutal oppression.

I am sick of the sads
That make it difficult to respire.
I pray for the end,
Lest my body simply expire.

The come and go blues
Have ruined my desire
For anything else.
I am consumed by my internal Hell’s fire.

I am sick of the sads,
These come and go blues.
By the time spring arrives,
I’ll be battered and bruised.

I’m sick of the sads.
Someone liberate me.
Send help on high horses,
Or sad is all I will be.

Brother, sister, my heart breaks for thee. Walking alone along this painful pathway, through a world engulfed in tragedy.
Torrential rain, endless pain, every day on this journey we are given.
Some never find hope, while others go emotionally broke.
Such anger and lust, flowing from so many of us.
A ragged road keeps pulling us along, no matter how many times we may fall.
Some do not get up at all.
Lost, alone, halfway insane.
Forgive us for falling, it is not our own doing.
It is this cold, cruel world, hurting and brooding.

My problem is I don't actually know what love is or how to properly "love" someone. I think I do... but love in my head is so ******* up.
Little things I saw throughout my life tell me love only hurts in the end...
-Nights without *** are nights filled with fighting
-Skipping over the "I love you" means they are lying
-Phones staying locked means their is someone else
How do I know these aren't true?
"Love" has only left people broken. Am I wrong?

Things that are "good" for me always end up hurting me... How is love any different?

Funny thing is I do love... I love people...

I allow myself to fight this terrifying thing in my brain for the hope that it won't hurt me like I have seen my entire life?
Will me loving leave me even more broken then me never loving or will I be shown love is a good thing?

Maybe I'll look past the little things. maybe the little things will show me how to properly love.

Or, am I just a coward?

I've never doubted my own version of love...
Maybe I guard myself to much from other peoples versions of love.

-Why is love so painful and confusing?
-Why do I always think they are lying to me?
-Why do I think I am a short-term escape from people?

Is this what "love" does to people?

Will I always be loved as I saw my parents love? Will I learn that my past has changed? Will I always be seen as the girl who didn't know what she was doing and love-able for a short time?

Is it sad I'm in my 20's and still want the fairytale ending?

I have so many questions.