This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Withdrawal
Side effects
Before any of it will improve

I can live in darkness
Let my neurochemistry be
Cold, sad, anxious
Craving death to escape
Anything at all to escape...

Or, I can take more pills
Feel nothing at all
Just be low
Want to sleep
Too numb to care
So distant they all notice

But why... why is it looking
Like there’s no medium for me
I don’t get to be happy
Happiness is a lie
It’s a fantasy
A fable
So we hold out hope
That life will get better
Even as we watch ourselves burning
Our fortresses crumbling
Gardens wilting
Bodies dying
...

Things only get worse
But that bizarre human hope
It pushes us onward
To believe in better days
Though it would seem
That kind of hope
Has fled from me

My hands are shaking
My heart is picking up speed
It could be situational
It could be anxiety
It could be side effects
It could be withdrawal
It could be anything tbh
But I’m really messed up
So I suppose
I’ll pop a few more pills
I can still take three more today...

Tbh... I don’t even mind the pills
I’ll take whatever you give me
And maybe a little more
I just want to feel okay
And if they can give me that
****... I’ll swallow the entire bottle

I just took so many drugs
I hope they make me ill
I hope they make me sleep
Just... just let me drift away
I’ll be someone else
She said I could take another...
Why do want to keep taking more...

I feel like I’m playing a game
Of antidepressant roulette
Maybe this
No that
A little more
Will this one work??
Um... try three...?
Oh and btw,
They might make you wanna die
Ya know... more than you already do
Spin the wheel
Which is it this month?
I’m sick of playing games
I sick of taking drugs
This is what I get
For being honest with my doctor

I don’t need this medication
It’s not helpful
But man... I keep wanting to take it...
Every night it’s like a treat...
Swallow the clonidine
Then very very soon...
Sleepiness sets in
Getting drowsy....
Mind... drifting....
Until sleep.... sleep saves me
My rescue from the pain
It’s a good medication
I don’t need it
But I really really like it....

Have you ever heard of medication induced bipolar.
Three years of complete insanity.
None of it was me. It wasnt me. It never came from me.
I sit on the same couch hallucination free. Such ******* clarity. It all makes sense. I was never paranoid, the medication was paranoid. I could scream till my lungs collapse "IT WASNT ME. NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT. I WASNT MYSELF"
I was loaded with antipsychotics that made me psychotic.
The second I made my environment safe and came off the prescriptions it all went away.
It was never me.
I wasnt myself.
It wasnt my fault.
I dont have to blame me.
All of it was drugs and environment.
I was grieving the death of my first love and I was ***** in my own home where I thought I was safe. I snapped and I thought it was my fault. It wasnt insanity it was a normal human response to trauma and grief. I was just a person hit with some painful events. I was just a human brain trying desperately to cope with my reality. I didnt **** my relationship, I wasnt crazy, it wasnt me, I didn't do it. It was never me.