I had to cut you off
not from my life
but from the way you use me,
as your drug
your medication
your therapist
your twelve-step program
because your process of healing,
has become your addiction


©L.F.

Your hands are the bandages,
And your look is the antidepressant.

Your words are my therapy,
Your smile is my charity.

Your laugh is my prescription,
Your touch is my injection.

Your stare is my remedy,
Your love is my recovery.

i can’t peer inside my brain to check
whether my neurotransmitters make the long jump
or simply retreat back home.
but the dizziness, nausea, and exhaustion
tell me what i need to know.
i want to live in the moment.
i want to taste joy on my tongue,
not oval-shaped white chalk,
the clinical blandness of a waiting room.
i want the uncontrollable racing of my heart
and the shaking of my hands
to happen when someone gives me butterflies in my stomach,
not when the prescription isn’t strong enough.
$28.35 and a few pitying looks
are not a bad trade-off for all the answers.
or so i thought.
but this plastic bottle holds no answers,
only the capsulated remains of who i failed to be.
maybe i am my own inhibitor.
is there someone who can tell me,
before i swallow the next one down—  
where do i end?
and where do the pills begin?
are my thoughts even mine at all,
anymore?

You know I feel like ****
Not complete **** just ****
I also know it's my fault
Slowing down on my meds
Not stopping
Just taking less than perscribed
I do it to stay focused
It's either Focused and depressed
Or happy and all over the place
People like me more focused
I'm less annoying
I'm more bearable
But more depressed
Luckily
Sadly
Thankfully
They can't see that part
It's this or Happy
But then I can't focus
I get bad grades
I annoy and **** people off
People don't like me
The only person who does is me
But why
Why do the drugs have to be 1 or the other
They cancel each other out
So it's focused or depressed
Or a little of both
I feel like I should be more focused during Lancers [marching band]
But then I'm more depressed
And while I feel like ****
I also feel that
I Deserve It
I am a better person while depressed
I can help those in the same situation better
I can help others more
If I'm happy
It is Not fair
I feel like a failure to those I've told about my mental health
I told them I'm depressed but then I'm not
Am I a liar?
Am I a failure?
...
Well that one's easy of course
I'm a failure either way.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy
....
I feel like a liar
A ******* discrase
Who am I to say I have depression when I'm happy?
It's not fair
What about all those who don't feel the way I do with the same past
When They are on drugs
What if they can't get those drugs?
How's that ******* fair?
How?

I want to live
But if I live, I hurt
If I hurt do I deserve to live?
They only care for you when you say your going to **** yourself
What about if you aren't there Yet
At THAT moment
Then what are you?
Invisible....

And why are there so many of us so ******* depressed?
Just stop it please
Give me the pain of everyone and let me suffer by not killing myself
But suffering with it while alive
To eliminate everyones depression
It NEEDS TO END...
Please
Just stop

But not for me
For everyone else

When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
...

..


..
­
..


.
what do I do

Gambling, gambling with my life
Rolling dice to leave the knife
Medication comes and goes
What will work, well no one knows
Round and round and round I spin
Playing games no one can win
Getting dizzy till I fall
Wondering how to stand at all
Lock me in this place at night
Make me swear that you are right
Let me out to see the sun
Just to find it’s not the one
Throw me back into your jail
Wait until you post the bail
To see that it’s much to high
When can I just say goodbye
Make me swear these oaths of peace
Even though this pain won’t cease
Just to let yourself get sleep
While I lie awake and weep
Watch the sun rise bright blood red
Giving light to what I dread
There is nowhere left to hide
When my head and heart collide
So I struggle in this strife
Gambling, gambling with my life

You say these pills will help me
But you don’t know just how
You say these pills will save me
But I don’t trust you now
How could you call it saving
When I still feel I’m dying
I know you want to help
But I can tell you’re lying
And I lie here bleeding out
Bleeding drops of hope
You plead just one more pill
One more pill and I can cope

I held on for one more pill
Then more and more and more
Now I don’t see how pills
Could change what’s in my core
Each pill comes with its own
Plethora of pains
You don’t know the torment
Of erosion in your brain
I just want you to know
It’s so hard to be strong
You swore these pills would work by now
It kills me that you’re wrong