i thought
i only wanted assurance
then you told me
a relationship wasn’t your priority

i didn’t know
i would get what i asked for
but it was an assurance
of goodbye

a.g

Beneath the embrace of our hands, ran a silver lining;
We walked along it, purposefully.
A gloomy late afternoon, a half-lit street;
We passed by dainty shops that seemed strangely uninteresting.
The dying afterglow of a summer spent together in New York,
summed up in a nervous kiss and a flurry of downward glances
— you’re leaving.

before I realized
you were gone
life was worth
more then ever
now you left
leaving me dead
a person I once was

Pretending to know,
Pretending to be one of them...

One of the group,
Belonging to a people,
Yet no matter what,
Somehow,
I end up on the outside...

Expected to know so much,
Yet knowing so little,
So naive, so foolish,
Feeling little connection,
Yet so strong.

Being on the outside all my life,
Wanting to find a place I belong,
Yet when I think I find it,
I am cast out,
Thrown from all I then know,
And tossed to yet another empty road,
Eventually picked up out of pity,
Or drifting to people after the loneliness is unbearable.

The bonds once so strong,
Yet faded so easily,
On one end;
Never mine...

So desperately I hold on,
Trying to come back,
Yet, they never want me back...

Once an outcast,
Always an outcast,
Once a reject of society,
Always a reject of society.

Never again will they talk to me;
Not unless it is to turn me away,
Never again will they see me over;
Not unless they are so desperate,
So needing for company,
And all else turn away but I...

So long I have tried to find my place,
Yet never have I truly fit anywhere...
Will I ever be at rest?
No, I suppose not,
Considering that none stay for long,
No matter how long I've known them,
No matter if I give them gifts,
No matter if I try to talk to them,
No matter if I try to be the person they want me to be...
Because no matter how much I try,
I can never be that person they want me to be,
Or even me...

- Jay M
April 1st, 2019

I was wondering if after all
I've done to you,
You left me alone in the darkness side
Full of agony and suffering
The shimmering lights
You bestowed upon
Now, just a memoir in the past
I couldn't ponder, why-------
Why we end up in here?
I can't let you go
Until now, my heart keep chanting your name so loud
I've didn't done wrong
I don't broke the promise we bind
In the first place, you know
No words that can described,
How much I love you?
I'm going to be insane
Thinking, how I can fix everything?
I miss you **** much!
Please came back my dear!
Light me up.
Free me from this pain.

Read the words I said
Not one word back
Is this what we have become?  
Me chasing after you for affection.  
Affection you won't give.  
You read my words
Nothing said back
I didn't notice at first since you ignore me for hours
Hours turned into days
Where did you go.  
Read the words I said
And ran away
I guess you didn't love me anyway.

dear stranger
why?
why did you have to go away?
it’s too soon
i thought i had more time
and now all i have is memories to keep me warm in the cold rain
you protected me
and know without your shield i am on my knees
i am overcome with grief
and i need you now more than ever
there are still memories to be made
good times to be had
and yet they don’t feel the same
without you
and maybe once the sun comes out
i’ll see you again
i’ll hold onto you
and i’ll never let go
but until then i will be haunted by you
i can feel the weight of your absence every time i know exactly what you would say
every time i write, sing, act, strum my ukulele, or even speak
i feel your ghost
your loss lays heavy on me like your arm around my shoulders
i guess all i can say is
i miss you like hell burns