I have memorised her touch,
Some people ‘aww’ when I say that
But do they know why?
I do it so when she leaves im prepared to never see her again

So the sting hurts a little less as the truth slips down my wrists
So when the snake bites me i dont ask why it did what was natural

I am used to people leaving
Why should she be any different
So i will memorise her touch so when i die ,
She is still with me.

My root country hits number 1 in poverty
My adopted land feeds on misogyny
I worry -
Will anyone fancy me?

Emitting excessive carbon dioxide
We overhear yet choose to hide
Can’t utter the word genocide.

I’m terrified.
Never mind the political divide
I'm just spiralling - my job's rather boring and public speaking is frightening.

Also, the US’s worryingly embarrassing
Ukraine can’t seem to win and Yemen’s endlessly starving
It’s wildly concerning -
the acne growing on my skin.

As for my third country, we defy regularly
the French are praised for protesting
‘Collective dispute for systemic integrity.’

It all sounds empowering -
but I gained 10 kilos and it’s dismorphing.

I feel like i am the worst daughter,
The first time I smiled in years was after my dad went to prison…
I feel terrible, because I didn’t cry for months.
I still remember the look on his face when the police took him from me..
His beard wasn’t short but wasn’t long, and it was red with some gray..
His eyes had this look in them like he was upset I had to see him like that.
They just gave me the silent apology that his voice couldn’t.
His eyebrows were slightly raised like he didn’t know how I would react.
He seemed like he was surprised and hurt.
Surprised I didn’t react or cry,
Hurt I didn’t try to stop them from taking him.
I walked away without even looking back.
What kind of child does that?
Just walks away from the person they loved the most?
The person who was their whole world.
It made me feel so horrible, I stopped eating.
I wouldn’t eat much for months until I met my new parents,
I still felt like a terrible daughter and thought nobody would ever love me again.
All the people I met just kept proving that to me,
Everyone but them

I want to say thank you.
If you didn’t leave me, I wouldn’t be here now.
But I don't know if I can mean it.
Some said you did your best, but did you really?
You could’ve stopped the drugs, gone to rehab
But did you? No you did not.
I try not to be angry with you, but you made it difficult
I know you say you changed, but you’ve said that before.
I can’t help but be angry
You left me and I thought I forgave you, but maybe I truly can't.
I do love you but i dont know if I can call you my father…
Chris has been more of a dad to me in these 4 years than you were for most of my life.
I know, we had good years, but we had more bad.
You were my best friend, but I wasn’t yours.
I know you loved me but you had a horrible way of showing it.
You made me feel undervalued and unappreciated.
Even when you get out, I might have to say bye for a while.
I thought I could see you again, but I’ve worked so hard for myself.
Seeing you will make me go backwards again.
It’ll bring back all the memories
I know the effect it’ll have on me
The effect it will have on those around me.
If I see you again, I’ll start being angry at home.
I can't explain it but I know it’ll happen.
I might get depressed, and I can’t afford to do that again.
Every time you left me, it got easier to say goodbye.
I couldn’t physically cry after a while.
I was left to comfort your ex while she balled her eyes out and used your drugs.
I wish I could forgive you
I wish I could thank you,
But I can’t mean it.

i bet you’re on the pills again
cuz you’re still missing me
and your girlfriend she ended it
so how are you supposed to sleep

yeah i bet you’re on the pills again
your pain cuts so deep
tequila can’t fill the cuts
they’re everywhere you leave

i hope your daddy’s done hating you
i don’t know cuz he knows and won’t save you
explains how f-ed up you came to be
explains the ways you treated me

you’ve been sick and i fell for it
i’ve loved the sick since i could breath
thinking maybe i could save you
how hilarious of me
and i’m sick for kind of loving it
the way that you needed me
cuz the sick can be contagious
and you were contagious to me
i bet you’re on the pills again

T'was the night before Christmas
The kids were in bed
Dreaming of Santa
All dressed up in red

The wife was upstairs
Wrapping gifts in our room
I was watching old Scrooge
In old London gloom

when out of the blue
there was a knock at the door
I leapt from the couch
and i slipped on the floor

i answered the knock
i still got there quick
and to my surprise
there stood St. Nick

"Please, sir I pray"
"may I enter through here"
"My stomach is churning"
"an explosion is near"

I pointed the way
first door on the right
Santa went off
To relieve himself right

My wife came downstairs
She asked 'bout the knock
I said go upstairs
She'd think my tale was a crock

The bathroom door opened
Santa came out
Then he told me the tale
Of what this all was about

"All of these houses"
"with warm milk and cookies"
"get my gut growling"
"like a room full of wookies"

"Soy, two percent"
"almond and skim"
"all mixed together"
"the result is quite grim"

"It started to churn"
"and I was getting quite frantic"
"I was just coming in"
"from above the Atlantic"

"Most years it's fine"
"But, this soy...never try it"
"it should really be banned"
"not put in one's diet"

"Do you mind if I sit"
"for a while just in case"
"I've got more houses to hit"
"And it will be a race"

My wife stood quite still
In fact she'd not said a word
Imagine your toliet downstairs
Home to dear Santa's ****

I offered a drink
Something to settle him down
He said thanks, but begged off
And he gave a slight frown

"I've got to get going"
"Time stops just so long"
"Thanks for your help"
"It could have all gone so wrong"

He filled up our stockings
He called his reindeer by name
"I'll bypass the chimney
and I'll leave as I came"

I looked at my wife
We both said "oh well"
I mean when you take it all in
Just who could we tell?

So, in future please listen
take a second and think
It could end up quite bad
don't leave him soy milk to drink

You don’t know how much your words and actions broke me,
how they cut deeper than any scar could.

You never cared how I bled inside, only how it fit your story.
After every fight, you act like it never happened,
like to you didn’t rip me apart, like I’m not shaken from your storm.

But I am.
I am broken.

I hate you.
not the childish way, but the way carved from survival, from needing to protect a fragile heart you never learned to hold gently.

When you truly show me love, I don’t know what to do. It feels awkward, strange, like a trap, because your love always came with a cost.
I watch others, friends with mothers who smile without storms, who hug without fear, who speak without swords. and my heart aches, tightens with jealousy.

Why can’t I have that?
It’s not fair.

Every conversation with you
is like walking on glass. one wrong step and everything shatters.
I shrink,
scared of the woman who should have been my safe place.
The scars you left inside me are not healing
And I don’t think they ever will.