I stand, move,
dance, cry,
balance, love and
celebrate
inside INTERNAL world
with purpose...
to reflect outward
thusly
my EXTERNAL world changes
to whisper
IN grand song.

Everything’s crashing down on me,
Breaking
Sometimes softly but
I can still feel it,
I breathe it in and out
Everyday,
While I’m still not understanding
What am I supposed to do with it,
I don’t feel like coping,
I don’t feel like writing
And I don’t want to tell.

Everything’s spinning around in circles in my head
And it’s a dark place where the light still exists anyway,
They say I see in black and white,
Without reason for the black while I don’t get why there’s any light,
Because it only sends me into darkness.

Am I supposed to make this
Beautiful?
I feel like I need a rest,
I feel like I want to hide from everything that could evoke a potential thought.
Maybe they are winning, I don’t feel like I am.

Wasting, running out of people to leave me,
I don’t want anymore.
And even those I love make me selfishly feel sad,
All because I know I should be happy for them,
What if they become as messed up as me one day?
I think my soul will fade away.

You have every right to desire it            
             You are selfish for accepting it
Let them take care of you                        
               They should not be bothered
It's okay to be vulnerable                        
                  Dependence is for the weak
Life did not go easy on you                     
               Stop fussing over everything
You are doing the best you can              
               You are nothing but a failure
Be kind to yourself                                   
                                  S-u-c-k it up loser

09/01/2019

I wish you could
Get back to me
As I always admired
you to be

I wish you could
Act in my favour
And defeat my ego
Which says he's a liar

I wish you could
Understand me better
If I am immature
You could apply your wit

I wish you could
Be the person of my dreams
But my past encounters
Doesn't let me follow that stream

I’m folded up
Paper thin
So pretty to see
But delicate, frail
Until you fold me up
Into what you want me to be
Again, and again

Its voice in my head is almost silent
I have pushed it back so far,
I barely hear its weeping
The tell tale sting in my eye
The congestion starting now
I try to push it back again
But this time i went to far
Bottled monsters dont want to stay
Cramped and shoved all the way in
They want out
But i want them in!
I struggle to keep them back
As my defense weaks they grow stronger
Waiting for a chance to erupt out of me
Like fire from a dragon's mouth
Lava from a volcano
First one breaks free
Then another
And before I know it
Im a screaming, crying
Snotting, Stomping,
And then it stops.
The calm in the storm i Calm down reevaluate
    Breath deeply
And its gone im fine!
I was always fine
You told me i was fine didnt you?
You always were there for me werent you
You were there when it happened
You did not leave me did you
You told me to let them out didnt you??
You would NEVER allow me to hurt my self this way!
Would you?
You love me right?
Yeah i know i love you too.