How many times will I wash my face to feel satisfied with the work Ive put in?
How many mirrors will I have to look in until I’m comfortable in my own skin?
Will the weight of the world be lifted off if I start at the gym?
Are all the troubles I face, a reflection of the **** that I am?
Or no, are they just here? a constant reminder that if I interfere, I’ll just be more tired, more full of what I will fear, if I lose control of stopping....

I’m exhausted from keeping up with the person I am trying to be
Hiding my true self from all my friends and family
I just want to be understood
But at the same time I’m scared
What if I show myself and people don’t care
I don’t want any more people to leave me
I just need some more stability
I know they say family is here no matter what
I can’t help feeling like there’s a but
What if I suddenly be myself
And end up scaring off everyone else
Will they say I’m just being fake
Or will they accept me and we’ll embrace
I just want someone to understand
I don’t want to keep up with this person I’ve been living as
It’s hard to let go of my insecurities
And telling myself I should try and be free

Aim to be the person
you dreamed you'd be as a child
in spite of the world crushing your dreams.

One, two, three, four, the digits increment daily
Makes me fearfully wonder which number I am of the  many
I know boys like you are proud of their body count
Every casualty places you a rank higher, nearly twenty

It's the triumph of your manhood, the cause of others' envy
You think back fondly on these memories and leave me feeling empty
Every reaped ****** pinned on your chest in the form of a medallion
While every story of your victory encourages me to be petty

A wound in my chest where your bullet had pierced through
And a tally of scars on my skin for the times I've missed you
From when I so foolishly gave you my untainted heart
You were my one and only, and I dared expect to be yours too

The image of countless women wrapped around your body
These haunting thoughts racing through my head endlessly  
You smirk and brag like you're the golden saint of filth
Your pride making me regret and ashamed that you're my one and only

Your wealth in experience highlighting your superiority
I hate how you carelessly point out my inferiority
When you dodge the question "are you pleased?"
As I desperately pray for a change to make me  equally worthy

I almost crave the same attention that you received
To feel accomplished for once and to feel relieved
For you say to I'm good enough rather than turn away
For, to be your best, to be special is all I want to have achieved

They are ******* it- "Them", the lifeless forms
Right out of me - every sliver of contentment;
I feel it leaving me : soul departing a body
Leaving me- the shell of my being.

From my bedroom, I see the slice of life
Pretty blue skies, birds and evergreen trees.
I see  my dusted friends by the bed
As "They" perfuse me with their darkness.

My four white walls bear silent witnesses,
But my angel- she stands guard patiently-
Patiently waits as I drown myself in the noises;
Hoping to drive away the dark with the loud raps.

But then "They" last only for so long;
As the goings get tough, I repeat that over-n-over --
Looking for the exit route. I just need to last
Until "They" tire out for today.
For then, that would be my win for the day.

three classes to teach
5 hours a week
I forgot the due date again
is it this week or last week
if this one time I can pretend
a student with blushing cheeks
giggled so blatantly as if
the slides I made was some of childhood worth of joke
look! I won't give you a rotten apple I had
from my graduation day
I stucked my teeth there
I can feel the pain still
long from the first day my braces just got tighten
in high school, I put coins in my uniform
the grey skirt that got me wondered
how their pocket got stitched and mine didn't
my grey skirt was the one with a pocket each side
like an elephant floppy ears sticked out
I wonder and I lay down on my single bed

Slash up from my lips
To make a perfect smile
Iron my stomach flat
I haven't felt this good in a while!

Bleed out my thighs
So they won't be so thick
Pull my hair until it's straight
I think I'm almost perfect!

Maybe I'll break my nose
So it can be a little smaller
Why, this is so much easier
Than paying a thousand dollars!

I think next I'll carve out
All of my scars and impurities
Now I believe that's all it takes
For you to see a beautiful version of me

Every time I leave the place
I think if it’s the last time mum
If I may not make it back at all
Or you may not desire my return
Every time I cuddle up to you at night
I wonder whether in future the bed would be cold
If my heart would know my soul
If my feet would ever be warm
I wonder if I’d have a place at all
Every time I eat meals with you
I try to cherish every bite, remember the taste
For I may never get the chance
Once you know the waste I am
Every time we talk alone
I put a little of me out for you intensely
But pull back a whole lot in, out of scrutiny
I soften the eventual heartbreak I think
Every moment we drift apart
I tell you I love you
Coz if it’s a goodbye, or the beginning of one for good
We would have some memory
Laced with love, fear, and pain for me
For you, with regret, anger, and love maybe
I wonder how the goodbye would be
Will you still love me
Will you still be proud of me
Will you speak with me, or of me
If not, will you let me off easily
If I live, how good would it be
 
Every time you caress me dad
I wonder who you think I am
Who the person is you shower your love on
Who the person is you speak of so proudly
Who the person is, instilling doubt in me
Mocking my existence
Questioning my worth every second
Would you love me, no matter the identity
Every time you bring treats for me
I wonder if you would let my love materialize
If I would get my chance to hold you
To be the one to create fragments of joy for you
If I would still be welcomed at your place
If your arms would still be my niche
And not represent the shackles
I sometimes imagine them to be
Does it make me bad, papa
To even imagine you as villain
Far from the hero you used to be
Every time a father and daughter fill my screen
I wonder if we’d have a happy ending
If I would be allowed to love, and to live
Or traditions would eat me up, inch by inch
I wonder how the goodbye would be
If you’ll regret my existence
Or simply forget me
Well you may forgive me
And continue to love me
I hope you stand up for me
When the society stands against me
I hope you still hold your head up high
When there may not seem to be any reason, but me
Proud of the me I will be, the me I am, and the one I used to be
In case you don’t, let the goodbye be gentle
I may still have somewhere to be
Where deafening silence would prevail, of peace and clarity
Occasionally disturbed by small cries of a beautiful destiny
 
The walls I built around to keep me safe
Don’t promise the things I sometimes crave
I look through the window, the knowns and unknowns
And at times I can feel the life surge closely
The hugs, the smiles, and the experiences go right to my core
Trespassing all the atoms of the bricks, holding promise of more
But I wish nothing breaks these walls
The trade-off of love and safety, I can never knock off
Can’t drop it in favor of love, when I know what it costs
Helpless gamble for me and love
I wonder what the goodbye would be
End of the walls, or endless safety.