i have the house to myself once again.
i would always tell you when i was alone
because i hated being lonely
and although no one can hear me
i keep my thoughts under lock and key
and i keep my music through my earphones
and i keep my love to my loved one.
i sit alone in a blank room,
in an empty space
where i could do anything in the world
yet i still keep every piece and element i own to myself.
i never did like to bother anyone else.

One of these
days I'll forget
how your name
numbs my tongue.

But not today.
Today your name
is hot poisonous
gas trapped in
my ribcage.
Today you
are steam burning
my throat
screaming
"Oh god!"
"Oh god!"
"Oh god!:
because you
are going to
be my
shadow again.

You are going to
be everywhere
again.

I keep
having these
flashbacks
of when I
was choking
on my words
as you held me
down.
Of when
he held up
the camera
and you bent
me over the
couch and
You both
laughed as
I giggled and
whispered "stop please"
instead of screaming
because my mother
was upstairs.
When me saying
"I'm done. No seriously
stop."
turning into your wicked
grins in your rotc
uniforms
pointing at your badges
"we're higher ranked
than you. You aren't
done yet." and that...
******* camera.

Always threatening
to **** yourself
when I did "wrong".
Always threatening-
Always
threatening me.

I was your puppet
and when
I spoke for myself.
another threat.
I got rid of you.
But you dug a hole
under my skin and
crawled right back in.
Shot me in the head
and like a maggot
crawled into my
Broca's area
controlling what I
said.

It got worse.
You were *******
other girls.
I got rid of
you again.
You acted like
we were wolves.
But I heard they
mate for life.
I heard they're loyal.

You my sweet,
are just a worm.

Saying you love me
promising you love
me.
And then texting another
girl the same thing
as you're whispering it
into my ear.

I pushed.
I pushed.
I pushed.
You were a
concrete wall.
A snapped spinal
cord between a
paralyzed man
and using his legs again.
The emphysema
that keeps a
person from breathing.
You were a disease.

And just like brain cancer
you deteriorated me
and controlled me.

For 2 months
you were everywhere.
For 2 months you
were always the
ghost around the
next corner.
You followed me...
Everywhere.
Showing up outside
my house to walk me
to school.
Showing up outside
my classes to tell me
you loved me and hated
me at the same time.

Every time I pushed,
you threatened.
Always another suicide
attempt as I tried to
get out of the grave
you put me in.
You kept throwing dirt
on me and saying "I can
finally breathe!"

I remember that one day,
your hands were ******.
Glass was everywhere.
Your pocket rattled.
My name engraved on
your thigh.
"Janna this blood
is your fault" as it
ran down your leg.
You stuffed pills
into your mouth,
pushed me away
as I screamed
and clawed at your
throat trying to
get them out.

Next time.
More blood,
less pills,
but you were
dizzy, delirious,
saying you love
me, saying goodbye,
throwing up, saying
goodbye, resisting my help,
your hands looked miles away
which is probably why
for once you didn't touch me.

It's taken me
2 months
to realize the
leaves moving
behind me weren't
you running for me.
2 months to realize
the person behind me
isn't going to capture
me and keep me locked up.

You're back from the
mental asylum.
And just the thought
of your brown eyes
breaks down what ever
recovery I built up.

You are an atomic bomb.
And I'm not sure there's
ever going to be a day
where I don't tremble
at the thought of you.
  And if there is, then
  it is not today.

If I grew my hair to my knees and dyed it to the color of the wind, would you still recognize him

If I pealed away at my fingers to make them look thinner, would you still be able to remember them

If I never walked into the sun again and took an eraser to my skin, just to be a bit lighter, would that be enough to disguise him

What if I even change the way I speak, a whole octive higher or perhaps lower, would his voice still be familiar

What if I make myself shorter or taller, with reconstructive surgery, do you think then you can be fooled by him

But what if

I break my nose and reshape it
   Take my lips and deflate them
      Gouge my eyes to replace them

Would that make a difference

What if I told you that you never had to see him again, that he can be different, he can be better, he could be anything

Would you believe in him





No...
But thanks for trying

Whiskey works in waves
I saw something hazy, a light
Making it's way down to the shoreline
I followed and took two more shots
Along the lakeside
One was to warm me up
And the other to make me believe
I couldn't drown in anything
Besides a body of water
Yet even with my feet
Firmly planted on the beach
My arms flailed above me
I coughed up seaweed
And my flooded lungs
Began to sing a broken chantey
"Take down the mast, o!
Tear down the rigging!
Tell me! Tell me!
What is a life worth living?"

The world is this, the world is that
The world is a lie, the world is truth
All I know is I'm leaving it soon
And I am loved, so I'll try to love everybody else
And hope that they'll love me too
Everyone knows, that the birds fly away when it's cold
And they come back when they're good and ready
And we are the same, we play the same game
Just by a different name and we
Wont stop, til we're good and ready

And I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's true
I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's me and you

Self righteous *******
Cast your judgment on everyone else
And say it's the word of God
But if God loves you, why do you hate us so much?
I'm beginning to think you're just a fraud
You turned your god into a trophy around your neck
And words in some book
But there will come a day when the pain is too much for you to handle
And no sense of pride will be able to save you

And I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's true
I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's me and you

And everyday is the same thing
Just another victim of some sort of tragedy
And I guess that is all that's coming my way
I could easily end it today
I remember when I was young and grateful for
The few people I knew
But now I got my cellphone, Myspace and Facebook
And I got crazy trying to keep up with all the people I know

You've got your bumper sticker on the back of your car
Telling me to free Tibet and save mother earth
But I suggest you get off your lazy *** and do some actual work
We are destroying just to build bigger cities
And towers to scrape the sky
We are dead consumers living in our dead societies
And our bodies pile up so high

And I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's true
I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's me and you

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/im-pretty-sure-this-world-has-cancer

I'm sorry.
I've written this out a thousand different ways
and all I have is a pencil sharpened down to the end
and a paper filled with holes
from erasing too much.

I'm sorry.
I cause problems.
I know.
But all I keep thinking is:
"What if I was enough to make you stay."

You asked me when me heart went missing.
I told you when my mind did.
I like to think that I loved you.
I like to think that I still do.
I can't tell anymore though, if I'm in love with you, or the girl I once knew.
A lot can change in a year.
But not me.
I'm still that same old record, left on repeat.
I'm that same broken boy, with scratched hands, and purple eyes.
You change personalities like clothes, and I was the only one who didn't know.
In the end we can pretend like I didn't notice the way you brushed your hair off your shoulder, or the way you sighed and stared into space.
But I did.
I miss it.
But I know it's gone now.
I really do wonder if it's for the best.

they are back
the voices
the ones that tell me
how I am going to live.
and I can't put myself
together again.

it's back
the pain that I feel
when someone
I love dearly
is hurting
and im trying to stop
trying to fix others life
but I cant.

im back
and I dont
want to be back.