Be honest they say as they drift away
But it’s hard to make that promise.
A friendship gone, a friend fray.
She won’t dare to look at me they all try to say.

Be honest, even though your friends afar.
A loving friendship now a broken heart.
Hours upon hours, gazing at the stars.
Locked in arms, fingers enclosed, linked within the horoscopes.
Magical times drifting down a dark, damp *****.

Be honest, but darling it’s just so hard.
Striding all alone, no one to hold, in the old courtyard.
Bruised, batted, scarred but hard.
Head up little one, time to make amends.
Even though, you and I know, it seems like we’re hitting dead ends.

Be honest and look her dead in the eye,
let all emotions float, relieved, elevated beyond the sky.
But wait there’s one more, don’t let them all break through
There’s just one more you need to know.
Love, it ties frayed ends and threads a string, entwining our hearts.

The freight train inside you has chugged on by.
No more fear of it breaking your inner walls.
Now you’ve been honest, times stopped us all.
You’ve followed the steps to being honest.
Look, float, wait, go. Look, float, wait, go
Be honest they all say, until we meet again

"your mother is an alcoholic,"
my mom jokingly said to
me one night
as she was pouring
herself another drink.

as a kid,
i didn't understand alcohol
or my mother's drinking habits.
she always seemed fine to me,
or at least pretended to be.

i didn't think anything
of the late nights,
or the excuses she sometimes
fabricated.

i smiled at her
and pretending i wasn't
actually worrying inside.
my mother was strong,
she was tough,
and i wasn't one
to criticize her drinking.

and while she said
those words as a
lighthearted joke,
i don't think she realized
i sometimes worried
for my future
and whether my
drinking habits
would hurt me
down the line.

i didn't want
to have to drink
to the bottom of the
bottle to feel something.

nor did i want to have
to drink to escape my reality.

it's a little twisted
and i'm not sure
when things got like this.

and the culture of college
doesn't help people like
me much.

"take another shot"
i take it to ease
the pain,
but i know in
the morning,
it won't make a difference,
i'll still feel the same.

ounces of alcohol,
stumbling legs,
loose smiles,
but things aren't
really what they seem.

i don't have to be
my mother's drinking habits,
pouring a glass each night
after work.

but how much
control do i actually have?
because i already feel
as if i'm spiraling
out of control.

Big unwieldy reputation
Every time I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time, I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.

Before you go on to read  my writing, I ask that you read the one Titled " A Mother's Worst Fear" as you will appreciate and  understand this better .  As i sat patiently waiting  for my best friend of 20 years to be uncaged and given his freedom,
The excitement as I arrived must have blinded my entrance, never paying any mind to my surroundings , until I checked in with a guard and showed him my licence. He said without a smile for me to have a seat in the lobby, as I turned to do just that my heart hit the ground and then it hit me , I was standing in a building centered in the middle of a huge rounded  fence laced with razor sharp barbed metal.
I couldn't imagine the look on my face as I found me a seat, thoughts and emotions running so deep.
I couldn't help but notice 2 women sitting across from me, engaged in conversation. I heard one say her son was the young age of 19  , he had been stabbed four times in 2 different prisons, as the other chimed in her boy was now 30 this was his second time behind the fence of barbed wire
I tried to keep my head down so they couldn't see the tears welling in my eyes ,  my throat felt like a cotton ball was lodged I couldn't hardly swallow,  they shared their stories of their sons and their convictions, one was saling drugs the other robbed a store. Something inside me felt like a knife taking jagged strikes through my heart. My purpose for being there lost in my thoughts, I tried to stay silent and go unnoticed to reframe from any invitation of conversation   as one lady spoke up. Ma'am are you here to get your son too. I can't imagine the look on my face as I choked through the ball of cotton to respond to her. No ma'am unfortunately I'm not his release isn't until November of this year, my best friend of 20 years is the reason I'm here. Dropping my head back down I couldn't reframe any longer, the pain to much, tears rolling down my face as I tried wiping them away. My thoughts of my baby boy running rapid, God how I wish I was here to get him.
The men in uniform in and out , leaving me sickened with the metal doors slamming and self locking at their exit and entrance. The men all around the centered building I waited ,all wearing white with large black words stamped on their backs "Property of the State" Nothing but glass between them and me, I watched as some gathered while others sat alone in their own little world and wondered what my baby did when he was out there , was he joining the others in a game of ball or was he all by himself sad and alone. A guard informed us it wouldn't be long now, they were signing their release, The mother's excitement filled the room, was I being selfish, I should be excited to. soon I would see my best friend,  but all that my mind could think was God why can't I be waiting on my boys release. I picked up my friend as we got in the car, he noticed my silence and could see I had been crying , his age and conviction and knowing me so well, he offered me his condolences and then he said, you know I would've traded places with him just to see you reunited and happy again. Piercing pain and sorrow over took me now .we weren't even out of the parking lot I couldn't see to drive through my tears, I hugged him tightly and said, this is why you will always be my best friend for the next 20 years. My son called me later that night to congratulate my friend as I heard his voice crack on the other end of the line he said tell Mr. David I'm glad he's free , hey momma don't worry it's not my turn yet , he's aged and doesn't have the time left out there I do, for the next time you walk through this fence of barbed wire it will be me walking out to go home with you.

©kimmied1105

Could I stop to think I would
Could I write a verse slower
Could I discover my own mistakes
Could I love the stillness of our moments
I would

Could I bring myself to the forefront of my own time
Could I grapple timelines I would
Could I stop your suffering
Could I know the full extent
Could I box my inner demons
I would

Could I compass the whole world in a time-lapse
Could I analyse for the sake of bringing time to its knees and bring yourself closer to me
Could I feel I would
Could I be reasonless and pure
Could I cuddle your expectations
Could I brake past’s shackles
I would

Could I show you what I write and let yourself in the absolutely grudgeful dread of madness my mind persists on being for the sake of dying someday
Could I find the hero in me like once we both knew and let him fight these battles for me while I relax for the both of the three of us in our love of itself and our life on its own and expectations grown to ideas grown to lived experience and maybe die alongside you maybe grow myself out of this looping madness we know it’s madness so why keep it up when I actually had foreseen it all I think it was it at least what I saw was suffering and I’m pretty sure this is suffering I’m feeling and if it’s not it still hurts I can tell you and I don’t know what I hate more if it’s me or if it’s you which it certainly isn’t or entropy itself with all its cruel apathy before our issues you must surely know by now I’m not functional so why won’t you just leave me alone and why won’t I let you go I don’t know but I just can’t I just can’t I just won’t so let me tell you once and for all
Could I solve myself I would
Could I let you free
Could I grant all your needs
Could I be who I promised to be
I promise
I would

The first time

was when I was walking down the street
alone
filtering through my thoughts, like I do
minding my own business, like I do
when your scent found my nose
through
street sewages & the dancing of the
trees,
wind
it jolted me, disturbed my personal missions
after which I turned around
in hopes that I would find you around me
so I could confront you face-to-face
instead, I was left to tilt my nose up at a degree lesser than my dignity
as I tried to follow the trail of your scent back to where it came from
only to get lost  .

Tell me 'bout your family
Tell me how you've been

Have you found your saving grace
With every act of sin

I hope you know, with every word
I am captivated

With every poem I've ever heard,
I have cultivated

A passing transaction
Of humble attraction
For you, my friend.


Tell me 'bout your heartache
Tell me how you feel

Have you ever seen a thing
So precious and surreal

I hope you know that you are loved
With no hesitation

With every song, I come undone
Accept my invitation

For conversation
With consideration
For you, my friend.


Tell me you won't leave me
Tell me we're not done

Please leave no words left unsaid
Or any song unsung

I hope you know this is the time
It's ours for the taking

With every hour, before you leave,
Just know that I'm making

A heartfelt pleading
Of hidden feeling
For you, my friend

It felt so disappointing
To have

All I knew

Become something so distant.

So strong, so intensely -- like there was nothing that could stop me.
Nothing that could show me another way

And I felt so
Sadly, truthfully fallen
So broken

------ I could not speak ----

And every where I look the voice
inside me says
stay

But I felt so small. Something felt so wrong
So I asked
What do I do.

And nothing -- but you said to you --
Get through it all.
Just live
Just pass
Just go

And my head, my mind. This idea
Inside.
This reality
Where am --------------
I/////


The blank spaces. the intense thought, become
nothing
everything/
something

I am falling
Or am I diving
???

still I say -
I lost it all
in one night


I have never felt
so empty

yet so full

i say i'm moving up in the world
while i run in place
and no matter how fast i run
i'm not going anywhere

a plant crowded in its ***
a dog stuck in his cage
a girl caught in bad habits