he broke me, he repaired me, he changed me.
i would do anything for him. he seemed like a responsibility. i needed to be there for him, i needed to be his shoulder to cry on,i needed to laugh with him to make myself feel better.
he changed and i didn't.
he intoxicates my mind like a drug i have never taken before. he charms me with his sweet voice and music. he can't be my shoulder to cry on, he can't talk me out of my sadness, he can't cheer me up on my bad days.
Sometimes, a certain line will take me back to when we were happy. i bet he can't identify where it's coming from.
our conversations are bland now. with blue ticks by each message showing that both of us don't care anymore. one of us is burdened with the thoughts and memories of the other, one of us can't give a ****

why does his presence linger in my poems and stories?
why does he become a reason for me to write?
why does he make me question my emotional state?

I've got my heart on my hands.
Not on a sleeve because I want you to see it properly.

But lately its invisible to your eyes. 
It's just not there when to you.

Let me tell you how it is.
With each silence a crack opens up.
With each moment with you the crack opens up and turns into a hole.
Within that hope, my heart is spitting endless pain.
It's beat is slow and unsteady, but in the sense that it wants to stop.
Because it hurts.

With each blood that drips off my palms leads to tears forming.
My hands are shaking.
My mind is working overtime trying to reduce the pain.

But it hurts.
It hurts so much that I pray for numbness.

I don't think I understand where I went wrong?
I've been trying to figure it out.
And I'm not seeing it because it's been my motive to make you smile and happy but it feels like all these attempts are breaking me.

The thunderclouds circle the Valley.
Soothing sounds from the darkest formations.
Send me off shore, One with the Galley.
No one shall miss thee, let there be little doubt.

The waves have risen and lowered; Littered with evil stench.
My guts hit the Stain, never again to be the same.
Just trying to forget, curse this haunted skin.
Being unable to forget, I'm a *******, living life in pretense.

Blue, blue, blue; the one color I see or touch.
Feeling helpless until eventually, i too turn blue.
Only then, do I count my blessings. No use for crutches.
Treat every human as if they were the last hearts blessed.

Land **!!! Finally, everything I have waited for.
These sands are clouds.  My date with the almighty is here.
The one who stenches the darkness with Ammonia.
Does his best to keep those haunted souls at bay.

Fire is also Blue,
Thus hell might be too.
Fight for me, lord of Orion.
It's Heaven, I should have praised before departure.

written March 19, 2015

"who said people can't be poisonous?
because the thought of you is taking over my body
i'm ill, dizzy, unable to think straight
and you're just the catalyst to the fire setting off inside of me
slowly deteriorating like a wave crashing against rocks
but my stance isn't so strong
now that you're gone
slowly, i slip
into the deep sea
drowning in your memory and full of everything we used to be

who said people can't be poisonous?
because i sure feel infected
nothing but you on my mind
nauseous over the broken promises you once said you'd never turn on
but now all you're turning on is the anxiety and depression inside of me
this black spot within, i once repressed
is now back and spreading like fire lit to forest green
because you are poisonous
yet
you are also my remedy"

How can I break free when loving you is weighing me down,
I'm so caught up in trying to fly and don't realize I'm still on the ground.

I'm typical and predictable and I never learn,
Too afraid to hit the ground so I never go for what I truly yearn.

I'm drowning in the pool of the very tears I have cried,
Not realizing that all I need to do is simply stand to survive.

Was it love or was it hate? either way it doesn't truly matter,
You took a gun and pointed it at my heart and our memories have stained me like blood spatter.

I’m seeing blue.
Where there was nothing now there is something
But happiness comes with a price
As a life where tears are never shed is a life not worth living.
You need a balance after all
But even with those small patches of white
Clear skies can only mean one thing;
A storm is about to erupt
Myself caught right in the middle of it.
In a world where there is only right and wrong, what would you do?
Or better yet; what wouldn’t you do?
What will you say, think, feel?
And better yet, who will you trust?
In a game where everyone’s a player, where everyone wants to win, who will you allow in?
At the ultimate risk; betrayal, heartbreak, anger, sorrow.
But the ultimate prize?
The impossible will become possible.
And love will strike again,
The power to make you oh so happy
Yet oh so sad.
So I ask again;

Who can you trust?

the butterflies in my stomach that you gave me have turned into something that's eating me alive
but i still get chills up my body every time i think of your arms wrapped around me and the sound of your heart beat and when our breathing was in sync
the chills must have been a warning though as to how cold your heart really is
and i decided to not think of it like that
as you were someone who was so warm and your smile made me warm up inside
and i never thought that you could be so cold
you always told me how you enjoyed the cold weather though and now it makes sense
i was never one for the cold and isn't it ironic that making sacrifices for the cold, burned me in the end in a way that will always be unforgettable
maybe this was a lesson for me though, that i should always bundle up for the cold
and protect myself
as i don't need to freeze and shatter to pieces when someone decides that they've grown tired of me and drops me at any second

if i give to you a universe,
you said to me this morning-
what would you fill it with?
a blank universe,
you coaxed me this morning-
tell me what i'd see.
i said, unwillingly at first-
i would not take your universe
not your gift to give...not your stars.
i would not take your universe
if you gave it on
bended knee.
-but if i had a universe,
a blank universe i'd fill it
with ecstasy storms
and kissing maids romping
with bright hued braids twirling
and child's first prayer that electrifies grass blades
and butterscotch ice ponds
and fields of wildflowers
and books lining roadways and
words raining sideways-
with
trains running backwards and
time moving slowly
with music for dinner and
dancing for sadness
with
lovers and mothers
and
magic
and
you.
perhaps i said,
as i rolled close in the sheets
i'd just fill it with you and i-
and i would love you when the sun
did shine
and when the sun
did not.
and i would love you when you closed your eyes
and i would love you as you wept.
love you as you walked
toes tickling my ground and sand
and i would love you when you sneezed
and as you sang
        and as you aged.
and i would love you
sleep
to
sleep-
my tiny universe to keep.



sahn
11/19/2014