I have nothing.
I fell like I am nothing,
but I'm not.
God how I wish I was.
I wouldn't take up so much space:
FAT
I wouldn't be a burden:
DEPRESSED
I wouldn't be so distant, so needy:
BORDERLINE
I would just be a memory.
A sad, dark, empty, lonely,
Memory.
I could save you all from this,
From the pain of knowing me.
Loving me.
Hating me.
And it'd be fine.

One second is all it takes to say "I love you."
One second will be all it'll take to say "goodbye forever"
One second of
"Here we go again"
Before,
"She left us too soon."

I gave her the permission to uproot you whole from my Heart, however painful, however unfair it feels
because I believe I've waited enough...
I've waited until I've reached the end of my patience
where holding on is no longer a valid option...
I love you so much but sometimes true love is just knowing
when to let go,when however firm one grips to the past,
nothing changes and nothing ever will...
I gave her a go ahead to pluck the memories leaf by leaf
from the wonderful hello to the sour goodbye,
it isn't an easy process and I'm only going through it
because dreaming of us together is telling myself a lie...
I once preferred (to living without you) rather to die
and picturing back to those times makes me want to cry
I have to forget you...
I've allowed her to cut the logs of hope right from the root system
so that whatever I feel for you should whither instead of bloom..
I've charged her with nursing my wounds till they are cured
and collecting the smithereens you left behind
I've implored her to bear with me till the raw and tender love
I feel for her has matured,till the memories of you have disappeared
It's really ******* her...it's killing her, it's written on her face
how difficult it is to fill the emptiness in this place
to heal the wounds, to warm the cold and stitch the cuts
she's trying to submerge it but through her smile
I can see the melancholy and how much it actually hurts
that's why I'm sure she's willing to go an extra mile...
she's blistered and really hurting but most of all
she's cutting and cutting and cutting...
because I gave her the duty to complete our parting.

It's not yet night for her to sink
But she closed herself and sank
Like eyes that are too tired to blink
And gazing upon the muddy river bank,
Suddenly, there were ripples in the water
As she sinks down into the river bed
But there was not a single call from her
As if she let herself be led
By water currents she knew so well

Have you forgotten how to float?
Or are there no souls around to tell,
About silent screams with a sore throat?
Did your roots pull from the mud?
And the current strong enough to break it?
It's a tragedy of the tiny pink bud,
who once sat on the murky water of two feet,
Being swallowed whole into the water
and not once experiencing a genuine woo

Oh, lovely water flower,

....Did you regret it too?

I'm under so much pressure
my mind is starting to melt
my heart is running dry
to these new feelings that I felt
my knowledge starting to empty
in a vacuum called my life
my heart is still pumping
but I no longer know why

Dear friends and family,
Have you ever noticed the silence of the forest?
Not a sound penetrates these dense thickets of brown and green,
and when you walk you can feel the stillness,
the tranquillity and serene.
Footsteps stir the dust creating a blizzard, it stays when you progress,
even the earth's natural instinct is to dissolve back into nothing.
The forest light never shines, and come to think of it neither does mine,
because i've travelled deep enough in and there is no returning.


The fauna here is beautiful, so much life when there is death,
birds chirping out their sweet call as if begging for me to not end this nature walk,
and when I do I know they wont stop chirping, their life will go on,
as will you when you come to terms with what I've done.
I have to find the perfect spot and more than not a perfect place,
because when I leave this earth I want to give back to natures grace.
I will be a bird,
free to explore the next journey without the burden of the world.
I am ready, I want to fly with the assistance of my noose I wont have to stay alive.
Dear friends and family,
Have you ever noticed the stillness of the forest?
because I do not make a sound.

i am sitting here at 3 am
confronting the empty side of my bed
my thoughts hold me hostage
to create a cage
that i will not be able to escape

i try to play dead
until they leave me alone
i try to shift shapes
for a hope they might leave
i try lighting a candle
for flicks of light to cast
the darkness away
but i soon begin to realize
that im not afraid of the dark

i cant get out of bed
my thoughts are holding me hostage
im at a place i dont want to be at
and can not leave
the sound of loneliness slowly begins to deafen me
the silver ray of moon is almost blinding me

all that i see through the reflection of my glass
are the bones of a hollow body, just like silver, starting to rust

and here i speak to my thoughts
that i have surrendered to their thoughtless plots
they ring my ears, with demands
to give up my soul to their filthy hands

i stumble as i try to stand up
i am as weak as a sedated body ready to be cut
my knees tremble like magnets
attached to no other but my bed
they repel any movement to stand up straight

panic fills my fearful cup
my gaze shifts to my reflection
and i see the ghost
of forgotten remains of someone who
has lost

i do not want to die
i deserve more
than being ended by no other than my filthy thoughts
i force my eyes open and smash the reflection with both my fists
adrenaline painfully waking my body up
with every ounce i have left
i try to detach myself from my bed
i am peeling layers off
and have never been in more pain
but it is all worth the pain
for i wont fail myself again
to become forgotten ruins
of a life-time faded into a blank sheet

there is more to my story
than just an empty bed
for i will not be manipulated
by my own self again
even if it shall be 3 a.m again

The whirr of the rush hour in the morning
and the lack of human sounds outside my door
reinforces that I'm alone.

It was a noise similar to my usual routine,
of quelling needy pangs of connection,
with what is always plugged in.

You had slept with me on this bed twice before
and you were unaware that on it,
I numbed myself quite frequently.

I reprimand myself to let go of expectations,
they have long become pipe dreams and idealism,
and would be foolish to follow still.

I would give up my sight,
So you could see how beautiful you are.
I would give up my hearing,
So you could hear all the nice things people say about you.
I would give up my heart,
So you could love your self.
I would give up my voice,
So you could say you love your body.
I would give up my mind,
So you could think about the good things and not the bad.
I would give up every part of me if it would help you.