i am standing beside a hole where a soulless body lays
afraid to peep inside
of who it might be
staring back
into my hazel eyes
could my innocent youth be harsh-fully swept away
if it was my mother whose eyes id have to face?

i am standing beside a hole where a soulless body lays
where my ears start to ring with echoes of heavy sobs that soon shred into weeps
whose funeral might this be?
was it possible that my late night bawling to god, to place that husband of hers under the rug, had finally been done?

i am standing beside a hole where a soulless body lays
when my mind immediately hits the ***
might this be the ceremony
to sendoff ,the person with whom i shared my soul?
might the bag of deceased bones
belong to the person
death was too afraid to take,
because of the ecstasy we both did generate?
would this ceremony actually be, my worst nightmare to come true?  

i am standing beside a hole where a soulless body lays
i am suddenly held hostage inside my own brain, forced to see all the nights id been swept away,
under the wings of insomnia
where id been dipped into a deception
making the sky seem like perfect company, in a romantic way
and the moon my dearest friend, in the best of ways

i am standing beside a hole where a soulless body lays
im fed up of being at this ceremony
i now want to leave
the place however
starts to fill with mobs
and never ending sobs
i see my parents greeting guests
and i see my best friend trying hardest to not break
for gods sake whose loss is being grieved in this hollow place
i stumble as i walk upon the open grave
filled with angry puzzles to piece
tears of all these eyes are by now enough, to create an ocean inside this place
an ocean however that i can not cleanse myself in to be saved

i am standing beside a hole where my soulless body lays
and soon i start to realize
ive been a tourist in my own grave

one: for as long as im empty, filled with no love,
there can be no one, to die for my blank parts

two: my heart doesnt need mending
for i am only as broken as i will trust

three:  no one can possibly save me
if i dont have the will to be saved

four: im not a form of entertainment
and it really needs to stop
because i am not a joke
waiting to be mocked

five: im not a sad poem
to trigger you like a gun
and sure as hell not someones last words
before they pull the trigger
forever to be numb

six:  i am not good enough
good god have i tried
because everyone only sticks around
for the pleasure to say their hurtful goodbyes

seven:  i crave attention
in the deepest of ways
like feeling the need
to push everyone out of my way

eight: im not just a poet
wrapped in a pretty bow

nine:  im a bundle of flaws
wrapped around your neck
powerful enough
to cause your own death

ten:  dont dare to try and think to break my heart
for i will turn your very own destruction
into a piece of art

i am sitting here at 3 am
confronting the empty side of my bed
my thoughts hold me hostage
to create a cage
that i will not be able to escape

i try to play dead
until they leave me alone
i try to shift shapes
for a hope they might leave
i try lighting a candle
for flicks of light to cast
the darkness away
but i soon begin to realize
that im not afraid of the dark

i cant get out of bed
my thoughts are holding me hostage
im at a place i dont want to be at
and can not leave
the sound of loneliness slowly begins to deafen me
the silver ray of moon is almost blinding me

all that i see through the reflection of my glass
are the bones of a hollow body, just like silver, starting to rust

and here i speak to my thoughts
that i have surrendered to their thoughtless plots
they ring my ears, with demands
to give up my soul to their filthy hands

i stumble as i try to stand up
i am as weak as a sedated body ready to be cut
my knees tremble like magnets
attached to no other but my bed
they repel any movement to stand up straight

panic fills my fearful cup
my gaze shifts to my reflection
and i see the ghost
of forgotten remains of someone who
has lost

i do not want to die
i deserve more
than being ended by no other than my filthy thoughts
i force my eyes open and smash the reflection with both my fists
adrenaline painfully waking my body up
with every ounce i have left
i try to detach myself from my bed
i am peeling layers off
and have never been in more pain
but it is all worth the pain
for i wont fail myself again
to become forgotten ruins
of a life-time faded into a blank sheet

there is more to my story
than just an empty bed
for i will not be manipulated
by my own self again
even if it shall be 3 a.m again

i was just like a cigarette
waiting to be flicked
passed around
and tossed, when finally burned

i was just like a cigarette
filled with novocaine
designed to keep numb
like a distraction
used to escape, what is now

i am just like a cigarette
useful whilst burning
and useless when burned out

i used to wear a disguise
to deceive the real me
i locked all the crazy
afraid for anyone to see
i used to be a deception
of all that you see
against the piercing reality of today

i used to wear a disguise
which i used
to lock away
all of my hopes and all of my dreams

i used to wear a disguise
until you came along
to unlock all the crazy
and reveal the real me
so everyone can see

for you made me realize that:

i am what i disguised
so no longer will i deceive  
because what i am
is what i am meant for you to see

i am flesh clinged to bones
forced to follow the script just like the rest
yet my rebellious demons
start fighting against this innocent disguise
they shred it at every edge
struggling to escape, they now appear
as the frightening dark creatures
theyve always been in there
now that i am stripped down
to my naked soul
you shall see
the monsterous masterpiece i chose to not reveal