I feel stranded and I feel watched.
Like a prisoner.
I hate it.

Hell in flames hath shown me the beast
Much blood be shed
At his own behest
The godless man that I am
Has chosen to battle
Despite being weak
He is a monster
He's a traitor
Low enough to ****** a lowly priest
He's a proud apostate
He's my enemy
If I'm being honest
He's one of half of me

The feeling of butterflies in your stomach.
The feeling of losing your breath..
and stumbling to find words
feeling clumsy in every movement in their presence.

I'm my own person.
I'm not shy.
I don't get feelings.
I'm not short of words.
I don't get emotional.
I don't get feelings like this.

But feelings are like rain.
You can be in a drought and miss it like hell
..or..
you can forget what it's even like to have water.
But when it comes it floods.
You remember how beautiful the sound of rain is.
How it toys with your insides and makes you feel a roller coaster of emotions.
It makes you feel comforted and at peace
yet its dark and makes you feel alone.
It consumes your thoughts.
It has it's own intentions that you may never know,
it's mysterious and ever changing as it thuds on your rooftop so that all you can hear is its presence then within seconds disappears and when you look outside it's only evidence of existence is the puddle running down the road to disappear like it was never even there.

It is the feeling of love.
You can't control when it comes
you never know how long it will stay but ******* it it's all you can think about when it's here.

But this isn't my first storm.
While I should be dancing in the rain I never forgot the burn of the last storm.
The lightening struck and everything that was, never was the same.
Within a blink of my eye the rain was gone and I spent years trying to recover from the damage it left.
It ruined the curiosity of what each storm entails.
Instead of dancing in the rain I hide from it.
It's hard to let something overtake you when you don't know it's intentions or how long it will stay.

But you can't avoid rain forever.
It feeds and rejuvenates the world.
It gives life to the plants and makes them oh so vivid and colorful.
It washes away the past and gives light to the sun.
I just need to find the storm that always stays with me for the return of the sun.

I was once a carefree and playful child
one who watched movies, and as a result  
grew up learning there was a love interest
in every scenario
I saw character development and watched
as the former loser would overcome their own fears
and get the beauty
every **** time.
they gained their confidence, plus
a partner in crime to share their new life with
as they shared a passionate kiss
and rode happily into the sunset

I grew with these false premises in my mind
as I waded carefully through the torrential downpour
of emotions in my angsty adolescence
I wasn’t yet confident enough in myself to imagine
someone by my side to share my suffering
but I thought that one day, I would be
and they would reach out to me
as suddenly as they had on tv

the former loser was never my path to follow.
I am ending my teen years as a different trope
the confident girl who doesn’t need anyone else
she knows her flaws, but loves herself endlessly,
but this is where the storyline fails.
I still walk with my head high,
but I have yet to attract my match
with the personality everyone boasts will be enough
it’s not.

it’s never enough.

it’s time for film to be a little more ******* accurate,
but maybe that’s why we love it so much?
It shares the stories that we may never know,
in a world so full of desire,
yet so devoid of passion for one another.

Cheers to you for seeking your sunset lover.
I’ll be waiting in the club of broken hearts  
when reality shatters your hope
and leaves you to live the same path
as I.

Maybe then it won’t be so lonely.

he is who i love.
you are the one i once fell for,
to the ground in pain,
in hell-raised agony;
and rose again
only to ask why, God,
must it feel this way
when you are near.

he is the beacon.
you were the light of the sun,
deflecting from my body,
permeating my skins paleness
and keeping my mind
rid of sanity;
persisting the everlasting thoughts
of a sweet, tantalizing end.

he is my best friend.
you were my best half,
of the negativity of me
and every other human
who dare to act
the way you do;
nonchallantly
dismissive,
and rude as all hell.