There was a time I wanted to rip you to shreds.
There was a time I would’ve begged you to stay.
There was a time I would’ve done anything for you.
You said when you were younger, you were a bad person.
You said you worked on it.
But I don’t think anything has changed.
I used to think you were so strong.
But all I can see is how weak you are.
How you let one person get in the way of your family.
You kicked a narcissist out to protect me only to let another one in.
Only to let the same **** thing happen.

There was a time when there’s nothing else to say.
You didn’t believe me then
You won’t believe me now.
There’s nothing else to fight for.

There was a time I felt empty.
That night after the text.
Filling my body with the same liquid that ruined my family.
Nothing seemed to help.
That void still existed.
I still was alone.

There was a time I wanted you dead.
And it lasted for months.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed that you left me.
Seeing a picture of you just ignited a fire within

There was a time I wanted to be dead.
What’s the point when you have no one?
What’s the point when all you’ve worked for was gone?
What’s the point if they didn’t want me.

There was a time I felt pity.
That you let it happen.
You say it was my fault but it was your doing.
You wanted this.
Your own blood gone.

There was a time when I let go.
When I stopped checking for phone calls or texts.
When I stopped hoping you would show up.
When I stopped thinking about what you had for dinner.
What shows you binged.

There is a time I felt peace.
I’m happy where I am.

and i am Seething in my seat
and my mother reaches for my hand
as if to say “i’m sorry” but she doesn’t say it
and she pays my head
and we will not speak of this again
and my father nods in absent agreement
and my sister watches my eyes
always watching
as if i am a time bomb
about to
explode.

Spoilt from birth,
Pampered and needy,
Being the spare an inherited curse,
Leading to actions often quite seedy.

Great aunt Margaret blazing the trail
Questionable choices aplenty,
Drugs and alcohol steering her sail
A life of regrets, vacuous and empty.

Followed by Andrew possessing of valor
But aimless and vain in every respect,
His choices a mess, cause of great clamor,
So by way of example what to expect?

As to his mother, that heart-shearing tale,
The lovely Diana Princess of Tears,
A tragic figure determined yet frail,
The ultimate victim to her own inner fears.

But a glass half empty is a mindset of sorts,
Blindly ungrateful to privileges bestowed,
Clouding his mind with nothing but torts,
Leading the spiral down a winding dark road.

We the onlookers can only but hope
That time and experience will yet prove the key,
Shielding his fall from that slippery *****,
Grasping the change which for now he can't see.

when the fire blows up, and the smoke engulfs the home we once knew
is it a sign for me to start running?
i bit too ******* the bullets as i waited
six months flew by, now i'm stuck staring at this view

frozen, anxious, twice as vengeful when you left me
"is it time to call mom now?" I asked you
but you smiled a maniacal smile as the flames spread from where you left the matches burning
i wish i knew better than to trust you to guard it

smoke and ash are all that's left of the home we took 20 years to build
i tell you "there's no closure when our doors are flimsy clothes from your soiled dresser"
clothes that were worn by people you said were just friends
and still, you never showed any guilt

i shake my head and play off these misfortunes as if they're a dream
as i fail and blame you for starting it
as i curse you for burning a fragile house to the ground
as if it wasn't the same house you lived in

the firefighters come and you tell the same sob story
i'll side with the truth and resentment, they'll keep me company as you bury me
remember this as the day when you burned out the good years
and the betrayal of your only family.

~
Learning to patch. Learning to mend.
Learning to venture. Learning to comprehend.
Learning to capture and befriend.

Inventing the berry. Inventing the cream.
Inventing sweet slices before bedtime
and the Fragaria colored dream.

Loving new life. Loving each child.
Securing the stem and raising the vine
by loving the wife.
~

What is home, everyone knows
from experience or lack
or both, as I do

And still
I know what I missed
when I think about it

Not often, at last
I got my home
And still

I am the saviour, the angel
I have practised to be
from childhood

I hesitate at the old Christmas card
with me as a little angel, back then
when I got a cat as a present

Stars on my white dress
gilt-edged wings
and a halo

But unable
to definitely redeem
my family, their desires

Wounded, I crashed
bipolar between heaven and earth
between love and failure

I wish this was about what is missing
I wish they'd have stolen all of me
Buried it somewhere
Pushed it out of a truck
Speeding down a highway
Too fast for
My mother to notice
Too quietly for
My father to care
It is what they left of me
For everyone to see
Out in the open
Ugly, marred
Screaming, biting
Foaming at the mouth
So unlike a daughter
The prodigal son
Is welcomed home
The feral mutt
Is drowned

Skinwalker lover
Call my name again
My heart a peach in your fist
Dripping
Ever longing
More, more, more
Lapping tongue
Starving dog
Cannibalize me
Again
I'll never notice
My pieces missing
Begging for scraps
While your meal
Grows cold

it was your birthday yesterday
mom reminded me
like it hadn’t been the only thing on my mind all day
she said she couldn’t believe that it’s been so long
but it felt like i had just hugged you yesterday
i didn’t want to believe it
i don’t believe it
and i’m not sure that i ever will
so i set up a number that leads to no where
because i wondered what it would be like to call you
to leave you a message
to tell you how my day was
and i think of you
whenever i see a flannel shirt
when i eat peaches
when i smell fresh flowers
and sometimes when i want to feel close to you
i’ll go into my spare room, open the closet
and put on your army green police jacket that you left
it even still smells like you
i was too young then
i was too young to be sorting through an entire house of things so the entire family could decide what i would be able to remember you by
but even now
i don’t need your things
i remember you as clear as the blue skies you loved
it would just be nice to have more of you around
but i know you’re there
i look up at the photos of you in the living room every single day and smile
you’re gone
but i know you’re here

twelve years gone
but i can still feel you all around

my sister walked in the door
a grim face and no words
i’ve never seen her like this before
she sat beside me, dragging her feet on the cold linoleum the entire way,
three cushions down
and stared blankly at the tv
“i’m really tired”
she says she only got an hour of sleep
i didn’t know what to say
i had seen the news

i could feel the sadness
it poured out of her and sept into anything in its path
i can feel my heart slowly breaking
i don’t think she noticed
she lays down with a blanket
and closes her eyes
she’s not sleeping, but i didn’t know how to help
i had seen the news

i told her
go sleep in my room
go get a snack
go home for a while
but she never listens to me
i just wanted her to be okay
i didn’t really expect this time to be different, after all
i had seen the news

she didn’t sleep
she didn’t eat
she didn’t go home
she just lay there
in silence
for hours
i kept thinking about the news

i worried all day for her
and when she finally went home that night
i still worried for her
i cried for hours
all i wanted was to help her
i didn’t know how to help her
all i knew is that
i had seen the news