This morning I woke up
missing how things used to be.
I miss the warm and the comfort that my family used to bring.
Belonging, that’s what I miss
for now I’m only a stranger with nowhere else to be.
I have these memories,
and I wonder if that is all they’ll ever going to be.
The happiness and the calm,
they feel so distant from me.
There is this aching pain here in my chest,
it makes me uneasy,
it doesn’t allow me to rest.
I used to be known to anyone
but myself.
Now I’m trying to get
closer
to who I really am,
but every step I take leads me
away
from everybody else.
But that little girl is all alone,
in the dark she’s screaming for my attention.
For too long I’ve ignored her cries,
too focused on the people around me
and on not creating any tension.
All this energy I’ve used,
all the dedication I gave,
it all feels like a waste of time.
For if those people knew who I was,
then why I still felt so utterly
alone?
maybe it’s because of my Lou
of the magic she creates.
She’s quite capable you see,
with her in two places I can be,
whereas before only in one I used to be.
I can be on the surface,
grounded in the present,
but holding the hand of that little girl all together.
maybe that was enough,
it had been for a long time.
But now I want more.
Yes I am greedy, and I don’t want to deny it.
I want to be in those two places all the time.
I want to hold that girl’s hand and tell her
that it is all right.
I want to do it while sitting at dinner,
when my dad makes his jokes.
I want to do it when my mom asks me if I like
the new shirt she just bought.
I want to do it when I play cards with my grandma,
and when I’m around my other friends.
Because while I comfort that little girl,
it is her who gives me strength.
So here I am,
trying so hard to walk towards her.
I’m trying to keep her with me,
near the surface,
grounded in my present.
She’s scared,
and so am I.
Sometimes she slips away,
sometimes I still ignore her cries.
It’s just so difficult
and I struggle to understand why.
How can they know me, if that girl
was never by my side
when I shook their hand, or when I made them smile?
They knew a stranger, an imposter,
that’s what they knew.
But why am I so distant from them now,
when all I’m trying to do is
presenting them the truth?
Are they angry because I lied?
I didn’t mean to do so.
I just couldn’t hear her voice for so long.
It pains me that the road towards the light,
towards that girl,
it’s such a lonely road.
It saddens me,
when the reason I only moved is because
I didn’t want to feel alone at all.
I felt not whole around the ones that
loved me.
I wanted to be whole
for them.
Now I am not whole yet,
but each day a little closer I get.
But why is it that always a stranger is all I am?
A stranger to myself in the start,
a stranger to them in the end.
Perhaps there is another road,
another path that I’ll take
once I’ll have conquered the present
with the little girl here in my presence.
Perhaps only then I’ll be able to see
how to make those memories real
how to live them again
as a new me.
