My bf works in Geneva, Switzerland. I go to school in New Haven. We Facetime a lot - but it’s not ideal.

“I wanted to tell you, that it’s been nice.” I told him somberly.
“What do you mean?” He asked after a moment.

“Well,” I began, “You know how I like to go down to the harbor and watch the ocean?” “Yeah,” he answered.
“Well, I was down there this evening and the sun plunged into the sea and it got dark. I think we’re all going to die.”

“Anais, you’re on the east coast,” he reported. “That’s true,” I confirmed (New York’s on the east coast and it’s 60 miles away).

“The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.” He explained. “ocean sunsets only happen on the west coast.”
“Really?’ I said, flabbergasted, “I never noticed that.”
“Yeah,” he reiterated.

“I have a confession,” I admitted, sighing.
“What’s that?” He enquired.
“I made it up, the sun and sea thing,” I admitted.
“For real?” He followed up. “Yeah,” I said. “Why?” he asked.

“Nothing happens, when you’re not here,” I disclosed, “It’s SO dull, I’m dull, I’m afraid of underwhelming you.”

“We’re going to die someday,” he assured me, consolingly.
.
.
songs for this:
I Can’t Remember Love by Anna Hauss
So In Love by k.d. lang
It’s the End of the world as we know it by REM
The end of the world by Skeeter Davis

my mom called, i cried by the dhall, on facetime
been thinking about how lucky we are to be alive
even if to deal with mornings and swollen eyes
even if dad's always on the night shift, even with
this big rift caused by the distance and the lack of time
just because we made out once doesn't mean you're mine
i got glimpses of a pink top, my blanket of a jacket
i bet it would look classier if you were wearing it
but you're distant and cold and partying is getting old
i'm forever out of polaroid film and cheap distractions
so i took an amtrak home, straight from south station
the flight back to boston was short but still exhausting
and when i walk home alone, the silence is unsettling
seems we're both better than i thought at method acting

Our coffeemaker died this morning - it wouldn’t **** all the water out of the reservoir - c'est tragique. We love our coffee and apparently, we brewed the life out of it. It sat, oddly neglected, in its usually busy spot beneath hanging copper pans. Adieu, faithful friend, you gave your life to a good cause. We’re reduced to using a freeze-dried brew.

Lisa grew up in New York highrises, and she was agog in our garden. “It’s like Versailles!” she whispered, when we first arrived and did the tour - flattering but hardly. It’s a six acre, French, Color Garden. An acre is like a football field without the end zones - so maybe you can picture the size of it as it wraps around the front of the house.

The lawn slopes off gently to circular beds and right-angled parterres. Two staircases lead to a fountain that feeds a rectangular reflecting pool full of lily-pads and lazy goldfish. Lisa and Leong spent hours this summer reading in the only cool spot, a shaded, wisteria-covered pergola, but gardens are best in fall and spring - when in bloom. I’m sorry they didn’t get to see the explosive flowerings - maybe we can come back, someday, for Easter vacation.

We’re leaving for New Haven at the end of the week so I’m slow organizing for academic life. I have 21 new notebooks (three per class or lab) and 60 various, carefully coutured, colored markers and gel-pens. I tried taking notes on my iPad last year but I found I remembered things better when I took colorful notes by hand, highlighting ideas, and pinning them down in my notebooks, like butterflies.

We hung out with a lot of rising college freshman girls this summer and across the board, it’s been fun. Their questions were super random, but super aware - their interests make our bumbling, freshie experiences seem buzzy. I remember being so ground-down the carceral, COVID lockdown of my 10th and 11th-grade years that college freedoms seemed like space travel. I’m excited for these girls.

Peter and I are squeezing in a morning Facetime call. He looked a little tousled and undone, sporting a black, almost blue, bedhead mess of morning hair. With his sleepy, brown eyes and five o’clock shadow, he looked like he just fell out of bed after hours of.. ahem. My usual, unfocused feelings seemed to find a compelling point.

I smiled and sipped my coffee, “What?” he said, self-consciously, upon catching my expression.

“I just can’t wait to see you in person.” I demurred, choosing to focus on this morning’s awful, instant coffee. I tend to chatter when I’m excited by something, but maybe I’m learning the power of silence.

it's as close as i can get

but seeing you
your smile
your eyes
just you

you rip through me
and the longing i feel makes my heart swell
and sink
down to the floor
and i need you here

it's not close enough

FaceTime Unavailable.
Leave a Message
Hey, it’s me, just saying hell....
Hey, just wanted to check up o.....
Hi, I really miss yo......
Just saying what’s u.......
I’m constantly bombarded by thoughts of you
I wake up .... You
I go to class.... You
I study.... You
But I still can’t understand
Why I’m not over....
You
Yes.
Was the word I said when you asked me to be yours. When you said I want you to be mine
Out was where we went , no matter the time. I’d go out with you over and over and over again because i never wanted the time with you to end
Unlimited
Was how I felt when you held me in your arms, when I called and you’d always answer . When I knew i could rely on you to be the answer but
Somehow, over time, I began to think I was not the answer. Multiple Choice but I was not the right choice, I was the choice that’s so close to right it made it difficult for you to decide
But you decided that you were willing to be almost right to be with me and I didn’t appreciate that til your heart. Your mind. Your thoughts. Your time. Left Me
Read
That word has become so familiar now
Read
Has become a common response to me now
I fight for your attention
Your time
Your affection
I fight for the right to my thoughts
My attention
But
I’m losing
Connecting......
FaceTime Unavailable
I see you.
Talking to her
Her could be a stranger
Her could be a mutual friend
Her could be your someone close
But her isn’t me, so it could be anybody
But I want to be her
What is it about our past relationship that is keeping me hooked
Why do I feel like I am not free
I know I don’t want a relationship
I know what you’re probably going to tell the next girl the next her but.
I don’t care.
​

Those hairs were spread around that angelic face of hers.
A face that has just left an everlasting impression on my conscience.
A face that has just transformed my ordinary looking roof into a divine ambience.

Those hairs
Sometimes enhancing the aura of my luminous body that illuminates everything so bright.
And
Sometimes blocking the way of my only source of light at night.

When she left
I started staring at the moon
surrounded by the clouds.
I flinched for few seconds & for knowing what I imagined,
I'm leaving all of you for thinking out loud.

It always goes the same way. You going a million miles a minute running around your room doing stuff. I'll catch every other word you say with the sound cutting in and out. I am either looking at the ceiling or it is paused because of the connection. But none of that bothers me. I don't mind not being able to hear everything you say so know what you are doing or what you are saying because I know you are there. I know if the connection cuts out you will call right back and apologize. All of your stories and comments not necessarily talking to me or seeing if I am listening but I am. So I find myself keeping busy with coloring, puzzles, writing, or just adoring you. We never really talk just the occasional what are you doing. but I like it. It's our thing. We don't have to talk to each to know we are there for each other. I would much rather be with you like this. You always end up making me laugh or smile and I don't get a lot of that so thank you for all of our casual FaceTimes.

ill never forget that night.
we were laying in bed,
eyes closed and half asleep,
teetering on the fence between
the world of wake
and the world of dream.

we’d been quiet for awhile now,
understandable in this hour of the night.
the room was lowly lit
by the dim glow of light
cast off computer screens,
and the air was filled
with white static sound
and your soft rhythmic breathing.

eyes closed,
i could swear you were beside me,
half convinced by the hum
of the speakers softly snoring
that i’d roll over to your body,
even though i knew
you were far away from me,
sleeping alone across the sea.
but it was something i could believe,
nearly there,
slipped into sleep.

and suddenly
you split the silence,
waking yourself up,
you called out my name with urgent pace
and i mumbled a reply
as you pulled me awake.

you spoke again,
and the words spilled from your tongue like nectar
and dripped from your lips like honey,
said with such haste
like you couldn’t get the words into the world fast enough,
as though holding it in any longer
would bring down the world burning.

it was then in that night,
one of many moments yet i’d find,
that i knew i was going to love you forever,
and
no matter of land or sea,
of sun, stars, or skies between,
could ever change that,
or keep you away from me.


―  “i love you more than anyone or anything i have ever loved or ever will,” 12:37 am, 10.08.17, what you said to me.

an open window,
the smell of night's cool breeze,
static from an open laptop,
the sound of you sleeping next to me.


― subtle moments of bliss

We haven't talked in awhile
Your voice like silk
Bringing a smile with it
Something I haven't done for months
I talk to you on Twitter
The bird a messenger to our secret conversation
Every time a white message box pops up
Every time I get a notification from you
My heart skips a beat
For every word you write, every sentence
Is worth the couple seconds it takes to read
We have a lot in common
We both have eating disorders
That couldn't be more different
We love the same music
As we rock out on Facetime
And laugh at my shyness and stupidity
Yet without social media
We would have never met.
I would never have smiled.
I would never have lived.