"i'll see you soon
by the next full moon
it won't be long, just wait."
the next moon came
nothing had changed
it wasn't written in our fate.
"wish you were here
so i could hold you near
and talk and laugh all day."
it wasn't to be
so i'd wait patiently
there were rules we had to obey
four months have gone by
every day i have cried
just sad and feeling alone.
"i miss you too much
i so crave your touch
i'd rather be there than at home."
just come and meet me
we'll do it discreetly
we don't have to tell anyone.
"now i just miss you more
and it's left my heart sore
and wondering, what have we done?"
the battle with willpower and ethics of seeing your s/o during lockdown and the consequences of a "quick fix" meet that will usually have you more desperate than before
I'm not going to sleep
because so far talking to you has been the best part of my day
and if i sleep now
tomorrow will be here quicker.
i give more than i receive
and i wonder if i deserve more.
but if meeting half way,
and giving less than i feel,
is how to gain equality in our love,
i don't want it.
i can't pretend there's no pit in my stomach
or tug on my heart
or smile on my face
whenever i see you.
no matter what i do,
i can't make your fire burn brighter,
so am i naive to stay
for the affection i receive
when it takes more than it gives?
or is that just love:
and i choose it,
just thoughts- i overthink and overanalyse everything so i'm definitely creating a problem that's not there so it's better to write it down than dwell
i wonder what version of me lives in your mind
tell me what i look like through your eyes
it's as close as i can get
but seeing you
you rip through me
and the longing i feel makes my heart swell
down to the floor
and i need you here
it's not close enough
feeling very lonely at the minute and i miss him more than ever
i've spent so much time in my bedroom
that i've memorised the walls.
i know every stain
like the back of my hand
because it's become my new every day
i guess my physical presence
was the reminder of my existence
and now that it's gone
i'm no longer present in their thoughts
and so i'm left here
i just need to be able to hug someone
it's so tiring,
this back and forth in my brain.
i want to be better.
i want to be content
just as i am.
i want to be able to exhale,
and shut out the voices that tell me otherwise.
but they overpower me.
"my stomach looks good today",
"my legs aren't huge",
"i'm not ugly",
i try to say as my hands tell a different story.
grabbing at fat and skin,
trying to find any imperfection to prove me wrong.
and this is where the confusion starts:
looking in the mirror.
what do i look like?
how should i feel?
am i actually fat?
am i deluded to think i might not be?
i have no idea the answer to any of those questions
and millions just like them scream at me.
if i am fat,
should i be trying to lose weight?
or should i try to accept how i look?
i try to be better,
but i don't know which voice is right.
i don't know who to listen to.
and i'm trapped in this in between.
it's ******* exhausting so someone just tell me what to do
I needed to get these thoughts out of my head and onto a page