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Haydee Jan 2019
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Hey, it’s me, just saying hell....
Hey, just wanted to check up o.....
Hi, I really miss yo......
Just saying what’s u.......
I’m constantly bombarded by thoughts of you
I wake up .... You
I go to class.... You
I study.... You
But I still can’t understand
Why I’m not over....
Was the word I said when you asked me to be yours. When you said I want you to be mine
Out was where we went , no matter the time. I’d go out with you over and over and over again because i never wanted the time with you to end
Was how I felt when you held me in your arms, when I called and you’d always answer . When I knew i could rely on you to be the answer but
Somehow, over time, I began to think I was not the answer. Multiple Choice but I was not the right choice, I was the choice that’s so close to right it made it difficult for you to decide
But you decided that you were willing to be almost right to be with me and I didn’t appreciate that til your heart. Your mind. Your thoughts. Your time. Left Me
That word has become so familiar now
Has become a common response to me now
I fight for your attention
Your time
Your affection
I fight for the right to my thoughts
My attention
I’m losing
FaceTime Unavailable
I see you.
Talking to her
Her could be a stranger
Her could be a mutual friend
Her could be your someone close
But her isn’t me, so it could be anybody
But I want to be her
What is it about our past relationship that is keeping me hooked
Why do I feel like I am not free
I know I don’t want a relationship
I know what you’re probably going to tell the next girl the next her but.
I don’t care.

Haydee Jul 2018
I’m not me anymore
I am writing this because I want to show it to you
I want you to get me
What I’m saying about me
And I want your approval
How poetry is supposed to be my way of expressing myself but now I feel like I’m expressing the version of me that is most agreeable to you
The one that will get the approval
I’m not a poet
I’m a fraud...

Haydee Jul 2018
Tossing, Turning,
I can't sleep.
Night after night
Day after day,
I lie awake, thinking, or not thinking
You scare me
So much uncertainty and I feel like my life is no longer my life.
It consists of a competition
I have to prove to you that I am better than the next
Survival of the fittest
except inclusive fitness is not a witness
I'm depressed
Thinking of what could be, what can never be, what I want to be....
I think I have a plan
but God reminds me that I am only a (wo)man
I decide to continue on anyway
One Day
I'll find my way
Haydee Jun 2018
I have value.
I am valuable.
Somewhere between when we first met, and when you first kissed me, I questioned my net worth
I have value
I am valu....
Able to decipher between the lines of your pleas and needs
I want to satisfy you.
I want to be the reason that you are content.
When you talk about what makes you happy,
I want to be one of the items that comes quickly to mind.
No hesitation
No thought
My name.
Comes out of your lips
Like fluid
Lips that I’ve kissed and bit and thought about kissing and wanted to kiss
Lips malleable between mine
I have value
I am valuable.
Begging you to let me into the sinuses of your heart and mind.
Begging you to let me into the places which you seek to hide
Wanting to know you completely.
I am not God.
Wanting to know your every thought and anticipate your every want or need
I am not God.
Even as I write this, I wonder what you’ll think
I wonder if I can create the image that I see in my mind in yours
I wonder if what we have is like inception
At first you think it’s one thing, but then you’re left unsure about all you thought you were sure about
I think the reason people have had a hard time getting to know me is because
I don’t even know me.
Who is _
What makes up my core
I don’t know.
I think I’ve just been living in a shell
Afraid to venture out
Or not feeling equipped or ready to undertake this thing called life
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to disappoint you.
These are things that I should be saying to God.
Somewhere along the lines of time
I have made you a.....
I am valuable
I have value
I began this piece
Hoping to be able to express what I am feeling
The heaviness of my heart
And anxiety weighing on my mind.
I have failed.
I wanted to become immersed in my emotions so when I arose I would be ok.
I am not.
I think I want you to like me so badly.
I’ve lost my value.
I’ve lost sight* of my value
I have value
I am available
Sometimes our subconscious types the things we suppress

Haydee Dec 2017
First you get admission her permission is required, framed against the wall are those strokes you once desired. Admired, divinely inspired with his hands you can't compete. My favorite piece of his and yet he left it incomplete. But I appreciate the process, with the progress I obsess. The paint splatters, eraser marks, it's a fascinating mess. The finished piece is nothing but an educated guess. But his work is so elaborate, its definitely made to impress. These urges I suppress, to unhook that velvet rope, and step even closer than anyone could ever hope. In her walls she's confined, most of it within her mind. I think she would actually appreciate it more if she were blind. But I'm alone in her gallery, asking the auctioneer how much, and they point at the sign that says "please do not touch"
Haydee Jun 2017
You are

You are

Words people try to use to confine me
They use descriptive words to remind me
Of who I was, where I was, and who I used to be
But Words,
Words--they can't DEFINE ME.
Because I
Haydee Jun 2017
Looking at the stars.
Searching for the brightest one
But my eyes were closed.
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