i thought i was getting better

a better sister
a better friend
a better human
a better weight
a better student
a better daughter
a better mental health
but it was just a lie

wasnt it?

It’s not death I fear,
I would welcome it with an open arms,
Like an old friend I haven’t seen for forever,
Like you would welcome love.
What I am afraid is dying through suffocation
When you are in a room full of smoke,
And you realize that you only have these fumes
That burns your chest with every inhale, to breathe.
When you are choking on ether,
And you can’t really feel it because
There is nothing to choke on.
When you are in a close space
And the hot air you breathe out
is the air you need to breathe in.
When you are drowning in the sea
And you realize there is nothing you can do about it.

A worn out soul
With a weary smile
Calling out to the heavens
Voice filled with despair
Begging God for rest

"Oh Lord, please grant me peace" it cried
As it began to crumble
A woeful plea to the gray sky
Exhorting Him
Sanity slowly slipping away

Numerous futile attempts
Praying to be saved
"My God do not forsaken me!" It yelled
Shedding tears of blood
Holding on to a thin string of hope

Then It snapped
Taking matters to it's own hands
The soul left
Now walking on the path to Utopia
Where it can rest for eternity

empty thoughts
drain my empty soul

I create clutter
In my head and around me
When I'm stressed
Because I have no energy
To clean it up

As the clutter increases,
My frustration increases with it
Until I can no longer function
Till I clean it up

How long before I finally
learn the lesson
To take care of myself?

im tired of failing people,
so exhausted in causing trouble
so i wonder and think continually
am i of value really?

im tired of being a disappointment
so full of regrets and resentment
how i wish im such importance
atleast just once

Enjoy it while you can
      they say
These next 4 years are going to fly by
      and they did

-Join a club
-Do an internship
-Make friends
-Write a resume, cover letter
-Fall in love
-Apply for jobs
-Do something crazy
-Build your professional portfolio
-Socialize for hours
-Find a grad school
       they say "it's the college experience"

Is it the college experience to feel
Underappreciated and Overworked?
Elated and Devastated?
Accomplished and Incompetent?

It never feels like it's enough
      no, I never feel like I'm enough
I've spent hours staring at a screen
Either in class or at home, it doesn't matter
I scrolled through so many blogposts and jobposts
Applied to countless positions and internships
All for nothing

"What's the best way to do college?"
      is the question I'm constantly asking myself
      and anyone who will listen that might have the answers
"What am I doing wrong?"
      how can so many people have accomplished so much
      before I've even made a name for myself

my 21 credit semester
my double major
my additional minor
my 6 semesters of straight A's
my 2-year executive board position
my part-time minimum wage job
Were they all not enough? What am I doing wrong?
Why can't I find even an unpaid internship?

Despite my exhaustive efforts,
      and I do mean exhaustive, full burn-out
I still see people
people who have done way less, tried way less
with full rides, wonderful internships and jobs right out of college.

None of it is fair.

And I have nothing to show for it.

So has this just been 4 wasted years?

What can I make of myself in the real world,
with nothing to show for my college career?

emotions come into my brain
working at steering me to feel insane
my brain always tries to kick them out
but they always like to lock it out
as they battle and i stare
i long to find the key in despair
to help my brain get back its ruling chair
take the script in both hands and gave it a mighty tear
somehow emotions always seem to reign and overflow
turning me into an immaculate freak show
tears are pouring out all over the floor
shaking and tormenting my very core

why do i have to feel so intensely
why is my life packed so densely

14/05/2020