the fact that
i won't ever commit suicide
doesn't mean
that
i
.
don't
.
want
.
to
.
die

I'm tired of painting my sky in shades of blue and grey,
Even if it leaves me dead,
Paint me in splendid red.

Turquose water barely exists in my mind
I am only familiar with murky grey
With clouds of brown mud, the splash of friends.

The best time to go is always when the lake is deserted
Just loved ones and the empty cavity above the rippling surface
Fully free to laugh, shreik, and be a kid again.

No explanations for the shorts I wear over my swimsuit
Those are the moments we don't care if our hair gets wet and stringy
We stay in as long as possible, until lips turn blue and toes go numb.

Then we swim back, back to the shore and ***** feet
Huddled around a cold firepit, we beg for coals and heat
With none found we finally put on damp clothes, utterly exhausted.

No amount of food is ever enough so like scavenging dogs we hunt
With vicious fingers and starving hands
Until every last crumb in the potato chip bag is consumed.

Those are the days I want to remember
That blissful feeling, the absence of the weight of the world
The days when the swim back is always farther.

Y O U

will consume me
from the inside and
swear it's for the best when i
start feeling the attack

Y O
U

want me dead.
i'm sure of it, i know my cells (and or)
you and your patterns and
the funny way you fill my face with

w
a
t
e
r

Y
OU

make me want to not die
just to spite the hell out of you
even if you leave me wheezing
and shaking in my bed (low low low)

Y      O       U

are doctors appointments without
the lollipop, the fear and longing for
sleep, the way i cannot breathe
when you are active (lack of empathy)

yOU
YoU
yOu
YOu

make me suffer
suffer make me
me suffer make
make suffer me
suffer me make
me make suffer

beep boop
i'm tired of tubes and needles
and pills

i look like a ******* ******