We live in a society
that provides studies, education and university.
We live in a society
that also provides therapy.
See, if I said I refuse the education,
everyone would look at me in shock and irritation.
But if I told I take a therapy,
I would get an alien-look that makes me feel like here
I am not supposed to be.
Sure, it's not quite a thing you say at a party or your first date.
But why is it still labelled as something so bad?
Because let's face the fact.
Everyone carries at least one package of ****
in their bag pack.
And there is **** you better flush together with someone else.
So, I show respect,
to those who seek out for help.
This is not a sign of weakness but lion-strength.
Dealing with oneself, looking into the darkness of the past, making footsteps into the
old pain,
that deserves applause and acknowledged fame.
Society provides enough stinky people who keep carrying their ****.
Who got so used to the smell that they just live with it.
But the package gets heavier and heavier over time,
turning into bricks.
I understand that it's scary,
and some people would rather jump off the cliffs
of Grand Canyon than opening the seeming box of Pandora.
And I say it so simply and easy,
even cheesy,
but there is joy and peace waiting
piled under the ****.
So, people.
Look at it!
Get rid of it!
Go through the dark tunnel,
dare to make the step.
By healing yourself you also heal everyone else.
Flush that ****.

We ogle entertainment to forget reality
We write things down to understand history
We spell things out to maintain our dignity

But is that enough?
Sometimes we must
let go of reality,
relinquish dignity,
overcome history.

This is where the fear kicks in-
What drives you forward if not an oasis?
Who is in control if there is no escape?
        
Forget what you learned.

Grow by your own accord
Throw your hope off a balcony
And pray your mind will heal

**** your thoughts
and spare your fallacies
Starve your Ignorance
obsess over the unknown.

Accept your demise.
**** your pride.
Be unruly.

what is that college readmissions essay supposed to tell you?

i was depressed, but you don't acknowledge mental health as anything but a lazy made up excuse to not work as hard as the people whose shoulders i stood on did.

"what have you learned, and how will you apply that as a student at our university?"

how do you define growth?

i'm going back to school, and that's what i want to talk about, but i can't help but focus on why i left. i can hear myself and others, battling the war in our heads called "pragmatics vs empathy".

i can't tell who's losing.
i can only tell who's participating in yuppie culture, i can only draft so many letters to my parents, and the congruence of my academic self and every other version of myself.

what does a gap year mean (to my family)? what about two?

i've had this stand alone identity, and it's cost me a lot.

i miss learning.

there are so many barriers, so much omission.
do i only make one-year commitments out of fear for anything longer?

i'm jumping into a lot of different identities, with their own different paths, but we ultimately come back together as one, as me. it's meiosis. only one of them has to eat or sleep. i could keep working and running forever. parts of me are really and only good at that.

how do i fulfill the expectation of living up to what my parents see?
how do i get recognized for "growth" and how do i identify areas for it?

i'm sorry, dad. this was a really long voicemail. i'll talk to you later.

Still on process
Struggling for progress
For a dream that I desire
Which I deliberately wrote on my dreams book
I’m studying in someone else's city
Next year I want to realize it even will
Yeah I will
This is a hope that only He can bring up
I hope to write a thesis like I write a poem
I love it
I could enjoy its processes
then I will actualize another dream

I'm here
now to
sing aloud
a dominie
in her
class of
yore with
style in
a school
with another
day there
with her
winks for
tradition that
flash her
letter of
primacy again.