Oh how I wish I was skinny
I look at all the other girls
They have small waists
I feel like a fat monster

I eat, eat, eat
Then throw it back up
And I repeat
It's never enough

People say I'm skinny too,
But they're just being nice
They know how I look
They don't know everything I've tried

I don't eat for days
Then I eat so much
Sometimes I eat enough,
Then it comes all back up

Weight gain
Weight loss
I'm in my hypomanic period
I have insomnia
I'm hyperactive
But I get tired... I do a lot of things
I move around a lot
I know that soon I'll have my down phase
It's the phase where I sleep for hours on end
I eat and do nothing
I gain weight
Then it starts again and I'm a live wire
I stop taking medication
Medication takes away my inspiration
I'm a vegetable when I take them
I'm no longer myself
I used to be unable to manage my emotions
I used to have tantrums
Today I manage without difficulty
It's a rollercoaster life
It's going to be like this all my life
I have to learn to manage
But I can no longer afford to be 'unstable' for my son
So I'm doing the best I can
I love you all
xoxo kass <3

Sometimes I stop eating,
just to see if they’ll notice.
Food becomes disgusting-
A horrible punishment,
A twisting of my mind and stomach.

I don’t hate food
I know I need it
Yet I still throw it away,
Hide the meal I never ate

Would they care?
If they saw the untouched plate?

I tell myself I’ll eat tomorrow.
I told myself that yesterday.

I know this isn’t kindness,
to myself.
I know this isn’t strength
It’s just a call for help.

Some days,
I just want someone to notice.
Notice what’s happening.
Notice me.

I never eat at break.
It started with recklesness;
it always starts like that.
Forgetting to pack up food in the mornings
where I could hardly get up.
The first days,
weeks,
months,
I was hungry.
Yet still every morning I forgot,
like an animal surviving in the present would.

Over time,
I forgot hunger too.

It's ******* disturbing.

I wake up tired,
My body aching.
I just stop sleeping.

News, coffee.
Planet encyclopedia,
Thesaurus cigarettes
And dictionary breakfasts.
Slices of rhetoric
With some kind of spread of intellect -
For lunch?
Dissertative sandwiches.

Grains of perspectives
In something over-marinated.
I just stop eating.

It matters not.

Don’t you ever
eat
out of tradition?
Like,
you are not hungry;
but not loaded either.
Your stomach is just
as numb as your heart.

But you still eat,
because food tastes good;
because they sat you down;
because you ought to;
because you’re used to the feeling.

Even when there is no joy
to the taste;
you eat.

Eat,
eat,
eat.

You did it so often
the action
must have lost all its meaning.

Semantic satiation.

And spit it out.

Like a *** of wet paper
Fired straight from a straw

I want to inhale it. Taste it. Swallow it.

Make it take shape in my chest; Douse the fires raging in the bowels of my being as they threaten to burn through, scalding my soft belly like embered iron.

Let me protect you.

I will eat up every last bit of sorrow you hold and endlessly fight for your worth.