I think my pen
is better suited
to long strokes
to graceful arcs
to ink that bleeds across the page
than the shorter marks I make
when I am short with you

The truth is, I’m not really sure who I am.  She told us to draw ourselves and then to draw our souls; so I drew my face scratched and uneven, just as I’ve always seen it, and frowned at the result both in the mirror and on the paper.  The only soul I’ve ever really known was the one that shone through the strokes of the keys I punched, the scrawling of ink on paper in mismatched arrays of awkward thoughts, disorientated and unorganized, shaded different spews of emotion and rearranged through the lens of ever last viewer’s eye.  Even so, this soul that is composed of words that defined me painted a picture vivid in its contrast, though blurry from both afar and close enough to squint, no details able to be made out.  These words that have wrapped around my soul rubbed raw from the time my skin first flinched at the cool March air cannot be deciphered by their author, though I know somehow that their letters flowing into one another say more than any curve of my face ever could.  These words are black and white, two extremes crafted in the pallet of the Universe’s toolshed, and perhaps that’s exactly what I am.  Black or white.  I’m dark and lost and scrounging for some rusting wall or tree branch to cling to as to ensure the shimmering waves, onyx and charcoal in their nature with the flow of blood in its spine, do not flood into my mouth at a rate in which is too quick to balance myself upon them, or, I’m white, drifting snow from a cloud scraping the vast expanse of brilliant blue gazing as a sky above all the world, pure, innocent, unscathed with the potential for creation in vibrancies yet unknown, or to be ripped to bits, scattered amongst piles of cream and autumn leaves drained of their color beneath months of shivering frost.  And so, perhaps any physical representation of my being would be all wrong, because that’s not what I am.  Myself, my soul, it resides in the murky depths of heights I’ve yet to discover, tethered endlessly and uncertain among the caverns of my inners, pink and mushy, stirred and ******, untouched from the harsh light of a world encased in brevity.

Our life
Chronicled by simple drawings on a page
You are the artist
I am the dreamer
And together
The world is ours to explore
So ride with me
On a paper plane
Until the wind dies down
And we are forced to land

I don't want you to ever have to be alone Elizabeth.
I know too many amazing flower shops for you to have your vases in your cabinets.
I have too many wonderful blankets and even better pillows that you should have any trouble sleeping Elizabeth.
I haven't told anyone that you wrote Frankenstein.
I didn't tell them that Mary Shelley was your grandmother Elizabeth.
There's a creperie on Diversey if it's still there.
Do you like caramel Elizabeth?
I once made caramels in a tin *** on an open flame, it tasted like burnt.
What tastes do you remember Elizabeth?
I know too many fantastic places that your eyes should ever be tired, too many places where trees grow that you should have to keep your feet on the ground.
Electricity couldn't ground you Elizabeth.
Mike Tyson should cut off his ears for you.
The hair on your head is too beautiful that you should never have a reason to go out Elizabeth.
I know the magic that comes out of your mouth, you own silence it should never own you.
I was silence Elizabeth.
I was silence and charade and death and alone.
But then I met you Elizabeth, then I met you.
I would take two bullets for you.
Even if you want to hold the gun.

There's a sharp pain in my side, driving me insane,
clicking my back all the time, ouch ouch ouch.
Message from him, a message from her,
they both love me you know, it's pretty awkward.
I have a box on my desk, it's brown and filled up,
nothing good to you maybe, but stuff I treasure a lot.
There's that drawing I did when sleep high,
"Sleep High" is what my friends like to call tired.
Might update another piece of writing today, not sure yet,
I can't believe I've been writing this since 2012.
The cat is so soft, I wanna just snuggle his fur,
I'm trying to think of a song to listen to, but I can't be bothered.

There's a little man on my hand,
on my hand, on my hand.
There's a little man on my hand,
he's jumping on the trampoline.

I constructed my sister’s portrait in three parts:
her eyes painted full color, bright with oil,
nose in colored pencil, a few shades more sallow,
and her mouth lightly smeared No. 2 pencil,

because I wasn’t sure how to form the words
for a police report never filed against you.
And sometimes I pass you on my way to town,
you still driving that ugly, blue pickup
with that same old sneer on your pig-like face--

I want to scream out my window the way I did
when I dreamed you came to me years in the future,
asking how I’ve been, some lame excuse to bury
your immorality with rice-paper niceties. I remember
my throat tore and bled as if I’d swallowed broken
metal wire as I repeated over and again:
Do you know what you did?
Do you know what you caused?

I constructed my sister’s portrait with three bits of paper
ripped apart and glued crudely together again.

Her eyes, wide open,
as they've been drawn to be.
Focused and staring,
but she can't really see.
Sketched with a steady pencil,
held by an unsteady heart,
emotionless and still,
windows too far apart.
Windows to the soul, they say,
windows clouded and opaque.
Windows blurred with drops of rain,
from raging storms on sunny days.
But what good are windows,
when there's nothing there to see?
Windows are just windows
to someone such as she.