Where would I be,
had I decided my fate earlier?
Changing timelines,
feeling sadder,
or maybe not at all;
would my life be nothing
like it is now,
gunking up my flow,
like a wounded baby's crawl?

Would I even be myself?
(Or was I ever really?)
Could I remember how to feel?
(Other than just dreary?)
Should I even bother caring?
(When it calls to me so clearly?)

Well,
they say fate determines all,
others claim free will,
but have they considered
compromising skills?
Because I know I caused my path,
and I made it pre-determined,
as without my desires,
my future isn't certain.
So to question what my past
may have had to offer
is to question my own
mind, self, and author.

how do you become
comfortable with
the bogeyman when
he lives inside your
lungs and brain and heart?
how do you tell him
that your lungs must pump
that your brain don't work
that your heart can't beat?
do you pray to him?
write little notes that
say "please" and "thank you"?
do you beat him til
he gives in and goes?
do you hug him close?
does he know how dark
it is inside there?
can he even leave?
is he permanent?
is he washable?
can you scare him out?
can you swallow down
poison and force him
out of your soft parts?
can you cut him out
with scissors or blades?
can you smoke him out?
can you drink him out?
can you throw him up?
is he there because of you?
do you really want him gone?

One day you will meet someone, whose eyes remind you of the river; deep, blue, and magical. He'll put his hand in yours and you won't know what to say. And the first time you kiss? That's all you'll think about it for the next week.

And one day he'll break your heart.
And you'll cry,
and cry,
and cry. You'll cry into your best friends arms and apologize for leaving her alone. You'll stay up late writing poetry and eating ice cream. You'll see him in the hallways and sigh.

But one day, you will be okay. I promise.

What do you see when you look into my eyes
All the sad truths, all the happy lies
Are those stormy clouds just a reflection
A mirror to disguise my unyielding affection

One step forward two steps back.
So close yet so far apart.
Three’s a crowd, right?

I won’t give up.
On who?
Me? Or her?
Talk tomorrow.
Ok, sure.
But how can we if you won’t reply to me?
I really like her.
Ouch, that one hurt.
I can’t stop thinking about her.
Yep. Still hurts.
Is it worth it?
I want to say no, but it’s not my decision to make.
I want to save her.
Go ahead. But saving her means losing me.

For better or for worse. I can’t breathe.

turquoise jagged blue streaks against her fore-arm, some would believe it to be from the multiple shots of continuous melancholy she swallowed drip by drop almost coloured like the underside of cyan nearly opaque seashells the tone she’d flicker in and out like the rays of light only paler -- in hopes of finding, all the while searching.

searching for what, you question? what to search for, you’ll continue to question without punctuation to cut. you. off. mid. sentence.

she never spoke breath fainter than the splash of dull watercolour you’d leave against your canvas, the one you never brought home.
collecting dust above her eyelids the pair that kept the blackened inverted world shut and disclosed. curtains without colour of any sort be it blue or red, it lacked the hues you could have used when you left home for the weekend.

weekends were fire escapes the kind that you’d paint a shade of moon one that catches like nearly a reflection you were and still are replacing with your shadow the one that darts outta the door each time steps are heard creeping in.

you can’t leave me if it was never meant to be.

it was too dark for me to notice that you were holding my hand ; leading me along the path into the bleakness i thought was all my own
you're lovely but you don't know it
even if the wind was caught in your hair or perhaps the snowflakes were kissing your near-azure lips ; i'd still think of you all the same

i'll light a candle and stay by your backdoor in case you ever need an escape despite the countless times you've told me to stay away
i’ll stay because.
because. well, as bittersweet as it may seem in the eyes of you, you've awoken me from the pits of hell. saved me from the oceans of tears.
the reflection my eyes find themselves watching is much different from the year old pictures hidden away in my closet
different in the good way, in the better person manner. i see light in the darkest hours and yet you constantly fail to realise it.

all you see is the destruction surrounding you and yet you've forgotten how you're the reason why we all still believe
we all still believe in plan b, or an escape exit. because there will always be a way out no matter how deep the trench you find yourself in
you see, you've forgotten. you've forgotten our history, our memories. You've forgotten it all!

You've forgotten me.

and so i'll wait amongst the shadows for you by the door around the back.
the door we both knew about but never used.

baby, let me be your escape plan.