you are utterly torn apart. your heartbeat seems to accelerate but time is trickling to a near complete standstill. are you still in existence? all around you, voices are getting louder; the soft whispers reverberate throughout your numbed, hollowed skull,  and occasional laughter crackles like thunder to your ears. you blink, and with the effort descends a paralysing paroxysm so excruciating you bite your lip, lost and alone.

the feeling overwhelms you. a definite feeling of loneliness, even though you are surrounded by people, by the crowd. a feeling of solitary despair, enveloping your entire being and folding its wings around you. and you shiver, the cold gleam in its eyes piercing right through you while you are at your most vulnerable.

what is happiness? you ponder the question in your subconscious. what is it really? is it a good thing, or is it something that crouches in the corner, always ready to pounce on you and hurl you into the fathomless depths? is it something you would want, something you would embrace, or something you would abandon?

you can feel the weight; the unmistakable pressure of an unidentified burden that is lodged deep in the crevices of your broken heart. your heart— it is a shattered mess blown into smithereens. you know that even if you were to find every shard left, you will never piece it back together, and even if you succeed, it won't be the same.

you are a wreck of sorrow, a maelstrom of uncertainty— abandoned and cast away. joy does not favor you, and hurt is too protective of you; it won't let you go. you are trapped, a definite prisoner within the limits of its palm. and maybe, you don't want to be set free. maybe, this is where you belong— in a world of darkness and misery, where you are tossed about by the storms of a merciless vortex.

the atmosphere is familiar to you, but you'd decided to give light a try. you'd opened your eyes to a possibility of joy— something you'd never had. you'd decided to try to be everything you are not. and in those moments, those transient, evanescent eternities, you thought you'd finally understood what "happiness" means. but you'd been wrong. you'd bitterly realized that you'd never been right about something and that hadn't been an exception. you attempt a laugh but it sounds like a choked sob.

the amaranthine disappointment is suddenly too oppressive for you— you can no longer drag the weight of the chains after a taste of your brief wings of freedom. the difference is too wide, a distance comparable even to the gap between temporariness and perpetuity.

the sky in your world has lost the bright vividness it had for the short stretch of time. time, you realize, is but an illusion. and you wonder, are you living in "time"? if time is an illusion, a fiction of someone's imagintation turned into reality, then where will you be, if not in "time"?

an endless gray drapes over the landscape of your world, condemning your entire universe into unending bleakness. of winters colder than Siberian nights and mornings darker than a void.

you leave footprints in the snow.

but you know that you are torn, broken beyond repair, jaded to the point of no return, and that you've gone further than the lines of belief that marked the boundaries of your once bright soul.

you will no longer believe, you will no longer trust. because you are the essence of sorrow itself, the epitome of despair and hopelessness.

you are what they call "life", and you finally know what "happiness" is.

happiness is a lie; a picturesque delusion of doom, of the dark unknown.

happiness is everything life is not, and it is your enemy.

The pen is mightier
Than the sword
But what to consider
The keyboard?

How many stanzas
Phrases
Words
Must I conflate
To imbue in you
My love?

Is there no panacea,
No way for me to convey
The hold on my soul?
My heart
My being~
Such dulcet thoughts!
Your eyes,
{My cynosure}

Pure felicity
So lovely
A million ships at the ready
The cue being
the sight of your smile.
Helen is such a fugacious
Pipe dream fixation
When compared to your gaze

Until then,
Try as I might,
The depth of my feelings
Remains the deep ocean
Only a ripple wavers
At your knees
The rest waiting
For the Golden Bird
Of language
To release it's curse
Mere English isn't sufficient.

Dabble, Drabble
Play with the rabble

Unafraid, Arrayed
With a naked blade

Fearless, Peerless
After all this time, careless

Sliver, Quiver
Running wild like a river

Cellar, Seller
Wildlands dweller

Rotten, Cotton
All but forgotten

Night, Wight
Bereft of Night

Dream, Gleam
Cold as a mountain stream

Seep, Weep
Time to creep

Breathe, Wreathe
All alone you seethe

So it's my birthday.
And all I want is to hear from you.
And to know that you're okay.
Maybe you hate me now.
Or forgot I ever existed.
But something about this day.
Has to remind you of me.
Right?

Is it strange for me to say
That with the passing of
Yet another year
I’m most certainly young but I feel
Old?

So much as occurred since passing
That simple little thirteen
Quite literally
Cancer, Sexuality, Grades
But also figuratively I suppose

Even in youth it seems
That I bear so many more scars and wrinkles
And so much more knowledge
Than my peers
It’s as if I’ll need a walker soon

My thoughts
Musings and views
They’re a train
A bullet train
And they’re driving
Steaming along
Steering straight only
To hit another train
That smashes it all to pieces
Everything I’d thought
I finally had figured out
Shattered quite plainly
Making me realize how
Foolish I was for thinking
I had even the one proper theory
On how the whole world works
How absurd

Burns like whiskey, Tastes like ash
How do you bury the lost and past?
Vaguely haunting gossamer dreams
Reality fraying at its seams.
When the sticky sweet face melts away
What cruel intentions are left to stay?

What do you see when you look into my eyes
All the sad truths, all the happy lies
Are those stormy clouds just a reflection
A mirror to disguise my unyielding affection

dimble dumble,
caught a, thimble thumble
of precious morning dew.

dimble dumble, took his thumble thimble,
full up to rimful.
on his nimble rambull
wooly stu,
careful not to lose,
a drippity drop
of the delicious dew.

they flimble, flambled,
up and overed,
down and undered,
till dimble dumble,
with his thimble thumble, filled to rimful,
on the wooly rambull... came to stumble.

his face a crumble,
as the rimful,
roamed and overflew,
the thimble thumble walls.
a dribble drabble did scribble scrabble,
down the rambulls hide.

dimble dumble
chewed his bottom lip
and cried.
"do not fret my little pet, look there is still enough inside"
wooly stu decried.
"i'll be more staid,as we ride our fortunes, soon will be made."

so,dimble dumble
and his rambull crew,
with thimble thumble recovered,
from the tumble.

on they skedoodledaddled. being careful to protect the remaining morning petal's dew.
after a while, time,
flew with dove like grace and dimble dumble,
with his dudes came
to the the very place, of the rimble romble rumble
and royal rapture rap parade

dimble dumble
and rambull stu on bended knee
and really humble
presented their
thimble thumble
not quiet full to rim still
but delicious and felitious morning dew
to the king awaiting
his purchase and perview.

before its spoiling,
it was boiling,
his kettle singing,
songs a ringing,
to the beauteous,
but not so bountious, morning dew.

dimble dumble
watched the
thimble thumble steam
and bubble blip away.
hands flipping flapping
nose jinkling wrinkling
as the fog blew,
his way boiling dew,
tea leaves darjeeling
with daphne blossoms
was the flavour of the day.

dimble dumble
with thimble thumble
empty now
and too, wooly stu
caught a peek of teacups platinum
holding royal blossom brew before the butler,
with a silly stutter,
sent them on their way,
with dimble dumble
all a fumble,
with a thimble thumble
of goldenboldens,
as his hard work's
reward that day.

And as I called out
Into the shadowed evening
It was your name
That leapt up off my lips
Ran out into the gloom
Rushing to find you there
And bring you safe to me