Reality slaps
and I share
a form of
sadistic pleasure
that I seem
to seek
over and over
again

Perhaps I should move on this time...

     You keep telling me to "do me" and all I can think in return is "go **** yourself".

I don't want to fix me. That's why I picked you, don't you see?
I do now, with clarity.

I get so sick of examining myself that I'll pick a girl off the bottom shelf.
A fixer upper- a lost cause case.
Some deplorable skirt to chase.

I'll focus on you- I'll pick and mend; so I've no time to look within.
I'll build you up, I'll build you tall. Wretched me-I'll just crawl.

I put all this work into you and now you're strong, beautiful, and proud, standing loudly above the crowd.

But please don't dare return such grace. Don't give me time, love, or encouragement.
Save face...

Get ******* noble on me. I built you up too tall, you see. I'm still down here?
The foundation to your tower.
The minutes into your hour.
I'm the dirt and you're the flower.

I'm the roots unto your tree.
I fed you, gave you light, and set you free.
And what I get is just "Do me"?
I wish it were that easy...

Had I done that, you wouldn't be in such a fine ******* position to sling clichés and I wouldn't be in the gutter where you once laid.

Perhaps you're right...
I obviously need some work done. But ******* for taking all and giving none.

You were like a natural disaster to our lives.

While we played in a field.

No warning.

You appeared...

You struck and we lay scattered on that field...

In tears.

Confused.

In pain.

Broken inside out.

No longer just children.

Victims to young to understand that we were forever changed.

To young to understand why we felt ***** and guilty.

The threats and fear, made us silent...

Fear and interrogation made me lie.

You left us in that open space forever, no matter where we went.

And our lives were taken...

Our parents were broken, because parents break when thier children are hurt.

And my lie...

My lie forever changed my protectors life.

My fear made me hurt another.

We were so young...

Some not old enough for school.

Our fear allowed the disaster to strike others...

Now as adults we know a new guilt.

But we were so young.

This very unnatural disaster still walks the earth...

Somebody gives this pervert comfort...

But we are forever changed.

Stronger today, yes...

But never again as free as before he stole our innocence.

This disaster turned our world upside down, and revisited us for years taking more of us each time he put his disgusting hands on us.

I'm not to religious, but I believe in God.

I have yet to know the reason for this, except that we are great protective parents...

And as I believe there's a God...

I know there is also a hell.

And while God tells us to forgive...

I have yet to forgive even myself for being so full of fear, because it allowed him to walk free and hurt us again and again, and others through time.

There is no part of us sacred or untouched by that evil...

No matter who knows our story, there's no person not even eachother who understands the depth of our individual torment.

The unfair torture of feeling an isolated, unexplainable, personal  taste of evil.

Like a natural disaster, he struck us down...

Children at play made victims of a child molester.

Survivor's!

Of a sick family member's distgusting taste for extremely young children.

We can't say we are ok.

We refuse to say you are anything more then a creature that has not yet met God's wrath.

And dare not say, you to know abuse...

Dare not say you found God...

God and abuse will find you when your six feet under.

I know I sin as I write this...

But to forgive...

As a mother myself...

Well that's it's not in me.

Do unto others...

Do unto others, that's how I live.

soft asphalt hills
breathe your way
in burgundy sleeves
frayed rusted shoefoil
of cobbled years

scatter your papers
march aniseed dreams
indent the sandstone wall
with your ha'penny smile

you, too, were a child of bones
upon the sea of bleached clay
ground saul and peter
breath of crimson lines

learning to crawl
through leather-bound walls
but getting caught
coiled on the grief
of noontide pebbles

the misery of whim
quiet dignity of nothing
gentle pride of the abyss

find cheap relief
in twelve chamber meals
lard and mushy peas in
tiled up garden rows

worn down by
the soft focus sun
passing by

call for your step daughter
sit her down
comb her hair
peel her clothes
like mandarin folds

a tar voyeurism
bored of lust
but locked in cruelty
out of old habit

admit it,
don't you want to
burn the beds
just to see whose sleeping?
to find your face,
among the retreating blisters?

a shallow water charlatan
slice off your wings
feed them to your pets,
laugh as they choke
on feathers and blood

  just like
the gulls outside,
always humming the same **** tune
for generation after generation,

yet still
they go out to sea to die

I am feeling something
A lot of something
From love to lust, to hatred to disgust
Disgust in how you looked at me with your beautiful eyes
Disgust in how you treated me, ignoring me time after time
Disgust because I do not care, I just want you near
I want you here, I want you close and I want you now
I miss you and I am disgusted that I do

My existence becomes hard to stomach
Then I get sick from all the running
If I never loved it wouldn’t be anything at all
If I never cared I would never fall

I find society’s mess overwhelming
like a water well filled with mud
When will I draw out a clean bucket?
I’m so thirsty, but I guess just **** it.

writhing and bawling on the bathroom floor
This is the life
bleeding my feelings beneath the mask of a *****
Poison my dreams with a slow-working cancer
This is the life
Just to find death’s the only answer.

Every time we meet
I feel like I need disinfectant.
Every time we talk,
I feel like I need to talk to the father and ask for redemption.
Every time I see you,
I want to close them shut and never wake up.
You ****** me over too many times before.
You seem to think that you can move me like a *****.
Well,
I'm not your little **** boi
You think you have such power,
***** you're nothing to me
I wish I could find
this thing you made me lose inside.
I wish I could forget
there ever was an us
Because I like it much better
just being alone.
Away from you.
You are infected,
evil,
and a nervous wreck.
Someone needs to get you a life,
lord knows you can't do it on your own.
just talking about you makes me crave lysol.
Look,
I'm sorry to be bashing on you,
but this is necessary
in order to forget
everything you ever were
You call me a ******,
but honey,
I've been called WAY worse.
I've been called your boyfriend.
And that beats any sting you can inflict.
You are the lowest of the low,
Im glad I was able to get away
cuz *****,
I wouldn't wish you upon my greatest enemy.
I seriously need to see a shrink
after you.
You caused me so many problems.
I kept going back.
how could I be so dumb?
Answer
because you made me believe you loved me,
only to drop me like a sack of bricks
I have finally gotten over you.
But the disgust still lingers
I would shake your hand and say goodbye,
*but then I'd need to buy more disinfectant