To have had and to have lost
Is so much worse
Than to have never had at all
When never having had at first
Would've spared a tragic fall
I will find a way to wipe you from my memory eventually. Until then, a poem.
If you're going to keep my heart
Just take my body too
This heaping measly bag of bones
Is what I've worn down to
Every sense I had to feel
I gave them all to you
That brain does all the thinking
Thinking thoughts of you
Those ears only play tricks on me
In silence I hear you
This touch that once explored your frame
I find reaching out to you
That nose that longed to brush your cheek
Now smells only your perfume
Those eyes the window deep into
The only one thing I can't get back from you
I know I'm in rags
But I gave all that I had
And I'm finding myself senseless
Me sitting in a chair with my usual poor posture
-we'll call this rest.
Behind me, a beautiful white ****** canvas
-we'll call this potential.
A shotgun loaded with paintbrushes
-we'll call this the medium.
Barrel in my mouth, the trigger clicks, then
-we'll call this expression.
Look past my limp soulless body to the now finished canvas. What do you think?
-we'll call this interpretation.
The reds are deep and the blues are true; little chunks of grey matter
-we'll call this promise.
However, it all dries black in the end
-we'll call this accurate.
Me still alive in my chair staring at the wall. Pen in my mouth. Ink in my teeth
-we'll call this gnashing insignificance.
I want to die often but tend to end up living instead.
Misery my muse,
Why doest thou so abuse?
Nary a bright young line to lend;
This dark and suffered view.
My Id must be a sadist and my ego a *******.
Perhaps I should move on this time...
You keep telling me to "do me" and all I can think in return is "go **** yourself".
I don't want to fix me. That's why I picked you, don't you see?
I do now, with clarity.
I get so sick of examining myself that I'll pick a girl off the bottom shelf.
A fixer upper- a lost cause case.
Some deplorable skirt to chase.
I'll focus on you- I'll pick and mend; so I've no time to look within.
I'll build you up, I'll build you tall. Wretched me-I'll just crawl.
I put all this work into you and now you're strong, beautiful, and proud, standing loudly above the crowd.
But please don't dare return such grace. Don't give me time, love, or encouragement.
Get ******* noble on me. I built you up too tall, you see. I'm still down here?
The foundation to your tower.
The minutes into your hour.
I'm the dirt and you're the flower.
I'm the roots unto your tree.
I fed you, gave you light, and set you free.
And what I get is just "Do me"?
I wish it were that easy...
Had I done that, you wouldn't be in such a fine ******* position to sling clichés and I wouldn't be in the gutter where you once laid.
Perhaps you're right...
I obviously need some work done. But ******* for taking all and giving none.
Despite the heart which is froze
Hatred runs fluidly
Like the water in shattered glass
Like the blood in broken bones
Like the flames in our homes
It speaks to me
Like drugs to an addict
When it tells me to shoot
I relapse and
aim for the sky
In spite of my own humility
Hatred runs deeply
Like the roots beneath the dirt
Like the pain beyond the hurt
Like this poem before your eyes
Way too many lies
And so little truth
I hate beautiful
It cripples me deeply
For you are my pity
My pain and their pleasure
When I am high
I'll collapse and fall
Far from this place
Of rotten bliss
Look at me
Blood misrepresents me
For I am cut differently
This pain isn't felt
Like the emptiness
Residing in your cup
It is felt
Like a toxic
Living inside the gut
Like these words
Towards the stomach
Although this addiction kills me
Hatred is also the remedy
It is all I need to truly appreciate
The little love I have left.