In your absence,
I have learned many a thing on my own:
How to feed a family,
How to dress a wound,
How to console the broken-hearted,
How to press a shirt,
How to count by fives,
What creams to apply for itchy hives,
How to listen for cars on the road,
How to lighten a parental load.
Physically you were there,
But not as a loving unit,
More like aberrations,
You sat there in your depression,
On your king sized bed,
Time slipped by,
Many nights I sat alone and cried.
Now you don't know your twenty-something daughter.
In your presence I learned to love,
In a warped and twisted manner.
A trail of men lay lifeless behind me,
Bodies twisted, faces contorted in agony,
I ****** them dry,
My life has too much turmoil for most to bear,
But that's alright, I'm used to people not being there.
You fantasize about a relationship with me,
But it's too late,
I'm the daughter you refused to see.
These showers of praise from you are lies from snakes,
A few dollars here and there is all you think it takes,
To undo a life of torment,
Well...
You are mistaken.
In your absence I have learned many a thing,
How to hold a hand,
How to speak my mind,
How tightly abandonment actually binds.

It was a merry-go-round.
I was gambling on the animals.
There was something more,
Going on between us.
A faint flutter of discontent
As I laughed astride a Tiger,
Ready to battle.
I’m not making any demands.
Complete surrender is all I’ll take.

The piano was just a sound,
The drawings could never cry,
The kisses were never close enough,
And the words are never right,

The pull and drill of whispers,
Their dance inside my head,
Cold claws in cords of steel,
Reaching through the cracks in my skull,

The medium is never enough,
The emotion is an ocean of expression,
This tiny tub is too full of water,
Sinking under the raging surface,

Why so much pain,
So much blanketing loneliness,
This ache for more,
This lust for more,

To have back what was stolen,
To take what will never be mine,
To love in endless romance,
To drink in smooth recline,

Boom,
Snap,
Crack,
Break,

The ugly crooked grin,
The ***** air so thin,
The putrid water taking over me,
The sky so bleak and gone,

Where is all the love,
Where is all the peace,

“Happiness is a sweet, sticky, toffee–  
Flavored mess.” His words ghosted in my ears.

“And I’m discontent, here in this abbey,
To sit and wait for your unhappy fears.
I’d much rather have peppermint kisses,
Sharp and pricking sweet on your supple tongue.”
My voice: bold, unfazed by his many faces.

His laughter filled the still space and rung,
Alarm bells of impending disaster.
Unsure of the steps, we, unfaltering,
Continued on; trusting in our anger
So we might wake.  

How long were we sleeping?
Forget rose-colored glasses! I wanted
To see us in all our colors faded.

Dissatisfaction sits begrudgingly in the pit of my stomach
and continues to remind me of
all the things
all the things I have strive for and missed every ball I dropped
every **** boy I kissed

Dissatisfaction makes a hideaway in my being
burrows in deep and starts to clinging
and I try to cover it up for people
because it's not worth seeing
but you can believe it

I'm a human being in this life
but where is the meaning
I've got all this pinned up strife
& the insides of my mind could use a deep cleaning
The whereabouts of my breakthrough is unknown
if it even exists
maybe if I just speak it enough into existence it'll be fixed
I suppose only God knows
but I'm not so sure if he hears my woes

Dissatisfaction is taking over
it's laying claim to my brain
it's settling into my pores
and I just want to stay sane

We are only drowning
                       in shallow waters
if we don't come up for air..
But if we look above the surface,
               we find there is more left to breath.
We just have to look above the waves
                                            of our own discontent.

I knew I should be alone
after the torment meant for me
had gone on and on and on and on
'til loud 2:46 a.m. was freed.
I searched for something to fill the void
that toyed with whatever mind I had left.
I opened cans, broke bottles, and soiled
what good I had left when you left.
So I met this one who unfurled and quizzed me to death.
And I loved her laughter, and she said, "Suddenly,
"I miss you when I'm not near you. My breath
"feels incomplete when I linger . . . without you."
And I thought, Finally, happiness is no afterthought;
but still I was empty as a camel thirsting
in the Sahara, groveling, with no life bought,
even in the oasis that was burning through this rot.
And then this amazing girl came right in front of me,
came on my face, and came on my crotch;
but I was emptier than a lonely pier out at sea.
I knew then this new sin she and I shared was botched
from the start when I said, "Hello,
"may I enchant you sometime?"
And over time I grew hollow, more hollow,
most hollow, when she tells me "You're all mine."
You haunt me still in my sleep and in the quiet;
your image seared right into my skin.
And I no longer have the will to calm this riot,
your voice embedded deep within.
It's 12:24 a.m., and my being yearns to feel hers,
but my heart belongs to someone else.
I see her for her in the dourest hours,
but yours is my birthright, and I haven't felt myself
being—trying to feel—all right.

All the same eyes, same minds,
in all the same places -
day in, day out -
casting their sparks
of doubt or defiance,
never bothering to question
what either is aimed at.

I think too much,
much too much,
that I know;
guilt, sadness, worry all wash over me

and yet I am decidedly
content
I present myself as thoughtful
yet happy and if anything,
a bit dull

at the minute,
i'm running away from my head,
from my dreams,
from my plaguing personality,
rotting away at those I love,

let me tell you something,
there's a place I'd like to be right now,
and it's alone,
with my fingers and toes and inner thighs just
tingling.