I've been on a journey
to the depths of my own
                                            mind.

i didn't like what i

l
e
  a
   r
    n
     e
      d

but i know it was needed.

                          I've been (dis)connected

up, down,up ,down u,p ,down

in (a)n(d) out

blur is what i see.

i know ::myself:: better now

we journeyed through seven seas
love gave you sea sickness
you wouldn't grab my hand
yet you touched my skin
i let you fall
and you froze into the ocean behind me
you were never my Jack
you were the glacier that sank your own ship
the shot that missed your ear
I was the diver, and you, the shark outside my cage
wanting my blood
only to discard my bones
you had me
disgusted
ashamed
disappointed
****** up

Theres a disconnect right now from me and my relationships
But its just me
Its always just me
Its always just my head getting in the way of everything
I can’t be happy for too long before depression misses the stage
I can’t be calm for too long before anxiety decides to shine a light
And I can’t ever focus because adhd is just bouncing around
I’m incapable of thinking and feeling happiness
Because every time I do
I just shut it down
I’m so scared of new feelings and I’ve had depression my whole life
My depression has become my sleeping blanket
Its black and soft and darkens my world
But I keep it because my mother gave it to me when I was young
I used to be young
I used to see a future
But now all I see is a funeral for a girl who aged 20
Barely made it through university before deciding to take her life
Life is just so hard and stressful and I’m only 17
I’ve had depression my whole life and growing old just seems like a waste of time
Everything is a waste of time because even me breathing is a waste of breath
Everyone says that I shouldn’t deny the world of my greatness
But what if I lose the fake smile
What if I lose to ability to get out of bed
Because its 9pm right now and I already don’t wanna see the morning
I haven’t written in a month because my boyfriend is just always around
But now that its winter and he’s busy, I write again
I write about suicide
I write about depression
I write about anxiety
I write about adhd
But writing or talking or cuddling will never make it go away
My family will always be in the dark to how much I wanna die
My boyfriend will always push away the thought of me dying and avoid the topic because this actually scares him
My friends will always be worried when going to bed, that I’m not going to say ‘good morning’ the next day
I am just a burden
But I’m a burden who’s trying to stay alive but I think I’m failing

The boy was driving out
Before he forgot himself
“What did I believe”, he cried out,
“On the bookshelf?”

But it was awful chilly, it was
For an afternoon
So he turned to friends, but spoke none 'cause
A mouth don’t fit on a loon

Biding time with a droopy eye
And changed his name again
Goes by a fool with a cool catch
To earn his name on cement

He is the son of summer
Winter at his feet
Doesn't remember forgetting his innocence
No matter who he meets

Yes, ma'am, thats's a dual voice you hear
He seeks high fidelity
Fully faithful, a sun-fearing queer
The caricature to be

On the stage, the things that he wrote
Those memories bygone
Come crashing down on him and he can't emote
The clown's not having fun

Finding time with a droopy eye
And changed his name yet again
Goes by a fool with a cool catch
To earn his name on cement

He is the son of summer
Winter at his feet
Doesn't remember forgetting his innocence
No matter who he meets

Praise be to cherry pie
And all the faces that made me feel that I
Could settle on "by and by"

Praise be to anyone
That put me under the blistering sun
I'll get back there, its true

I just got more to do

Your hands around my waist,
heart synchronised to mine
          Captivated

Your fingers run through my hair,
radiating sunbeams of smiles
           Rapturous

You watch sunbeams dance in my curls,
body still as a winter's day
          Enthralled

You stare straight into my eyes,
your soul connects - to mine
          Serene

I turn my callous back, then
turn my face to you
          Nothing

The internet is slow
and people keep
disconnecting
Bubbles of self importance
Removed from humanity
The world crumbles
and there’s concern
over a mistakenly made
overpriced coffee
First world problems
focused on the
wrong crisis

Gray shapes moved through blue fields,
and foothills faded to starry skies.
She’d traveled there and back again,
yearning through the kitchen window.
Beyond the lawn and chalky curb,
Over boxes full of tiny people,
To the edge of the horizon and back to here.

He was talking still somewhere.
Lips and teeth and tongue and clicks and clacks.
There was speech and sound but mostly noise,
And she wondered when it would all end,
and then it did.
And it was quiet,
But there was no calm.

Don't you get it?
we sweat it
they get it all


I won't give in
and
be a cog in their wheels
but
it feels like I'm pushing up daisies,
I'm not yet pushing twenty
years

why is it they got plenty and
I have porridge for breakfast?

Fears for the future
and it doesn't exist
yet,
it might never

we might sever all connection with
what makes us human.

This must be the dislocate
it cannot be fate,
perhaps
I've tuned out from the show
does anyone else know
what frequency we're on?