A pity party is what
I call this sad affair,
No matter what I say or do
nothing seems fair,

The world is an ever
disappointing place,
None understand or even care
All turning out to be a despicable race,

I'm alone, tears running
down my face,
And it seems everything
is such a menace,

For a soul to understand
it would be quite rare,
For now I'll just sit and sob
in my own depressing lair.

Here its warming hold takes grip
Safety upon a sinking ship.
Here I feel its calming heat
As underneath, my life would sink.
Here it starts to drag me down,
Far into the azure underground,
For a life jacket cannot rise
Towing me towards the skies.
I sank beneath the ocean blue
My bomber pulled me to my doom.

She attempted to burn her skin with the mere faucet
But no matter how warm the water became
the only marks on her skin were those previously left
by the hands of the rusty blade - hidden deep within her nightmares

She lay naked on the shower floor
****** legs and ****** arms spread out in front of her
and only she could make out the difference
between her tears and the running water

This child knew in that moment
that her every second on this earth had been a waste.
If only her mother, or the man that claimed to love her
knew just how empty she could feel
they would surely want no part in her disasterous real

So she lay down in the shower
as the water ran cold
and prayed for it drown her
with the small hope that there was still a God to show

I was like a sock in a washing machine I was able to grab air,
Or what was at least a substance I could breath in. I coughed
With each breathe, but at least I wasn't with those now
Floating by like the river sticks. So many like stepping stones
I could have made my way across to the buildings that weren't
Hollow carcasses emptied on to the city for all to view upon.

I picked my self up on to a car, a tomb should I say, silent faces
Looked back at me eyes wide open water splashing on their
Hair floating like medusas snakes, but the only stone was their
Looks frozen in that moment where everything just stopped but
Moved so fast. I sit as it floats past 5th avenue, I just sat silently.

15.07.2016
"Well ladies and gentlemen they have solved the energy needs
With now what is being hailed as the new energy that will propel
Us to a new age of travel above and beyond the earth,

17.07.216 08:30am
"Please If you listening to this broadcast get out of the coastal cites,
It has been a day since they turned it on and with in moments it
Went to critical mass as they tested it on the ocean.

17.07.2016 10:30am
"Dear god what have they done this is unprecedented in its scale.
We have been told that due to the location of the project their were
Some unknown variables that were ignored. We believe that volcanic
Vents were below the test area and bombarding surrounding area of
Ocean with a low level previously unknown radiation that when
In contact with humans does no harm but the system amplified it
And is now in critical mass stage over to our eye in the sky,

"Hi Jean well were as near as we can get but all looks calm at
The moment, we have been told they finally have it contained
And that we shouldn't worry  "O MY GOD ITS REALLY HAPPENIN.........,

"Jean, jean je.........

That was two hours ago, seems like a month already. But only
Two hours? As I hear it spread across the ocean like a ripple,
Anything within a thousand miles was ash, lucky *******.
The EMP wave ricocheted around the planet taking all electrical
Systems out in every part of the globe. Those lucky enough to
Have protected their systems may have a small chance a small one.

I look around and see the dominos of builds grand in the vertical
Stance now toppled like broken branches resting on each other.
Waiting for that gust to finally take them to the ground in a
culmination of its final rumblings of death taken the saplings around
Down with it.

The car collides with a sign post, it reaches towards the window.
As I climb up it finally sinks to where ever its journey takes those to
their final resting place. I walk up the flights of stars and stop to
Take in the view. A tear drops from my eye, and I wonder what
Will happen. Will I survive this new city of the dead or join them.

There are earthquakes
And landslides
There are floods
And hurricanes
There are car crashes
And forest fires

And then there's us

You my dear are my
Beautiful Distaster
Your beauty bounds me
But you are a tornado through my soul

A swarm of angry gulls
is whirling overhead.
Our breaths both reek of ***.
And there's a fire on the deck.

Baby, grab what you can while the grabbing's good.
We misread all the maps and we misunderstood
the pulling of the currents in our poison blood.
                    So we'll split up
                the spoils in the hold.

     Yeah, then we'll send this ****** below.

I'm laughing in the rain,
drinking in the Crow's Nest.
You're inhaling all the smoke
from the flames down on the deck.

You're crying in the wind.
I'm leaping in the drink.
You're tangled in the rigging ain't ya, babe?
This ship's begun to sink.

You're always ******. I'm sick
            of your ****.
So let's raid this leaky schooner,
then we'll scuttle it.

Baby, grab what you can while the grabbing's up.
We ****** up reading stars and the compass now.
Avowed we'd only drift until the tide went out.
But we're lost and favored winds ain't enough.

Buddy, grab what you can while the grabbing's good.
We misread all the maps and we misunderstood
the torrents and the waves in our raging blood.
                    So let's split up
          all the plunder in the hold.

     And then we'll send this ****** below.

I couldn’t help myself.
Digging my nails into myself wasn’t enough.

I didn’t want to bite my lip because in a few  days,
I’d be swapping spit with a stranger and I would have
No idea where he’d have been.

I squeezed down on my fingers,
And for a second
I thought I might snap one.

In my head, I was falling.
Even though he walked over
Placed his hand on my thigh,
Even though part of me wanted
To melt
And
Dissolve into his arms,
My mind was a million miles away.

Even as he bent over to look at me,
My eyes would not…
Could not...
Make contact.

He was just a blur.

I knew I was somehow holding my breath
And hyperventilating at the same time.

Was it really such a big deal?
So he woke me up and said some choice words.

Was he even yelling at me?

It felt like he was.

Ripped from nightmare to awaken into another.

It was everything I had not to lock myself in the bathroom,
And by lock, I mean...
Stuffing a towel into the hole where the doorknob was supposed to be, Pushing my back against the door
In a feeble attempt
To create some distance between me and the monster.

But besides the fact he could easily push the door open,
I wasn’t sure if the monster I was referring to was him.
Or within me.

The tissues piled up as I discreetly wiped my tears.
Don’t give him the pleasure of knowing he broke you.
But he knew
I stared blankly at the laptop in front of me,
Tabs open to self-harm help sites.
But I was just absent-mindedly scrolling,
The words barely sinking in.

Was I waiting for the moment to pass?
Or for him to leave me alone for a few seconds?

Somewhere in the distance an exasperated sigh
Signaled he’d grown weary of caring.
Or pretending to care.

My mind raced back and forth
Between demonizing him
And demonizing myself.

I heard the footsteps go down the stairs,
A fridge door open…
Then close.

And when the smell of food wafted up to where I sat, shaking..
I realized I’d be going hungry today.

But it didn’t seem to matter.

What mattered was the space I now had.

He had said I was bright red,
But  I could feel the color draining out of my face
As I held the lit lighter at an angle.

In this position,
The flames licked the metal,
Heating it to a purposeful degree.

Time slowed down.
As I lowered the cheap 7-11 Bic to my skin,
I made the conscious decision to choose an area I could cover.

Contact!
Chills suddenly trickled down my spine,
Every neuron ablaze,
And for a brief second:
Bliss.
Relief.
Release
Relapse.
.
It was nowhere near as good as a blade.
But I couldn’t afford more scars.
At least not the kind that would take weeks to heal.

I pulled the blanket
The one I had made before my grandmothers death,
Around my shoulders.
Lit the green trinket again,
Kissed it to the skin of my ankle.

Once.
Twice.
Three times.

By the fourth I knew I had to stop.
Not because I’d be caught.
No he was downstairs
Enjoying the food I slaved away to make yesterday.
I was convinced none would be saved for me....

I had to stop because I could feel myself ramping up and the goal was discretion.
Lest I be accused of trying to manipulate him.
The pain radiated upwards, a warm stab against chilled skin.

Suddenly, I was exhausted.
I wanted to close my eyes and sleep.
Instead, I took a swig from the bottle
Nestled against the foot of the bed.
Silence fell over the house, and even though
At the edges of my consciousness
I could pick up on the low tones of conversation,
The buzzing in my ears drowned out those nuances.

“Maybe I should just lay down for a second.”

Time passed, and once again he was in the room.
Despite hearing him come in, I still jumped when he touched me.
I forced myself to direct my gaze, but it all felt empty.
Words were coming out of his mouth.
Where they questions?
He was calling me weird.
Telling me how I was bringing down the energy in the room with my depression.

He asked me  something and I nodded.
Once.
Twice.

Suddenly he disappeared.

He seemed happy.
Like in some twisted way, my brokenness brought him joy.
Squirreled himself away
In the bathroom I had original wanted to esape to.

I wondered...
If he was ******* to the idea of my wanting to **** myself.

I shook the thought off.
It wouldn’t be surprising.
It didn’t make a difference.

I couldn’t tell how many minutes bled away, but I eventually arose.
Tossed off the covers.
Lit a cigarette.
And allowed the numbness to take over.

As badly as I wanted to sleep, I knew dreams would offer no respite.
My mind merely cycled
Through suicidal scenarios I could not give into.

This is reality.
The last few days were an illusion.
I wish I was brave enough to draw a last breath,
but knew I had no option but to keep living.

Our story that I tried so hard to write is coming to a close, babe you were my stronghold that my heart has now foreclosed.

I tried so hard to perfect the things we did and what we said, I wrote the letters over and over until I wished I was dead.

Page after page I would erase and rewrite, sentence after sentence my heart had less light.

You walked all over the pages and ripped out your favorite parts, you folded all the edges and broke my helpless heart.

I would come in running after you cleaning your mistakes, accepting your apologies I never realized you were fake.

You blamed me for your madness and said I was no good, but truly it was your fault cause I did all I could.

You broke all my smiles and you turned them to frowns, you took my happy life and turned it upside down.

I can’t take the pain you caused me or the images you left in my head, they all used to be happy until you said you loved her instead.

My fairytale ending wasn’t what I'd expected, I guess our love was never perfected.

I’m okay now we can say goodbye, I’m happy you left me, but the memories will always be mine.