it makes me too sad
i can't hold your hand
yesterday you wouldn't look at me
and today i feel you disappearing
i remember when you were nice
hold me tight, 'i love you, good night'
don't go, just don't go
you always wanted me close
tonight i sit on the couch by your side
we're watching a stupid movie but you aren't listening
and all i want to do is shrink and fade
into this dark room
you won't notice, you won't see
you're not listening
you're not hearing me
you'll say soon, 'let's go to bed'
and you'll want to have ***
and you'll hold me close for a brief moment
before drifting off
and i'll lay here awake
with the tv playing on in the background
thinking of all the wrong things
i've done this week
when i was trying, to not get in your way
(i don't want you to hate me)
do you want to go away?
i always told you that i was a ghost
and now around you, i truly feel like one
i'm so cold and so alone
you're right here
but you don't want me near
can we restart?
i'll be perfect, just as i was
before the bad things came out
and i am screaming at them to die
when all i want to do is die
and i need you
but you can't see
you're not listening
you're not hearing me

After thinking long and hard,
Of what I'd wish upon a star,
Now the decision is very clear,
But how does one wish for darkness and fear,
My life has been cloudy and left out in the rain,
I've hit to many stops signs,
Its become Grotius when falling not feeling a thing,
Not brave enough to do it myself,
Only a wish that I wish for myself,
Darkness as my eyes close,
I begin to freeze,
Into a deep sleep which then I'll disappear,
No more heart break,
No more tears and definitely no more fears,
No more pain not a worry,
Only a memory that will become blurry,
But then at least my life will finally get to end,
Especially when this life is over and my new one gets to begin,
But that's like asking for rain without thunder but you always will get the sun,
So let my life be over,
So Reincarnation can start over.

I first felt it in the morning
My fear progressed with the day
I knew behind me something was creeping
Why won’t it go away?
No matter how fast I ran I could not escape it-
It would not escape me.
It must be amused at my lack of wit
I can’t figure out how to flee.
I run in circles and cut corners
I try to hide but everything seems sheer
I am about to exceed my own fearsome borders
When will the feeling disappear?
As night comes the darkness takes over
Still afraid, but in this I’m not alone.
My stalker can no longer hover
Now that the sun is no longer shown

My memory is damaged and short lived
But when you're scent became a drift
I looked out my window
Hoping you would be there
Your scent so powerful
INHALE
____________
It revived our last call to my mind
You told me it would be fine
I told you it was going to be like the movies
And that I would be your beauty
But
The rain has stopped
The pain is real
And
I missed your kiss
Where has my beast disappeared
_________
As I look out my window
It begins again.
I hear the dance
drip
drop
drip
drop
Like the sound of a clock
The rain has come back
For a second chance

When you notice me staring into nothingness,
Do not call me back,
I am trying to imagine a better day.

When you see me write incoherent words,
Do not ask me for their meaning,
I am trying to make sense of these thoughts inside my head.

When you see my nails sink into my arms,
Do not tell me to stop,
I just long to feel something that's not emptiness.

When you see me tugging at my clothes,
Do not ask me why,
I am just nervous of what people may think of me.

When you see me walking alone,
Do not come to my side or try to reach me,
I'm just trying to calm myself down.

If you ever see marks or bruises on my body,
Do not ask what has happened
Because I do not know myself.

If you ever see cuts or scars on my arms,
Do not pretend you know how it feels,
I'm not looking for your sympathy, I just need a release.

If you ever see my body tremble,
Please do not ask me why,
I am willing myself to just stop and breathe.

If you ever see me rocking myself,
Please do not make your jokes,
I just need to feel comforted at times.

If I ever arrive late,
Do not ask me where I have been,
I was busy trying to control the urges.

If I ever seem distant with you,
Please do not ask me what I'm thinking,
I am probably just wanting to disappear.

If I ever say I do not care,
Do not be fooled,
I am just probably tired of hearing these 'jokes'.

If I ever make a mess of things (like usual),
Do not yell at me or make me feel small,
I will clean up my mistakes, it just takes time.

If I ever hurt you,
Do not hate me,
Sometimes I just forget how to act.

If I ever cry on your shoulder,
Do not be uncomfortable,
It just means I am comfortable with you.

Please do not ask me if I am okay
Because I am never okay.
I am just surviving.

Please do not try to figure me out,
I am only human,
I just like secrets.

Please do not try to hug or touch me,
It makes my skin crawl,
I am not used to that touch.

Please do not try to comfort me,
Its not helping.
Just stay within reach, stay quiet,
Empty your mind of doubt.

If I'm ever crying or just being dumb
And I tell you to leave me alone,
Don't...I'm just too scared to admit I need you.
I need you to hold me when I feel so broken.

I've loved you too hard.
It WAS your fault.
You gave me everything I needed.
Heart turned mush, most would revolt.

I loved you too hard.
And you told me you loved me more.
But what am I to do with this.
A heart petrified and sore.

I've loved you too.
And you gave it back times four.
A heart unloved.
You returned it to the store.

I loved you.
I cared for you more than self.
Demons nawing at my will.
Im unable to release you, help.

I love you.

You are grey and boring
And slowly fading
Like old paint,
Like a dream at dawn.
You are disappearing
Into darkness
Like a shadow on the wall.
You are vanishing
Like the sound of your voice
Saying I want you,
Like the sound of your footsteps
Moving towards the door.
There is nothing any more.


F.Z.N

And you couldn't even say goodbye?