My memory is damaged and short lived
But when you're scent became a drift
I looked out my window
Hoping you would be there
Your scent so powerful
INHALE
____________
It revived our last call to my mind
You told me it would be fine
I told you it was going to be like the movies
And that I would be your beauty
But
The rain has stopped
The pain is real
And
I missed your kiss
Where has my beast disappeared
_________
As I look out my window
It begins again.
I hear the dance
drip
drop
drip
drop
Like the sound of a clock
The rain has come back
For a second chance

When you notice me staring into nothingness,
Do not call me back,
I am trying to imagine a better day.

When you see me write incoherent words,
Do not ask me for their meaning,
I am trying to make sense of these thoughts inside my head.

When you see my nails sink into my arms,
Do not tell me to stop,
I just long to feel something that's not emptiness.

When you see me tugging at my clothes,
Do not ask me why,
I am just nervous of what people may think of me.

When you see me walking alone,
Do not come to my side or try to reach me,
I'm just trying to calm myself down.

If you ever see marks or bruises on my body,
Do not ask what has happened
Because I do not know myself.

If you ever see cuts or scars on my arms,
Do not pretend you know how it feels,
I'm not looking for your sympathy, I just need a release.

If you ever see my body tremble,
Please do not ask me why,
I am willing myself to just stop and breathe.

If you ever see me rocking myself,
Please do not make your jokes,
I just need to feel comforted at times.

If I ever arrive late,
Do not ask me where I have been,
I was busy trying to control the urges.

If I ever seem distant with you,
Please do not ask me what I'm thinking,
I am probably just wanting to disappear.

If I ever say I do not care,
Do not be fooled,
I am just probably tired of hearing these 'jokes'.

If I ever make a mess of things (like usual),
Do not yell at me or make me feel small,
I will clean up my mistakes, it just takes time.

If I ever hurt you,
Do not hate me,
Sometimes I just forget how to act.

If I ever cry on your shoulder,
Do not be uncomfortable,
It just means I am comfortable with you.

Please do not ask me if I am okay
Because I am never okay.
I am just surviving.

Please do not try to figure me out,
I am only human,
I just like secrets.

Please do not try to hug or touch me,
It makes my skin crawl,
I am not used to that touch.

Please do not try to comfort me,
Its not helping.
Just stay within reach, stay quiet,
Empty your mind of doubt.

If I'm ever crying or just being dumb
And I tell you to leave me alone,
Don't...I'm just too scared to admit I need you.
I need you to hold me when I feel so broken.

I've loved you too hard.
It WAS your fault.
You gave me everything I needed.
Heart turned mush, most would revolt.

I loved you too hard.
And you told me you loved me more.
But what am I to do with this.
A heart petrified and sore.

I've loved you too.
And you gave it back times four.
A heart unloved.
You returned it to the store.

I loved you.
I cared for you more than self.
Demons nawing at my will.
Im unable to release you, help.

I love you.

You are grey and boring
And slowly fading
Like old paint,
Like a dream at dawn.
You are disappearing
Into darkness
Like a shadow on the wall.
You are vanishing
Like the sound of your voice
Saying I want you,
Like the sound of your footsteps
Moving towards the door.
There is nothing any more.


F.Z.N

And you couldn't even say goodbye?