Dear Diary;
Lately I've felt like
all I am doing is 'existing'-
I am 'just here'.
I wake up day after day,
each one a repeat, an endless loop.
Nothing happens anymore,
I'm just going through the motions
to get the **** day over with
just to do it the next day.
This is not what I had envisioned-
this is not living.

her lost gem, she couldn't seem to find it for months
it was a rare one, expensive too
she treasured it most
until suddenly it was not in the pockets of her jeans anymore the next day

she lost her mind trying to look for it
searching all over her house
even in public places she frequently visited
but it was no where to be found

it was only until months later she saw it again
but with someone else
the gem was no longer hers
and her self loathe grew even more

"how could i be so irresponsible" is what she thought
"if i could go back to the night before i lost it and made sure it was there this would never have happened"
everyday from there on, she wished she could go back in time

she wishes the one who took it would lose it, so somehow it could come back to her
maybe she would find the gem laying around by her house again
she constantly got her hopes up every time she would see a gem
but it was not the same one, it was simply a clone

whenever she'd take a closer look at the gem's look-a-likes, she realized it was only an illusion
they didn't have the same shimmer as the real one
they didn't feel the same
the edges were rough and they weren't even real, they would break apart

she misses her gem, and she knew nothing else would compare to it

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry my body wasn't enough to make you stay.
I'm sorry that I loved you before I learnt to love myself,
I'm sorry that I fantasised about your eyes meeting mine.
I'm sorry that I loved you too hard,
I'm sorry.
But most of all I'm sorry that I gave you my heat without caring for what would happen to it.

Cycle, cycle, cycle.

Heart a flourish, mind ablaze,
Up-and-comes a tainted gaze,
Wander into Des' maze,
Living hours, counting days,
Everlasting, fleeting phase?
Watch and wonder who you praise,
When consort becomes disciple,
Cycle, cycle, cycle.

Apathy, our fragile doll,
All we seek is all we stall,
Rather wait, or rather bawl?
Yet I sit, and here I scrawl,
Watching me, fly on the wall,
Watching me, apathy's thrall,
When idle becomes idol,
Cycle, cycle, cycle.

No, no, it cannot be,
Through my eyes, you cannot see,
No, no, you mustn't flee,
I still wish yet to be free,
No, no, hide the key,
Keep "out there" away from me,
When denial becomes recital,
Cycle, cycle, cycle.

Circle, circle, spin, and stop,
Stop—to reach towards the top,
Don't repair, just reap your crop,
Stop—downward you may drop,
Water falling, wet blacktop,
Stop—Lest your mind is prop,
When a spiral becomes spinal,
Cycle, cycle, cycle.

Don't deny the heart the mind,
With repentance comes the bind,
Ears are muted, eyes turned blind,
Connect the eternally twined,
Don't embrace—forgive your grind,
Lest you put your past behind,
When survival becomes revival,
Cycle, cycle, cycle.

Cycle, cycle, cycle.

oh but every time you left
you took a piece of me with you
and now
that part of me is all gone

Honestly. I'm tired of hearing it. Who are you? What are you going to do in life? How will you make your mark? What will you amount to?
That's not a real career. Have you thought about something else as a more practical career? You won't succeed.

How can I think freely if all my thoughts are full of holes? Everyone nitpicking them until they no longer exist, what's the point of even trying?
How can I succeed if everyone pushes me back into my bubble? What am I supposed to do if I can't even leave? No one expects me to leave, either.

How am I supposed to get anywhere if I'm surrounded by high expectations? What am I supposed to accomplish? I can't get anywhere today. The bar's too high. All I can do is complain. Is this really all I can do? It's so... awful. It's a bother. It's a nuisance. I hate it. What am I meant to be?

All the steps we’ve walked.
All the jokes we shared.
All the tears we cried.
All the pain we felt.

We endured it
We felt it
Together
No matter what

We agreed on that.
Didn’t we?
Our little promise,
Of childhood hopes.

But time has taken its toll
And now, you are gone.
Taken away
But you’re not looking back

No matter how hard I try
I can never forgot you
No matter how hard I try
I can’t get over you

After all the steps we’ve taken
I’m trying to erase how far we’ve walked in miles.
Are you also trying?
Or am I the only one?

i'm practically on my hands and knees, Lord
begging for a sign
of whether i should stay or go